Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Carly Babins Knows What She's Talking About

carjb6989: so what u going to do in the tuc?

carjb6989: eat drink and be a college student again.

Uh, exactly.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

My Day with Marlee Matlin

I think I was so caught up in the excitement of listing stupid clichés yesterday that I totally forgot to tell you all where I had been all day!

Yesterday was The Jewish Federation Valley Alliance’s annual luncheon, The Main Event: It Takes A Woman. Every year, the Valley Alliance throws this event and invites a famous/prominent Jewish woman to speak. For the past two years, I have gone home from school to attend the luncheon – last year the guest speaker was the author of The Devil Wears Prada, Lauren Weisberger, who is also a fellow AEPHI, and the year before that the guest speaker was Jennifer Weiner, who is one of my favorite authors and wrote one of my favorite books, Good in Bed.

The point of this luncheon is to encourage these Federation women to give a gift in their own name, in addition to the family gift they give along with their husband each year. Every year at the event, more than 600 women do this, which I think is really unique and special. So, I came to the event (as a guest, not as an employee!) and had a very nice day with my Mommy and her pals.

Side note. As soon as I start making enough money, I plan on becoming a Lion of Judah. A Lion of Judah is the title of a level of giving of women who give more than $5,000 every year. When you are a Lion, you get a gold pin shaped like a lion and you wear it to all your Federation events with all the other Federation ladies and I think you feel special, like part of a club. Before I am a Lion, I think I will have to be a Pomegranate, which means you give $1,800 and a silver pin shaped like… you guessed it, a pomegranate. It is always very special when someone becomes a Lion and they make a big deal out of it. I would like to be a Lion before I am 30 and I think that is a valid personal goal. I will try VERY hard to achieve it. For those of you who are curious, this is what a Lion of Judah pin looks like:

But I digress. The event was very lovely – it was held at the Four Seasons in West Hills, which is absolutely beautiful, and it was a gorgeous day and everyone looked fabulous. I got to see lots of people who I don’t usually get to see, and it was very fun telling people who didn’t already know that I actually WORK at the Federation now! (including a former principal of mine, who seemed way too surprised that I was not like, a bum on the street. Hmph.)

Anyway, after a cup of carrot-ginger soup, which was delicious, and a chicken caesar salad, which oddly had potatoes in it, and a TRULY HILARIOUS video of important Federation ladies discussing the importance of a woman’s gift (including one Mrs. Ellen Silverman who looked RAVISHING in an electric green turtleneck, let me tell you), it was time for Marlee Matlin to speak. (For those of you who don’t know who she is, go
here and read more about her. She is Jewish and very talented and has won a Best Actress Oscar and was just announced to be a contestant on this season of Dancing with the Stars. Oh yes, and she is deaf! )

She was so great! She signed her entire speech, and her interpreter, this little cute man named Jack Jason, sat in the front and spoke the words she was saying. She was so effusive and bubbly and energetic, jumping around and pointing and gesticulating – I don’t think she could have been any better if she had spoken the words herself! Oh, AND she was wearing her huge diamond earrings that Chopard had loaned her from the OSCARS the night before!

Afterwards I went right up to her (she was sitting at the table next to me) and told her how great she was and that I am definitely going to be voting for her on Dancing with the Stars (which means another reality tv show for me to watch, great). Marvin the trusty photographer got a fabulous photo of us and I will post it here as soon as I get my hands on it.

And the best part of the day was… Marlee Matlin became a Lion of Judah! I was very impressed by that. It was so nice to see that she really takes her Jewish roots seriously and gives back in such a major way to the Federation.

So I thought you all might like to hear that story. I am off to watch Idol and work on Anna’s top secret bachelorette party gift. Love it!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining and Other Fucked Up Cliches

I think it's time for another list.

Upon reflection, we have no idea how we got on the subject, but Jacob and I just got to discussing cliches and how totally stupid some of them are. We then decided to make a list of the top ten cliches that are so fucking ridiculous we think they should be universally banned. So without further ado, here is our list of the ten most totally awful cliches!

10. “The early bird catches the worm.” People who sleep late generally do not like worms. Also, people in general do not like worms.
9. “Every dog has his day.” This is just so bad. What does this even MEAN? Have you ever seen the life of a dog? Dogs don’t do SHIT. Every day is a great day for a dog.
8. “When the cat’s away, the mice will play.” If the cat was any good, the mice would have been long gone and eaten. So basically, the cat sucks.”
7. “The ball is in your court.” Who wants the ball in their court? Don’t you want the ball in someone else’s court so you can score and make them cry like babies? Also, just a lazy man’s cliché. Passive, lazy men say this.
6. “There’s no time like the present.” There’s also no time like tomorrow or the day after.
5. “All’s fair in love and war.” “Does that mean I get to shoot her if I don’t agree with her?” - Jacob
4. “You can say that again!” No, we said it the first time. Pay attention.
3. “The light at the end of the tunnel.” Unless there’s a train coming at you or its dark outside. So basically this rule does not always apply.
2. “Every cloud has a silver lining.” This is also just terrible. Also, what if you just enjoy rain? Then you would have no reason to desire a cloud with a silver lining. The silver lining would be bad.
1. “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’.” Possibly the most overused cliché in the universe. There is also no “I” in a LOT of other words, but you don’t see people pointing that out all day long.

I also considered “It ain’t over til the fat lady sings” and “The lights are on but nobody’s home”, but on further consideration I actually really like those.

In a totally separate project, Jacob has compiled a list of the ten cliches he actually LIKES. So, here's his list. Also solid and well thought out.

1. that boy is as sharp as a bowling ball
2.speak of the devil
3. two ways to do it, the wrong way and my way.
4. no shit, sherlock
5. come hell or high water
6. a face only a mother could love
7. the blind leading the blind
8. one French fry short of a happy meal
9. he’s off his rocker
10. mind over matter

I love lists! If you ever have an idea for a fun list I can make please let me know.

anyways, I'M OUT LIKE A LIGHT! hahahaha I genuinely crack myself up.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

And the Oscar Goes To...

So I have just finished watching the 80th Academy Awards. Ali and Lon came over and we watched with my mom, who had cooked us a delicious feast with potstickers, stuffed mushrooms, chips with guacamole and onion dip, potatoes with caviar, veggies, and a cheese plate. Brilliant!

