Sunday, April 27, 2008


So, ladies and gents, in exactly four and a half hours at the ungodly hour of 4:00 in the morning, I will be arriving at LAX to begin my journey on March of the Living 2008... I can't believe it!

I think it goes without saying that packing all my shit in ONE suitcase was a fucking O R D E A L... but I think I have managed to do it. I hope it zips. Seriously. (For those of you who are curious -- I bought sneakers (no WAY would I ever wear hiking boots) and have packed a small backpack, but also a leopard print Betsey Johnson tote, just in case!)

I am very excited but very nervous... every adult I run into says the exact same thing "We're so proud of you." That's so nice to hear, but at the same time, what are they proud of me for? I didn't do anything special... YET :) I feel lucky that I am able to be a part of this. I know it will change my life.

So, this is my last post on DFWF for the next two weeks. HOWEVER, as you may know, I am blogging this trip live everyday from Poland and Israel for the Federation, and this is how you will be able to read what we are doing and seeing everyday!

March of the Living 2008 blog:
Password: MOTL2008

I will be able to recieve emails on my Blackberry, so please feel free to email me lots (! Have a great two weeks and I can't wait to share my experience with all of you when I come back!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008



Brooke White? Over Carly Smithson? Quivering, weak-voiced, nervous breakdown Brooke over strong, talented, powerful Carly? In a way, I am glad I won't be watching this show for the next two weeks while I'm gone, because this is TOTAL BULLSHIT.


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Passover with the Silvermans

So, hello pals. Have not blogged in FOREVS, but that’s okay because I have an excuse and it’s called My Fam Flew In From New York for Passover. Which I feel is a marvelous excuse.

Passover was full of delights with the Silvermans, as usual. Saturday night my mom hosted it, and our house was full of an eclectic group of Jews (read: total rando jando’s) having a jolly good time and not eating any bread. My mom made these bizarre veggie bundles and about sixteen different kinds of potato kugel. The Seder itself was merely a 7 on the Out of Control scale – loud and with frequent interruptions but nothing too intensely weird.

One thing our family does do that is super strange: after whoever is leading the Seder announces what part of the service we are on (ie, Urchatz), the entire family screams back in response: “URHATZ!” Hee. I believe this alarmed many of our guests. They probably will not be back for Seder ever again.

After the Seder was over, we FINALLY got to enjoy the kosher for Passover Sprinkles cupcakes, which were pretty darn fab for having no flour. They were fudgy and moist and I was a very happy camper indeed.

Sunday night, my Aunt Lynn had the Seder at her house, and this time, it was just the dozen of us Silverman/SafenoJews so we were in typical freakish dysfunctional mode. Aunt Lynn surprised all of us with a special treat – when it came time to read the Plagues, she told all of us to reach underneath our seats and we all pulled out Plague Masks that had been taped to our chairs. Each mask signified a plague and we had to go around and act them out. I was A WILD ANIMAL!!!!!!!!! Amazing, but I think I enjoyed watching my mom drunkenly pretend to be Blood even more than I did roaring at the table.

Aunt Lynn’s food was delish (Uncle Howie smoked a delicious turkey – MY FAVE) and also made like twelve kinds of potatoes, but no one was complaining, least of all me. After the Seder was over, the entire family retired to the den, where all the cousins played Rock Band on Playstation (or something like that – N64? Does that still exist? I literally have no idea) and I rocked out with the microphone. Photos to come if they’re not too embarrassing.

Yesterday the fam (everyone except Daddy and Jeff) went to Disneyland, which was also superb. I ADORE Disneyland – this was my third time in six months! All in all it was pretty eventful – with ten of us there, we had to do some strategic planning with line waiting and Fast Passes, but it all worked out relatively well and the only ride we didn’t go on was Star Tours, but no big deal. We also got to finally go on the Finding Nemo submarine ride, which I’ll be happy to sum up for those of you who have never been on it – LAME. One Mrs. Ellen Silverman was claustrophobic and not too pleased – she kept hissing “This is fucking stupid,” which may have earned her the wrath of several mommies with small childrens.

One thing did stand out – while Ryan and I were procuring Fast Passes for Indiana Jones, we walked next to some random tattooed fellow who was signing autographs. Oblivious me had no idea who he was, but Ryan informed me he was “Dick, the winner of Big Brother.” This apparently is my Aunt Susan’s favorite show, and I delighted in teasing her that she was not there to see him in person. Fast forward a few hours later – we are getting off Pirates of the Caribbean, and Mr. Dick is getting onto our boat. I tap Susan on the shoulder and inform her of this. What follows next was possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen, as Susan LUNGES towards Dick (totally rocking the boat in the process), screaming “DICK! DICK! I’M A BIG FAN, DICK! DICK! I LOVE YOUR WORK!” I literally could not have gotten off that ride faster.

