Last night, I, along with a large part of America, watched in horror as Jim and Bill, the freaking Doublemint twins, took both (BOTH!) wins on the Biggest Loser, making them the richest formerly obese duo I can remember in recent history. Blah. That was so predictable – we knew Bill was going to win from the moment Jim stepped on that damn scale. As my mother so eloquently put it, “If Jim lost all that weight, so did his freaking twin!” Whatevs. She liked Bill. Her taste is immediately suspect.
Other things on my mind -- regarding the ladies in the final four, Isabeau is gross and I don’t think anyone will be hiring her to be their personal trainer. Hollie is beautiful and her new haircut makes her look like Katie Holmes. I will be trolling the streets of Los Angeles looking for her in order to invite her over, as on the show she claimed she has no friends in LA. And Julie came out of nowhere to totally fucking surprise us all with her insanely anorexic (yet hot) tube top/sparkling belt wearing body. She looked unreal. Also she kind of looked like a lollipop with her large blond head and teeny weeny bod.
Anyways, lets get onto the good stuff. I think by now everyone knows that I am head over heels in love with the Black Team trainer, Jillian Michaels, and I think everyone could benefit from hearing why I love her so much.
1. She is infinitely cooler than the other trainers. To be fair, dust bunnies are cooler than Kim, but Bob was pretty sweet (as long as you could get over those weirdo intense pep talks he always had with Kae). But still. If I were any of those contestants and Jillian was NOT my trainer, I’d throw a huge shit fit. Kinda like Amy did, now that I think about it.
2. She bitched out Neil, and it was awesome. Enough said.
3. She CONSTANTLY reminded her team that they were the “losers” and that nobody wanted them. And she got away with it! Instead of hating her for reminding them (which is what I would have done), they actually worked harder. She is a mind control wizard.
4. The images of Jillian in the promo when she is doing the one armed pushup? Extremely hot. She is freakishly buff. You would not doubt that she could kill her team if she wanted to. Which I think at times she did.
5. Speaking of wanting to kill her team, hands down, the best quote of the entire season came from Jillian. When the BL trekked to Hawaii or wherever the hell they went, Bob and Kim were dicking around and not really giving their team a workout (literally Kim had her team CARRY HER LAZY ASS on a surfboard), but noooo not my Jillian. She made the Black Team ROLL TIRES down the beach and actually screamed at them, “Roll the tire faster OR I WILL KILL YOU.”
In other news, some of those former fatties were HOT. Unfortunately, that’s not something I’m interested in pursuing due to the fact that they probably wouldn’t be into dinner dates. Or binge eating.
Biggest Loser, I will miss you. For two weeks. On January 1st the next round of chubsters hits televisions screens near you. And you know what that means…