Jon Stewart was the host and I thought he did an okay, if not slightly boring, job. Come on Jon! You are hilarious, sarcastic, and Jewish. I expect great things from you.

From what I saw on the red carpet, mostly everyone looked beautiful, with the exception of Tilda Swinton. GROSS. It literally seemed like she rolled out of bed and put on a dirty old black robe. The woman had not ONE OUNCE of makeup on her pale face. Scary. I was slightly disappointed that no one was really wearing any spectacular bright color. Many people wore red, which is fine, but not that exciting. I wanted to see someone wearing turquoise or yellow or hot pink (of course.)

Most of the awards were fairly predictable. I did not get as many right as I did last year, but that was probably a fluke. I was right about Daniel Day Lewis and Javier Bardem, among others. I was also pleased Marion Cotilliard won for Best Actress - she looked beautiful and her speech was very cute.

I was not disappointed about the one award I was really crossing my fingers for: Diablo Cody won Best Original Screenplay for Juno!!!!!!!! I genuinely could not be more happy about this. There are so many things I loved about the movie, and the dialogue was truly something else - sharp, biting, quick, sarcastic, and emotional.

Diablo Cody accepted her award wearing a fucking fabulous leopard/bejeweled flowing dress, which made me love her even more. This woman is so awesome - she is a former stripper who wrote Juno at a Starbucks inside a Super Target in FUCKING MINNESOTA and now she owns an OSCAR. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

If you've never clicked on any of the links I've posted, please, please, please click on this. It's a totally brilliant piece on Diablo Cody, written by EW Magazine writer Karen Valby, and it is truly am amazing, insightful look at one of Hollywood's most talented new writers. I really love her!

All in all, a good time at the Academy Awards. You all know how much I love this day and I am so happy the strike ended it time to let it happen.

Anyways, tomorrow is the Federation's annual It Takes A Woman: The Main Event luncheon. I am going as a guest, not working, because it is an event that I enjoy very much and have always come home from school to attend with my mom. The special guest speaker is Marlee Matlin and I am very excited to meet her. I will post the photo that Marvin takes. (Now is as good of a time as any to relay an important rule of mine: always be on a first name basis with the photographer. Trust me, you will want to know his name.)

I will let you all know how that goes. Hope you had a good weekend!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Weekend Update with Jordan Silverman #3

Yayyyy weekend!

I have just returned from brunch with Lonnie’s fam, which was lovely. Now I am sitting here killing time while the Directv guy fixes my tivo so that I will be able to record two shows at once. Which will make me very very happy, and will make me a better blogger, which in turn will make you happy! So three cheers for the Directv guy. Except right now he’s drilling and hammering and making noise, which is not so fabulous.

What is new in the news? Well, yesterday KFed allowed Britney to see her kids for a few hours. I am pleased about that. I feel like Britney has been doing fairly well lately (now that her parents have kicked Sam Lufti out of her life) and so it seems right that she would be rewarded with the chance to see her sons, who I don’t think she’s seen since early January. I am crossing my fingers that Brit stays on this path of relative normalcy. I dream of the day she’s back to normal and announces her WORLD TOUR. I would die.

Also, JLo had her twins. I am happy about this because a) she seems like she will be a good mother, and b) that means more celebrity babies for me and Ali to obsess over. I hope she gives them really retardedly glamorous names that I can make fun of and secretly love.

Oh, I know what I wanted to say. Have you seen the photos of Lindsay Lohan posing as Marilyn Monroe? The idea behind this is that Lindsay is emulating Marilyn’s “Last Sitting” photo shoot, shot by Bert Stern in 1962. Blech. I am totally grossed out by this whole thing. Lindsay is in no way as iconic as Marilyn Monroe, and I am more than surprised that New York Magazine would be so bold as to imply she is. You can see the photos and her freakishly freckled bod here. Make sure to examine her wig line as it is TOTALLY visible.

Oooooh, this is kind of like posting porn. I am so edgy.

Random side note: Bailey has posted the video of her bungee jumping in New Zealand. I still can’t believe she actually did it. If you are interested in seeing it and can handle the screaming that goes on, head on over to her Facebook profile and check it out. There is a chance she may have peed on herself when she did it, so examine her closely for possible urine.

On to the Oscars: FINALLY THEY ARE HERE! Here are a few of my picks. I won’t bore you with all of them, only the big ones… we will see how I do. I actually entered a pool at the office so everyone cross your fingers that I have the same success I had last year (when I got everything right except two!)

Best supporting actress – Amy Ryan, for Gone Baby Gone
Best supporting actor – Javier Bardem, for No Country for Old Men
Best makeup – Pirates of the Caribbean
Best costume - Elizabeth
Best animated feature – Ratatouille
Best song – “That’s How You Know,” from Enchanted
Best original screenplay – Diablo Cody, for Juno (yes!!!)
Best actress – Julie Christie, for Away From Her
Best actor – Daniel Day Lewis, for There Will Be Blood
Best director – the Coen Brothers, for No Country for Old Men
Best picture – No Country for Old Men

I think Ali and I are going to see Vantage Point tonight, so I’ll let you all know what I think about that when I blog tomorrow. Expect an in-depth review of the Oscars… I CANNOT WAIT!

Thursday, February 21, 2008


AHHHH okay I have more Idol reports... I swear to god I have other things to talk about besides this show... just not on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, or Thursdays (for now). Whatev, moving on! Here are my opinions on the girls, who sang last night.