As I write this, I am looking around my room and realizing it urgently needs to be tidied up, because the aforementioned fam is on their way over here to view my apartment. So, adios, I must go and be familial. I hope you all tune your Tivos to Idol tonight because IT’S BROADWAY WEEK BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Stem-less Wineglass - A Fancy Name for A Cup

I’m pretty sure I haven’t blogged about anything pointless and retarded (see: reality television, celebrity gossip, etc) in a while, so I’m totally going to take advantage of that and blab for a while about some of that stuff.

Stupid Ashlee Simpson and stupid Pete Wenz got engaged. Big deal. Everyone is making a huge deal out of it and spreading rumors that she is pregnant. Gross. Until I hear the words come out of her mouth confirming it, I don’t care. Actually, even when she does confirm it, I don’t care. She has not been worthy of media attention ever since the whole SNL lip synching bullshit.

Every time I think about the fact that American Idol is half over, I panic a little bit. I love it so, so much. Just wanted to share that with everyone.

Speaking of television, The Office is back – THANK GOD. Let me tell you, if you missed last week’s episode, you totally suck. I watched that episode three times in a row and then twice the next day. Granted, it wasn’t my favorite episode ever (I love the ones with all the supporting cast) but watching the interaction between Michael and Jan was off the fucking charts. My favorite part, hands down, was when the police show up at Michael’s condo and Dwight runs out to greet them and the cop goes, “Not now, Dwight.” CLASSIC.

Anyways, I leave for March of the Living in like a week and a half, which is super crazy and insane. I got my packing list last week and I think I’m gonna be okay except for the following things that I do not own and do not plan on ever owning:
1. a backpack
2. hiking boots (yeah, you read that shit right)

If, perchance, you are someone who owns those things (although I’m sorry, but WHY would anyone?) could you let me know, like, ASAP? I need to borrow them. Thanks in advance.

Anna’s wedding is SO soon. I spent all day Sunday in Beverly Hills purchasing potential dresses to wear to either the rehearsal dinner or the wedding itself. I came home with four, and I’m still on the hunt for more. It’s not easy trying to find the right one – you try explaining to a bitchy gay salesman exactly what one should wear to an evening wedding in May in the south.

Oooh, I want to share a recent exchange between me and Jacob. He called me yesterday and demanded I get on Anna’s wedding registry to look at gifts he was thinking of buying for the happy couple.

Jacob: “Oooh, I could get her stem-less wineglasses.”
Me: “I’m sorry… isn’t that just a CUP?”

Tomorrow I am getting a snazzy haircut in preparation for Meema’s Arrival. Super excited to see her. For those of you who don’t know who Meem is, she is my grandma (my mom’s mom) and she is basically super-fab, platinum blond, and just as fun and crazy as I am. She and my Aunt Susie, Uncle Alan, and cousins Ryan and Sam will be arriving to take part in Passover festivities this weekend.

I am less than excited about Passover (for reasons which shall not be named, oh, and also that whole not eating fucking bread thing), but I am keeping my mouth shut and if anyone asks, the best part about the weekend will be the kosher for Passover Sprinkles Cupcakes.

I am going to go attempt to clean my room. The good news about the new chair is that everyone loves it and it’s the most comfortable thing in the entire universe. The bad thing about the new chair is my newly developed tendency to pile clothing on top of it.

As my daddy would say, TTFN!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Taking A Stand

Believe me, I know that this is going to seem like it came out of nowhere, but I have some stuff to say, and this is as good of a place as any to say it.

I have been thinking a lot lately, about things that I’ve done and said about people - people who I have hurt because of those things that I did or said. When I think of the people who I have hurt, either on purpose or inadvertently, because I didn’t keep my mouth shut, I didn’t mind my own business, I talked shit and I gossiped and I was MEAN – I am ashamed.

I am ASHAMED to admit it – but that’s what I’m doing. I’m admitting it, and I’m putting it out there in public, and I’m going to try my best to change. I can’t take those things back, but I can change my behavior, and try to be a better person, and most importantly, I can do my best to make sure that other people do the same thing too.

I don’t know how many people are going to read this entry. Maybe 5, or 50, or maybe a few hundred. But if you’re one of those people who is reading this right now, listen up, please, because I am talking to you.

I CHALLENGE each and every one of you you to say, enough is enough – NO MORE. No more shit talking. No more gossiping. No more spreading lies. No more whispering about people. And no more standing by pretending you’re not guilty when the person next to you is making fun of someone else. I

f you don’t stand up and put an end to it, you’re just as bad as they are. And if you don’t stand up and put an end to it, odds are, next time it’ll be you.