1. Kristy Lee Cook – someone needs to get this girl a sandwich and then buy back her fucking horse. In that order. Oh, and then teach her to sing without scaring the camera.
2. Joanne Borgella – this makes me sad. I liked Joanne A LOT… its too bad she kinda sucked. My hope is that all the plus-sized girls in Jersey will view her as their leader and vote up a storm so we can see what she’s capable of at least one more time. I no longer think she’s going to the Top 12 and that sucks.
3. Alaina Whitaker – or, as I like to call her, Carrie Underwood 2.0. Didn’t we already see this person win AI? What is she still doing here? I am bored.
4. Amanda Overmyer – ahh! So growly and frightening! I love her! I literally thought she was making up words but really she was “scatting.” I give her one more week before an overcome hair stylist lunges at her with a bottle of hair dye.
5. Amy Davis – SO unbelievably awful, I do not even want to talk about it. Bye bye Amy.
6. Brooke White – no one in this world can possibly be this nice and innocent. It is kind of weird. That being said, she looked better than I’ve seen her look and she sang fine.
7. Alexandrea Lushington – okay, first of all, this is not a name. At first I had no idea who she was, because her hair was done all different and weird and up, but I did not hate this human.
8. Kady Malloy – I know this is the chick who can impersonate Britney, but frankly, I prefer real life cracked out Britney to this mess. Boring and blah, I dislike, moving on.
9. Asia’h Epperson – if I hear one more thing about Asiah’s dead father I will slap someone. WE KNOW she’s had a hard life.
10. Ramiele Malubay –I LOVE Ramiele! She might be my favorite girl right now. At the first of sounding like Drunk Paula, she really is a big voice inside a tiny little package. I loved her song and really agreed with Randy that she took her time and built up power so that the end was insane. My only complaint is that when she sings she squinches up her face and she looks exactly like a raccoon. But an adorable one! LOVE!
11. Syesha Mercado – solid. Frankly I was somewhat falling asleep by now but I remember enjoying her scarf.
12. Carly Smithson – I KNEW Carly Smithson would have the last slot. It is so gross and obvious that the AI producers are so blatantly in love her. She sounded fine, but looked AWFUL tonight – way too pale and her hair looked greasy and like, limp. It was bad news. Give this girl some bronzer and a diffuser and maybe we’ll talk next week.

Going home? Amy Davis, definitely, and my poor Joanne. Sad!

So that's that. Now I can turn my attention to... other reality tv. Oops. I know some of you are TOTALLY rolling your eyes right now so I'll make this quick. Season 10 of America's Next Top Model is here, and if possible Tyra has lost it even more. She is SO WACKED ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY. This season we've got the usual crackwhores, fug biatches, and Early favorites of mine are Allison, who might be Jewish, Whitney, the obligatory gorgeous plus sized model, and Dominique, who is the FOURTEENTH model! Love that surprise twist, Tyra. You're still not Oprah.

Tomorow I am going to the Palm and to the Clipper game so I might not be blogging but I hope you all have a great Friday and weekend! I have a very relaxing weekend ahead of me, and I'm finally getting my Tivo fixed, AND ITS THE OSCARS ON SUNDAY (list coming soon for sure), so I will be a VERY happy camper. I am off to watch Idol results. XOXO!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Boys Will Be Boys

AHHH American Idol! Oh lovers. This is truly my favorite show in the universe. Here is part of an email I sent to Greene this morning (that she strangely did not receive) with all my impressions of the boys who sang last night. I hope you enjoy it (Larissa!) Okay, here goes...

David Hernandez - he was fairly decent last night and doesn’t deserve to go home. However, he basically got fucked by singing first, which means he runs the risk of America not remembering who he is or what he sang. Fickle America.

Chikeze – I think Chikeze has decided to just go by one name. Solid choice. Unfortunately, the thing I liked best about Chikeze’s performance was not his song or his ensemble but rather how he jumped RIGHT into attacking Simon after Simon told him he didn’t like his performance. I mean, that takes guts. At least wait for the SECOND WEEK.

David Cook – Personally, I was bored, but everyone else liked it so fine, I’ll give him a pass. I think he needs a wig though, his comb-over is AWFUL.

Jason Yaeger – I like Jason Yaeger, but he doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning this competition. Also, his child needs a haircut desparately.

Robbie Carrico – Even as I type this, I am shocking myself, but… I do not hate Robbie. I actually somewhat enjoy him. Don’t get me wrong, the boy needs to shave his head, but I actually found his voice to be fairly pleasant. Plus, his claim to fame before this was that he dated Britney Spears, which means I have an irrational attachment to him already.

David Archuleta – I HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS CHILD. There really is no need for me to watch this season, because David Archuleta IS my American Idol – I LOVE this kid. He is so adorable, so smiley, so sweet, and so TALENTED that ordinarily, I’d be nauseous and hate him, but he is just TOO CUTE. I cannot even fathom his cuteness. Literally, everytime he is onscreen I turn into a squealing mess incapable of saying anything except “awwwww!” LOVE him. ARCHULETA/SEACREST 08.

Danny Noriega – Danny Noriega is possibly the most flaming human being on earth. In his flashback video, they showed him auditioning/making it to Hollywood last year (which I was unaware of) and the boy looked HOT. Like, gay hot, with totally over-gelled hair and a lip pierce, but hot nonetheless. I hate the shaggy haircut he has now. Anyways, the boy can sing like a black woman, we know this, but he cannot sing like Elvis, because Elvis is definitely the anti-Danny, so poor song choice, but he will most likely be around for a while unless the haters in the red states form some sort of anti-gay movement against him and force their clueless farm daughters to stop voting, put the phones down, and get back to milking cows or whatever they do in Oklahoma.

Luke Menard – Boring, boring, I’m snoring. The thing about Luke Menard is that he is so utterly nondescript, so fade-into-the-woodwork, that he seems incapable of doing anything with any excitement. He didn’t suck, but he was forgettable, and I’m glad Simon told him so.

Colton Berry – First of all, I like Colton Berry because he came right out and admitted that he looks like Ellen DeGeneres. I also like him because he has perfect highlights in his hair. He is also a good singer – I actually think this kid is cute enough and young enough to stand a chance. If he can work it out, he might have a shot in the Top 12.

Garrett Haley – oh, GARRETT. In order to properly review Garrett’s performance, I must borrow from someone else. Without a doubt, my absolute favorite website is (if you don’t know it, I have zero interest in knowing you), and one Mr. Joe R. reviewed Garrett’s performance with words far better than anything I could ever come up with, announcing that “Garrett looks like the girl who died of anorexia and is now haunting your attic.” In addition to this awful mental image, Garrett sucked. Buh-bye.

Jason Castro – For some reason, every time I look at Jason Castro, I picture Pee Wee Herman wearing a long dreadlock wig. Don’t laugh – look at him next time, you’ll agree. Also, whenever I start to type Jason, I type Jacob. I’m gonna need to work on that. Jason Castro played the guitar during his performance and did not suck. Fine.

Michael Johns – Michael Johns. You are kind of hot; your accent makes you hotter. Your scarf made you look like a hot tool. You, my friend, have absolutely nothing to worry about. You will without a doubt be in the Top 12 this year. Trust me, I know these things. Who I think is going home: Luke Menard and Garrett Haley. Am I upset about this: I cannot remember Luke Menard for the life of me and Garrett Haley is terrifying on all sorts of levels, so: in a word, no.

Get excited for the recap of the girls' performances tomorrow... quick shout out to Wendy and Randy who both told me this evening that they read my blog and never miss an entry :) LOVE IT!

Also, before I go, I want to wish ELLANA BETH SELIG a very happy birthday. We just returned from the annual birthday extravaganza at the fine establishment Olive Garden where we celebrated Lonnie's 24th birthday and it was FABULOUS. I love you and I hope your day was fab!

Monday, February 18, 2008

I Gave Him the Best I Had and He Asked For More

Here I am, back from the Arizona reunion in Houston! And let me tell you, we had fun. So much fun that I have lost my voice and sound like a squeaky mouse .

What did we do all weekend, you ask? Well, here is the trip recap! Friday, I got in around 5pm, and relaxed at Julie’s adorable apartment before dinner at Pesce with the Rubenstein fam, which was, as always, lots of fun. I had a delicious mojito and ate grouper for the first time. Then we were off to meet up with Greene, Bragman, and Jeremy, where we sat in a random bar and quizzed Bragman on Outback (the first of many recurring conversations on the topic, much to Jeremy’s chagrin). We then headed off to Bragman’s apartment (also fabulous and with several interesting Bragman shrines), where we met up with Gerrick, Danny, and special guest Christine when they finally got in around midnight. That night, Greene, Julie and I all slept in Julie’s bed, where we lined up like little soldiers and did not move all night.

Saturday began with a trip to Hobby Lobby, my FAVORITE place ever. I got some fabulous frames and scrapbook stuff and Julie sliced her finger open, which resulted in us having to file an accident report with the manager and will probably end with her owning Hobby Lobby. Fabulous. I hope she lets me shop there for free. Then we headed off to the FAMOUS Brisket Barbeque, owned by none other than the SAGHIAN FAMILY CLAN. It was delicious and I was a happy camper indeed, ESPECIALLY after I received a free sweet tea from one Mr. Saghian. Amazing. After a brief trip to Target, where my panicked parents phoned Jeremy in order to find me (I had left my cell phone in Julie’s apartment), we went to some random sports bar to watch the Arizona/Stanford game, which ended disappointingly. After the game came showers and then we all trekked off to Piato for Julie’s birthday dinner! I had specially requested that we go there because the last time I was in town we went and I had the asparagus special, which is TO DIE FOR. MMMMM. After dinner, we went to my second favorite bar in the world, Whiskey Creek. More on that in a second. The events at Whiskey Creek require their own paragraph.

Sunday we woke up, stumbled (hung) over to the bagel shop, where ten of us squeezed in to eat delicious Jew food. Then, after a brief photoshoot, we had to say goodbyes – SAD. The Dallas Three and Jeremy left, and Bragman went to nap, and Julie, Greene, and I squeezed in a trip to the big and amazing Forever 21, where I purchased a fabulous vest/dress combo. I briefly got to see Jill (who had been sick all weekend) for a few minutes, then it was off to greet Mrs. Tamerol Greene, then off to Outback to quickly bid adieu to Brag before my 5:30pm flight home. However, while in the Outback parking lot, I discovered my flight was delayed to the point where I would be unable to make my connection and would potentially have to stay overnight in Phoenix. Seeing as THAT was not happening, I bitched out Southwest for a while until they finally put me on an 8pm nonstop back to LAX, which meant that before Greene took me to the airport, I got to enjoy a meal at Outback with Bragman as my waitress. All went smoothly until she served me a drink with a little buggie in it. Yes, that really happened. Other than that, she was a fab waitress and definitely earned her tip. I’m glad I got to finally see her in action.

Okay. Now on to the events of Saturday night, which was INCREDIBLE. We arrived at Whiskey Creek around 11. Whiskey Creek is this bar in Houston that has cheap drinks, a dance floor, cowboys, and a DJ who only plays rap music and country line dancing songs. AMAZING. AMAZING. Anywho, most of the evening was plain old super-fun, with a lot of drinking and picture-taking. The out-of-towners got to meet Bragman’s boyfriend Tito, who was very pleasant and smiley. We took to the dance floor, where we danced and I was persuaded to give do-si-do-ing a try. I got whirled around the dance floor a few times by Boris and Jeremy, who tried to teach me how to two-step, which, as you can imagine, was not happening. I retreated to the safe arms of one Mr. Danny G, who dances like a normal person – CALIFORNIA LOVE. Shots were taken, Pat Green songs were sung, we ran around screaming like crazy sorority girls (what?), and then the lights came on in the bar at 2:00, which was when the real fun began.

After we are shepherded outside by the bouncers, Julie (who had been mysteriously missing for a half hour) reappears clutching this red-eyed, bedraggled, insanely drunk boy she introduces as “Daniel G., from Hebrew School!” She insists that this human accompany us on our next stop of the evening, to Bragman’s apartment. Alas, we have no ride. Then Boris comes zooming out of nowhere, telling us to get in his car and he will drive us. Practical as I am, I realize Boris has been drinking, and I refuse to get in the car. Boris gets angry and drives away. Then Julie’s human decides HE is going to solve the problem. Inexplicably, we begin walking to his apartment, when out of nowhere, Boris reappears and insists we get in the car. I refuse, he gets mad and drives away. This scene happens approximately four more times. Finally, he agrees to let Greene drive – she gets into the front seat and realizes he has a stick shift. Greene cannot drive stick. FFFFF. Eventually, miraculously, we make it to Bragman’s, through extremely shady means (don’t worry Mommy). I wrote HELP on Boris’s window about fifteen times.

Throughout the car ride, every time Daniel G. opens his mouth, for absolutely no reason, I tell him to shut up. Julie and Greene laugh hysterically. Daniel G. does not appear at all fazed by this.

DG: “Where are we going?”

When we arrive at Bragman’s, I continue my verbal assault on Daniel G., who continues to smile and blink in my direction. By now I decide he does not get it, and unleash my drunken anger on this human.