Every single one of us has done it, and it’s time we stop. If I can do it? You can too. And I don’t care how cheesy or lame or corny that sounds.

If I can do it, you can too.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

It's Getting Hot in Here

Hi everyone!

I hope you all had terrific weekends! If you were in Los Angeles over the past few days, you are probably burnt to a crisp and super sweaty like me, because GODDAMN is it hot. Granted, I haven’t been in LA in April in four years, but I don’t ever remember a heat wave like this so early on. I tried to lay out on Saturday for an hour and I only made it 58 minutes before I had to come in!

I had a very relaxing weekend. Friday night I went to the Dodger game with Felicia and we had a terrific time. I ate my first Dodger dog of the season and of course got so messy it was ridiculous. I was literally covered in ketchup by the time we left – very smooth. Yesterday I hung out and laid out in the valley, and last night I had din at Houston’s and saw the movie 21 with the Marrieds and Lonnie. Today I spent the day shopping in Beverly Hills with Mommy for a dress to wear to Anna’s wedding and, in typical Jordan Silverman fashion, returned home with FOUR DRESSES. I would appreciate any and all opinions and help from anyone who would like to offer their two cents and have thus prepared an email with all appropriate website links and dress explanations to send out at will!

Some other good news:
- plane ticket and hotel has been booked for VEGAS in June!
- I go on March of the Living TWO WEEKS from tomorrow! AHHH.
- The couch is still a BIG HIT!
- The highlight of my weekend: today Mommy and I took a break from shopping to have lunch at Barney Greengrass inside Barneys New York, and while we were eating, this woman walked in. Now, friends, I know I am prone to exaggerate, but please take me at my word when I tell you I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER seen anyone as fake tan as this women. SHE DEFINED TANOREXIC. It was the most repulsive thing I have EVER seen. I could not tell if she was old or young and I could not tell if she was pretty or not – literally all I saw was her brown leathery awful skin. She was so scary I could barely finish my bagel.

In other fabulous news, tomorrow is my dear mother’s birthday. We just celebrated at Mastro’s for dinner with some delicious steak, shrimp, and LOBSTER MASHED POTATOES, which were freakin’ unreal and delicious and EXACTLY what my mom deserves!

Please join me in wishing her a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I am off to figure out if this heat warrants me hauling out my fan… it is HOT in here!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The Best Email Ever

My dear sister Bailey Janna sent me the following email. It really needs no other introduction -- just enjoy and bask in the knowlege that special-ed people can, in fact, use computers.

Dear Dwight,

I'm at the airport going on a trip w my friends and I'm bored waiting to board. Haha get it. Here are some things I've been ruminating about-- aaron karo style:

Its carly machlis' birthday.

They just paged someone named jordan cooool.

I have to sign up for classes and register for next semester but my sign up time is at like 4am I dunno what to do and I'm scared I won't be able to get the classes I want. Fuck my life.

Thailand was the best trip ever I saw a sex show where a fat thai girl in a bikini that was too tight for her stuck a ping pong ball in her mangina and popped it out. She did it like ten times ew I'm gagging thinking about it and then bounced the ball on stage like really get a real job.

I saw havianas that were hot pink w a skull and crossbones in diamonds and ribbons and they were like 75 bucks otherwise I would have bought them for you. Also there was a leopard pair with ribbons and they were aamzing but I know u don't really wear sandals so anyway if u want them ill get them for you.

I got my hair cut and it looks amazing. I have layers and stuff now.

Dani started a dance off last night at the bar. It was rpetty fucking funny she made everyone circle around her and she started a chant of her own name. Hahahaha.

There are some things I want mom and dad to buy me and bring here when they come bc it won't let me charge something from the us and ship it here.

Ok I'm on the plane now miss you a lot thanks for entertaining me. Write back!!!!!

Love, Jim

Monday, April 7, 2008

Can You Even Say "Hot Tranny Mess" on Lifetime?

So Stacy has informed me that when I blogged about Anna’s bachelorette party weekend, I neglected to mention the Rockingbirds. For those of you who do not know who the Rockingbirds are, I am about to rock your world (pun intended).

The Rockingbirds is a fabulous acapella group comprised of Julie, Stacy, and me. Our group was formed sophomore year when, while laying on Stacy’s bed in AEPHI Room 5, we spontaneously started singing “Rockin’ Robin”, complete with “tweet! tweet!” sound effects. Lo and behold, to our surprise, we actually sounded good! (Please note: I maintain this is the first and last time we sounded good.) Stacy was delighted and insisted we form a group immediately. The other songs in our repertoire include ABBA’S “Dancing Queen” and “Goin’ to the Chapel”, which we learned exclusively to sing to Anna :).