DG: “You seem awfully angry…”
Me: “SHUT UP.”
Gerrick: “Who’s Daniel G? That’s Ben Wasserman.”

Gerrick is, of course, retarded. We know no Ben Wasserman. Boris and I have a quick screaming match and I decide we need to leave. By now it is 4am, and cabs are scarce. We finally manage to track one down, and when we get in, DANIEL starts to complain because the cab smells like Robotissin.

DG: “IT REEKS. I think I’m going to throw up.”
Cab driver: “It’s extra if you throw up.”

I turn around, ream him a new one, and assure the cabdriver he will not throw up. After twenty minutes (where DG announces that we should have just gone to his place cuz he has “twelve times more alcohol than Bragman does”, and I am forced to remind him that twelve times zero is still zero), we are safely delivered at Julie’s apartment, where I assure him he is NOT invited in. Somehow, he actually seems disappointed, which cements my belief that he has something wrong with him. On the way out of the cab, I throw him a $20 and mumble that I am sorry. This is what the kid says.

“Julie, Greene, it was really good to see you, we should do this again… next time, make sure you bring some more of these,” (pointing to me). He then smiles and tells me it was NICE TO MEET ME.

I’M STILL IN SHOCK. I gave this kid THE VERY BEST in Jordan Silverman Bitchery, the best I had IN ME, and he TOOK ALL I GOT AND ASKED FOR MORE.

Unbelievable. I’m still laughing.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

THIS... is American Idol

So, I have not written the past two days because something very important has been happening, and that something is called AMERICAN IDOL HOLLYWOOD WEEK.

I refuse to describe exactly what happens during this week. If you don’t know the basics of American Idol, odds are you live in a hut deep in the backwoods of some foreign land, and I don’t particularly feel the need to know you. Moving on.

American Idol Hollywood Week is very near and dear to my heart. For the past three years, after auditions are over and while Hollywood Week is going on, Miss Jennifer Leigh Greene and I begin to make our List. The List is compromised of who we believe should go to the Top 12: six boys and six girls. As we are separated this year, there is no doubt in my mind that this year’s list making will include numerous nightly screaming phone calls, many sheets of ripped papers covered in crossouts and permanent marker, and general squabbling back and forth from Los Angeles to Houston and vice versa.

Already, she and I have our favorites, and already, they are different from one another. As of Tuesday night, I had tentatively selected 9 contestants who I believed should be chosen to go on to the Top 24. (Greene could not participate in this exercise due to her Tivo’s unfortunate refusal to record and I will say no more on this subject lest she begin to cry. Again.) So, as of Tuesday night, this was who I liked (taken from an email I sent Greene Wednesday morning. This is also when I only knew a few last names):

1. Amanda
2. Danny Noriega
3. Ramiele
4. Carly Smithson
5. Michael Johns
6. David A
7. Asiah
8. Kyle

(I am including the bit that I wrote about Josiah so that I can show that I had true and undying love for him BEFORE they CUT HIM UNFAIRLY Wednesday night. I was so angry. Upon further research, I have discovered his mother is dying of cancer. I am even angrier.)

Anyways, for those of you who watched, you will see that 7 of the 9 I selected have made it to the Top 24. Of course, the list has changed slightly to reflect new favorites. So, without further ado, here is my tentative list for the Final 12, with some brief notes on each. This is not necessarily my FAVORITE 12 finalists. It is who I believe will be left after half are eliminated during the next three weeks.

1. Joanne Borgella – gorgeous black plus sized model from New Jersey
2. Carly Smithson – tried out Season 5 and made it to Hollywood, then got busted for not having the appropriate work visa (she’s Irish). She has had more screen time than anyone else I think.
3. Amanda Overmyer – insane looking motorcycle riding nurse who scream/sings and sounds exactly like Janis Joplin
4. Ramiele Malubay – tiny cute Asian girl with a huge voice
5. Asia’h Epperson – her dad died like 15 minutes before her original audition and she still rocked it out… pretty impressive
6. Brooke White/Syesha Mercado – right now Brooke White has gotten a ton of screen time. I like her, don’t love her. She’s blond and fragile looking and has never seen an R rated movie. However, I can’t see only one black girl in the final 12, and Syesha is pretty talented, so she might get the 6th slot if Brooke doesn’t.
7. David Archuleta – fun fact: David is MY American Idol. LOVE HIM. He’s like 16, insanely talented, adorable, and seems SO normal. The anti-Sanjaya.
8. Chikeze Eze – his name rhymes. He’s a cute black guy with a sick voice. He’s totally in.
9. David Cook – has strange hair that Simon hates, but is kind of cute. He’s got the “rocker” edit but he wore a pink tie onstage… I am ambivalent right now.
10. Michael Johns – insanely hot Australian who is delicious and plays guitar. Will go very far.
11. Danny Noriega – I read something that said Danny Noriega swallowed a black woman. I agree. He is possibly the gayest thing I’ve seen on TV (and that includes Christian from Project Runway) but he has a DAMN big voice for a scrawny little girl. I mean boy.
12. Jason Castro – I actually have not heard this guy sing one note (stupid AI producers) but from researching online, he is supposed to be incredible. And he’s white with long ass dreadlocks. I’m already fascinated.

I should note that generally, I am not far-off. I believe there’s been a maximum of three I’ve gotten wrong in past years. Other than that I have a pretty good prediction rate. (You should see my list for the Oscars. I’ll be posting that soon, also… last year I got every single one right except for two.) I am not posting Greene’s List because she did not follow directions and picked like 10 girls and 2 boys. Not cool Greene. You know the rules.

Anyways, that is the first of my Idol predictions. But on to more important things: tomorrow I am off to Houston for a mini UofA reunion, and I CANNOT WAIT! I will be seeing Houston residents/eternal besties Julie, Greene, Bragman, and Jill, and Gerrick is driving in with Danny, and Jeremy is driving in from San Antonio! AHHHHH. I NEED IT TO BE TOMORROW ASAP. I should note that the original reason I was going to Houston was for Julie’s birthday, which is TODAY! So, happy birthday to my Julie Ann, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

So I’ll be in Houston til Sunday night and probably won’t have a chance to blog, so I hope you all have a great weekend!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Julie's List of 100 Things

So yesterday I was on the phone with Julie, and she tells me that today marks the 100th day of school. In honor of it, she came up with lots of ways to celebrate it (including special snacks - a twizzler and two chocolate chip cookies - get it?). Also, she and her second graders were going to make a list of the 100 things they loved about their school.
I of course love this idea, and immediately insist Julie make me a list of my own. At first, she complained a little bit, claiming it was going to be too hard, but she quickly realized that there are literally thousands of things we loved about the U of A, so really, the challenge was going to be quite easy. So, without further ado, here is Julie's List of 100 Reasons Why We Love About the University of Arizona.

100. Tucson may be America’s most fantastic city
99. Walking outside and feeling like you are on vacation
98. 1071 N. Mountain
97. Albert, Juin, Francisco, Leonard – some of Tucson’s finest.
96. You can read about chili spikings in the Police Beat
95. Sake Bombing at Shogun
94. Where else are you are able to watch Kristi clean the top of the fireplace at the AEPHI house and get stuck for hours?
93. Oy Vey Cafe
92. Jew of A
91. You can go to the pool in December, January, and February.
90. Beyond Bread
89. Oregano’s
88. Wildflower
87. North
86. Sushi Garden
85. Two hour In N Out lines, that people actually wait in
84. Café Jasper
83. You could continue naming Tucson’s great restaurants all the way down to 1 – but there are too many other reasons, so I will stop there.
82. Thursdays and Saturdays at the Basketball Games
81. Reading the Zona Screw
80. Channing Frye
79. Ivan Radenovich
78. Mustafa Shakur…just to name a few
77. Wilma and Wilbur Wildcat
76. Being a 6 ½ hour drive from Las Vegas
75. You are a 15 minutes drive from Casino Del Sol
74. A 35 minute drive from Mexico
73. The SnoBall stand on the corner of Broadway and Campbell
72. Coronado
71. Kaibab Huchicoochi
70. Kathryn Thorne
69. You don’t feel weird taking metal giraffes out for a night on the town
68. Poker Tournaments
67. Kickball Tournaments
66. 7-11 Slurpees
65. Red Tags
64. Staying tan year round
63. BC Dubs
62. Late night trips to Wendy’s, Jack in the Box, Jimmy John’s, Silvermine
61. Frat Big Nights
60. Date Dashes
59. Westerner
58. I love the 80’s
57. Formals
56. Semi Formals
55. Camo “Draft a Date”
54. All Phi’s No Guys
53. Phinal Flashback
52. Farmer’s and Cheerleaders
51. Santa and his Ho Ho Ho’s
50. 21st Birthday Celebrations
49. Jungle Party
48. I Love the 90’s
47. Halloween
46. Barbie and Ken
45. Under the Sea
44. ESPhiN
43. What’s Your Poison?
42. Palo Verde Inn and Suites
41. Marc Cohen and the whole rest of the Wild West Crew
40. Never having to participate in Daylight Savings time
39. Random rides on golf carts
38. Princesses doing the Princess
37. Making T-shirts for absolutely everything
36. Ridiculous amounts of pictures
35. Participating in Shower Wars
34. Chik-fil-A in the Union
33. Panda Express in the Union
32. Everywhere you look there are mountains
31. 1410 E. Lee and 1409 E. Elm
30. Babypools in the AEPHI courtyard
29. The “dry heat”
28. Tailgating before Football games
27. The semesters where you have no Friday classes
25. Where else do you meet the best friends on earth?
24. Walking outside at noon everyday and hearing Beardown Arizona all over campus
23. Spring Flings
22. Homecoming – Drinking on the Mall
21. Watching Arizona’s Phinest just get Phiner
20. Buses and Bar Crawls
19. Special Events (i.e. Dead Night Eve’s) at Gentle Ben’s
18. Our Thursday nights are better than your Spring Breaks
17. Jenn and Brad
16. Can’t forget about Judson
15. Trident
14. Playing Darts and Photo Hunt at the Red Garter
13. Singing Karaoke at the Bashful Bandit on Tuesday nights
12. Maloney’s
11. Spending afternoons at Frog
10. The Shanty
9. A man legally changed his name to GOD
8. Getting a tour of the SEX room at the MeatRack
7. Dancing every Thursday night to The Mockingbirds
6. O’malleys
5. Drinking Tic-Tacs, the Loser List, Scooby Snacks, and even Lunch boxes
4. Dirtbags
3. Waiting in line for Dirtbags at 5:00 am on the morning of graduation
2. FPC ‘03
1. Becoming a part of something that quickly becomes a part of you.

Isn't that great? BEAR DOWN!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Super (Exhausting) Sunday

So I think yesterday was probably the longest day of my entire life.

I got to work at 8:30 ON A SUNDAY, yes, on a Sunday, for Super Sunday, which, if you don’t know already, is The Jewish Federation’s annual largest single day of fundraising. I could give my press release shpiel but honestly I am SO over Super Sunday. I don’t even want to hear the words “super” or “Sunday” for at least a week, unless it’s in reference to an extremely large ice cream with cherries and whipped cream. And nuts.

I think the highlight of my morning in the city was when the Channel 7 cameraman (who had been there for an hour and a half shooting TWENTY MINUTES OF FILM for a thirty second spot) realized that there was food around the corner. “You have noshies?” he asked me wonderously, with big hungry eyes. I didn’t know if he was kidding or not –about the use of the word “noshies” or if we had food there. “Um, yes, we have food,” I told him uncertainly, not sure if he was aware that he was at THE JEWISH FEDERATION, where we eat on the hour, every hour, with occasional breaks in between for dessert buffets on the 10th floor.

Anywho, I was at the city site from 8:30 – 3:30 (doing press with the mayor and the county supervisor and other elected randoms), after which I drove from WEST HOLLYWOOD to WEST HILLS. Not so fun. Then I hung around the valley site for a while, interviewing people there until 6:30. I interviewed Benjamin (who could not keep a straight face), and he had brought Gina, so I interviewed her too, and some other people, most of whom I knew. I love the Valley Alliance, I really do. Everyone on leadership there has practically raised me since birth! I also got to see my Anna, for the first time since Jacob was here about three weeks ago. She looked very tired and one of her ears was bright red, which was puzzling.

I then traveled home, ate a quick bite of tofu that Mommy made me, and got back in my car and trekked to Sherman Oaks, for my first March of the Living meeting, which was pretty cool. I think I am by far the youngest staff member going on the trip. Even my good friend Daniel is older than me – by 10 days, but still. I only knew Susie and Monise (Daniel is in New York so he isn’t coming to any of the orientations) but everyone seemed really nice and I’m sure we’ll all be pals soon. One of the girls going on it has the most beautiful red hair I have ever seen – I was instantly jealous. Also, one of the staff members is married to my former 7th grade history teacher, Mrs. Shpall, who I adored back in middle school. He and I can bond over that. Good times.

After our very long meeting, I ran to Solleys and met the parentals for dinner, where I quickly perused the menu and was basically like “F Weight Watchers right now” and ordered a hot dog. MMMM my fave. After dinner I got back in my car and drove home to Brentwood (60 miles logged today, in case you were wondering), where I stumbled blindly into bed and passed out around 11pm.

I am exhausted just reading about my day! Anyways, yesterday The Jewish Federation raised $4,501, 207 for people in need in Los Angeles, Israel, and abroad. I want to thank all my friends who gave to the Federation when I called – it really means so much to me that you all support what I do. You all contributed over $300 dollars together and I thank you so much! I love you all!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

The Highlight of My Life, Thus Far

One pack of tissues to dry your eyes when your sister goes to Australia = $1.29

Global sim card for your Blackberry so you can chat with your sister in Australia = $60.00

Video camera for your laptop so you can Skype your sister in Australia = $49.99

Finding out your sister neglected to pack her brand new Gucci clutch for her trip to Australia = PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 8, 2008

We Do Good Work

This morning, the entire Federation staff had a mandatory staff meeting to go over Super Sunday and how everything is going to work, and during the meeting, a really cool thing happened.

After we had talked about logistics like parking and pledge cards and lunch (we’re Jews, lunch is a big deal. Dinner is an even bigger deal), certain members of the staff stood up to say why they give to the Federation. One by one, people stood up and named their 2008 gift, repeating the same thing over and over again. “We do good work here. We do important work here.” But that’s not the thing that was so cool.

The first few people who stood up had been pre-selected. But after they were done speaking, others raised their hands to talk. These were people who weren’t pre-selected. Some of them had only been working here a few months. Some of them weren’t Jewish. They were just people who were moved by their colleagues’ stories.

One woman, who works in the division that sends kids to Israel on Birthright trips, stood up. She reminded everyone that it costs $500 to send someone to Israel. On the spot, she raised her pledge from $50 to $500. Because of her, a teenager will get to see Israel for the first time.

Someone else stood up and talked about how he and his wife give money to many different charities. Then he told us that out of all those charities, he doesn’t believe in a single one as much as he believes in the Federation, because he's here every day, seeing what the money we raise does within the community. For 2008, he told us, he is only giving money to the Federation. He raised his $100 pledge to $1000 on the spot.

I was just sitting there, eating my bagel, and I couldn’t believe what was happening. I am a firm believer in leading by example, and this is a perfect example of that. I know some people might think this is weird or tacky or embarrassing, to talk about how much you give in such a public way, but I prefer to look at it as inspirational.

These people heard what others had to say, and they took it upon themselves to make it personal and give as much as they could. This year, I plan on raising my pledge, and giving $350 to the Federation.

It’s really important to me that my friends know that I don’t consider what I do just a job. I really believe in the work we do at the Federation, and when I encourage my friends to donate, I want them to know that I’m doing it too. I know we’re mostly all just out of school and working hard and trying to pay bills and save money. But the great thing about the Federation is that they don’t ask you for any specific amount – it’s all about what you can afford and what you feel comfortable giving. For some of us, that’s $18 bucks, for others, maybe $100.

The point is, it doesn’t matter how much you give. It only matters that you are giving. I was really proud to work at the Federation today, and I know I will be even prouder on Sunday when I see almost 2,000 members of the Jewish community come out to give alongside me.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Cross Ya Fingers

Rumor on the street is that the Writers Strike is over. I was driving home from work today when I heard on the radio that Michael Eisner was saying a deal had been made. CNN, however had nothing – but CNBC had the story, which you can read here.

PLEASE GOD LET IT BE TRUE. The Oscars are only a few weeks away and I will be DEVASTATED if they are canceled. Like, I might actually cry. I will die of happiness if the strike is over in time. Ever since they canceled the Golden Globes, I’ve been in SERIOUS need of some red carpet action. Everyone better be crossing their fingers! I don't care if you don't care about this - do it for me!

Other noteworthy information:
- Britney Spears is still roaming the streets. I literally fear for the safety of the general public. I NEED her to be put back in the hospital. I NEED her to get better.

- Kirsten Dunst is in rehab. Is EVERYONE in rehab? Celebrities disgust me. Also, I own a pair of Kirsten Dunst’s shoes. So now I own a pair of an alcoholic’s shoes. Cool.

- Mitt Romney has suspended his bid for the Republican presidential nominee. I am somewhat okay with this. Follow my train of thought: now the Republicans are basically left with John McCain as their nominee. John McCain is coming under fire from his party for not being conservative enough. Maybe if he becomes the nominee, that will piss off members of the party, who will not vote for him, leaving the Democrat to win easily. Thus is my logic. I am aware it is deeply flawed.

Also, I can't believe I'm saying this in a public forum, but I think Mitt Romney is hot. I have confessed; let us never speak of this again.

I need to make a special shout-out to one Mr, Spencer Lubitz, who was on the phone with me when my toilet randomly decided to explode last night. Incredibly, Spencer knew exactly what to do, and calmly told me what I needed to do to fix it. I didn’t even have a chance to panic because he helped me so quickly. I still can’t even believe it… I was definitely unaware that fixing toilets was one of Spencer’s talents. Let’s have a big hand for Spencer, Celebrity Plumber to the Stars.

Tomorrow is Friday! Yayyyyy!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

A Jordan Silverman News Report

Good News:
1. I have a very exciting trip coming up! I have had plans to go to Houston for a while now. Adding to the good news is that I found out that because of Super Sunday (more on that later in this post), I get to take a day off next week, so I’m taking Friday off, and I’m gonna go to Houston even earlier than planned. I can’t wait to see my friends, drink at Whiskey Creek, and eat REAL Texas BBQ!
2. Today is Daddy’s birthday. I bought him one of those cool new photo frames that show the digital photo slideshows and I loaded it with pictures of our fam. Tonight we went to The Palm to celebrate and I ate a delicious 6-point lobster. MMMM. Anyways, happy birthday Daddy Doge, you are the best Dad in the universe and I love you a billion million trillion.

3. This week is the last week of American Idol auditions – next week is Hollywood! I can’t wait to start making my list. The only thing bad about AI this season is that my roommates don’t watch it so I watch all by myself, which is sad… lucky for me I have Greene Bean who watches the shows before me and sends me IMS to get me pumped for the good ones… and the bad ones. For example, this message I received from her (“guy in grey shirt, about 40 minutes in. you are going to die”)? DEAD RIGHT.

Bad News:
1.Britney Spears has been released from the psychiatric hospital she has been in for the past week. I am disappointed about this – everything I read said she was doing great and I was even more optimistic than usual considering her parents had stepped into the picture to fight for her rights. Unfortunately I fear that her release may just put her back into a downspin again. Her gross companion Sam Lufti makes me nauseous, Adnan Ghalib her paparazzi boyfriend makes me nauseous, Kevin Federline makes me nauseous… I just want Brit to get back to normal. I need a Britney tour more than anything in the universe. Can you even imagine what a shit show that would be?

2. I was very worried about Jacob’s safety after the big tornadoes in the South yesterday, but everyone have no fear for he is fine. Now that I think about it, this goes in the good news section. Oh well.

Other News:
1. Today I wore my Marc Jacobs mouse shoes. Big hit.

2. There really is no new news when it comes to the Democratic primary. Super Tuesday did not decide anything major, really. As of right now, Hillary Clinton has more delegates than Barack Obama, but who knows, that could change. The most noteworthy thing about my Super Tuesday is that when I went to vote, I was given an entire sheet of “I Voted” stickers by a volunteer whose nametag read “The Jordan” and who was wearing his stickers as earrings. He really liked me... we had an understanding. I am not doing this story justice but suffice to say it was funny and I am pleased.

3. It appears a good old fashioned sorority-style bitch-out may be in my future. Details are shady right now, but rest assured if it happens I will fully document it here. I’m kind of excited about that because I haven’t bitched anyone out in a really long time and I’m CRUISING for a BRUISING. No doubt this blog post will result in a phone call from Mommy.

4. This Sunday is Super Sunday, The Jewish Federation’s largest single day fundraiser all year. Last year, we raised over $4 million in twelve hours! If you live in the Los Angeles area, I think you should come out and support me and the Federation on Sunday. Let me know if you want more details.

I am off to watch American Idol and Project Runway in bed… it is amazing how little it takes to make me truly happy!

Monday, February 4, 2008

On the Eve of Super Tuesday...

So I wrote this whole blog post. And I put it up. And that was that.

And then I talked to some people. And read some things. And went on some websites. And listened to the news.

And I took the blog down.

It is not my place to tell you who to vote for. I didn't do that in my first post, but after rereading it, I felt weird. I am smart and very well read, but I do not know enough about politics to write a truly informed blog post, and for that reason, I didn't think it was fair to all of you to read my opinions on something that I myself am not too sure about.

I think I know who I am going to vote for. It is something I have been struggling with all day, and will probably struggle with until the very moment I step up to the little station, but when I do, I will do so knowing that I read and learned and gathered as much information that I could before actually doing so. And that's all I really can do.

So, all I can say is, get out there and vote. Get your "I Voted!" sticker and wear it with pride. And if you need a push in the right direction, click here for a full list of the candidates and their stances on important issues. You can even take a quiz. Just make sure your voice is heard.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

A New Day Has Come For Brit

I am so happy right now. It really looks like the first steps have been taken towards getting Britney Spears back on the right track.

On Friday, Britney’s dad Jamie Spears went to court and was named her conservator, which means that he now holds the power to make all decisions concerning her wellbeing. Essentially, this was a move to prevent her “manager” and constant creepy hanger-on Sam Lufti from being able to remain near her while she is in treatment. The best part of the whole thing is that Jamie Spears was also granted a restraining order to keep Sam Lufti from getting anywhere near Brit for at least 22 days.

I am SO happy to hear that. Sam Lufti is DISGUSTING. He is shady and weird and I cannot remember a time when I did not hear his name linked to one of Britney’s meltdowns or freakouts. He has already been all over the place blabbing about how he is really the one who has her best interests at heart, not her parents. He only cares about how he can milk her celebrity as much as possible for his own purposes. I don’t think he cares one bit about her mental state, her family, or her poor kids.

There are also reports that her stay in rehab has been extended for two weeks. If that is true, that’s great also. I really think that a few weeks without a million cameras in her face is exactly what Britney needs to slow down and really realize what her life has become.

Here’s hoping that this is the first in a series of positive steps that will give us back THIS Britney Spears:

In other news, the season finale of Crowned was AWESOME. I know I am literally the only person who watches it (with the exception of Serena), but I still have to fill everyone in. Jenileigh and Moya (the Daredevil Divas) were the winners, which was good because they have had a very sad life and lost their house and are basically homeless. I'm glad they won, but I am sad that the DreamGals who were my favorite lost. Oh well, by the end they were kind of annoying me with how in love with each other they were. Like, I have a great relationship with my mom, but she does not tear up with love everytime she looks at me.

Mostly, I am glad that the Sincere Sexy Reds did not win, because they were terrifying and could not move their faces due to excessive Botox usage. AND, possibly one of the greatest moments of television occurred when Mindy (of the Gifted Dolls) PASSED OUT ONSTAGE and, after requiring an oxygen mask backstage, asked the paramedic for some CHICKEN. IN THE MIDDLE OF A LIVE PAGEANT. I kid you not. I tried to find a clip online to show you all in case you didn't believe me,but alas, Youtube has failed me.

Crowned. Such amazing trash. I cannot wait for the next season (which I seriously considered trying out for, by the way). That would have been so, so awesome. Before I go
I have to make a shoutout to Cidney. I miss you granddaughter! We are absolutely going out for vodka crans at Dirtbags/having a Royal Fam reunion when I arrive in Tucson in a few weeks. Love you!