Anyways, over the bachelorette party weekend we reunited the group and spent countless hours singing at the top of our lungs, thoroughly annoying Greene and delighting ourselves. We are considering making a special appearance at the wedding to perform exclusively for Anna and Erez… HA! Anna would kill us. Literally kill us.

(By the way, Stacy, telling me to include this would have been way more effective two weeks ago, when I actually posted the blog about Anna’s bachelorette party. Way to keep up on your reading.)

In other news, the Great Couch Debacle of 2008 has been resolved. Bright and early on Saturday morning my father showed up, Starbucks cup in hand, with our handyman, and the two of them proceeded to remove my window and maneuver my beast of a couch into my room. Surprisingly, Daddy was very helpful once he put the Starbucks cup down, and I was very impressed by his ability to lift the enormo couch without even getting his sparkly white sweatshirt dirty. Anyways, I was mildly injured when said couch landed on my little hand, but I recovered quickly by lying on the couch and doing nothing for several hours. For the record, it is insanely comfortable and well worth the effort it took to actually get the thing through the window. The only problem is I don’t think I can ever move out of my apartment!

Breaking news: I just read that BravoTV has lost the rights to Project Runway, and the show will now be seen on… LIFETIME? Uh, I don’t know about all of you, but when I think Lifetime, I think of cinematic brilliance like “15 and Pregnant: The Baby She Never Wanted” or “Coed Callgirl: Her Secret Life.” I do NOT think of Heidi Klum and her ragtag crew of the overly orange Michael Kors, the insanely bitchy Nina Garcia, and of course, everyone’s favorite, Tim Gunn. I don’t know what Bravo was thinking letting PR go – it’s their baby! – but I have a feeling the show might be less than fierce on a different network. For me, half the fun of PR is the fact that it’s on Bravo – they have the uncanny ability to consistently cast the most fabulous gays!

Continuing the countdown, I leave for March of the Living three weeks from today. Yesterday we had our final meeting (this time with the kids’ parents) and we went over all the rules, got an official send off from a member of the Polish consul, got blessed, and saw the movie “Swimming in Auschwitz”, which tells the story of Erica Jacoby, who is one of the survivors accompanying us on the March. Basically I totally lost my shit like four times yesterday, so I have a feeling I am going to be extremely emotional while we’re in Poland. I really can’t wait.

If you are interested in reading what I’ll be writing for the Federation while I’m there, please send me an email or just comment on this blog with your email address, and I’ll make sure to send you the link to the journal so you can see what I’m doing/experiencing/seeing/up to over there!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

The Tale of the Great Couch Debacle of 2008

So I wanted to blog yesterday, but could not, because of the Great Couch Debacle of 2008.

I will now attempt to lay out what happened in a calm and logical manner, as to not cloud the story with my opinionated emotions and my emotional opinions on the matter:

1. Phone call comes from delivery men. “We are here with your couch.”
2. I come outside and greet the delivery men.
3. Delivery man #1 comes in and examines the area where I’d like the couch to go. “No problem. Let’s do it.”
4. Couch is rolled into my apartment complex. No problems.
5. Couch is rolled through the front door. No problems.
6. Couch is rolled through the hall. No problems.
7. Couch is rolled through my bedroom doorway. PROBLEM.
8. Delivery men discuss situation in Spanish. Delivery man #2 turns to me, where I am anxiously wringing my hands in the doorway. “I’m sorry ma’am, it won’t fit.” I am... slightly distraught. “There is no way?” “No way.” “No possible way at all?” “No, no way. “NO WAY AT ALL?” “Well, there is one way…”
9. Delivery men put the couch down and explain to me that the only way the fucking couch is getting into my room is… drumroll please… THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW.
10. I hold approximately sixteen screaming conversations with my mother, my father, and ZGallerie, who informs me that if I wish to return the couch, I will be out 20% plus the delivery fee.
I love the fucking couch. I am not returning it. That is not an option. Instead…
11. I tell the delivery men to leave it in the den. They do so. I tip them. They leave.
12. I cry.
13. I begin discussions with my serious retard of a handyman regarding his ability to REMOVE THE ENTIRE FUCKING WINDOW, PUT THE COUCH IN, AND REINSERT THE FUCKING WINDOW.
14. I cry some more.
15. I call Jacob and tell him the story. His response? “Only a fucking idiot buys a couch without making sure it fits through the doorway.” I hang up on him.
16. He calls me back. I pick up and cry. He feels bad and apologizes. We discuss the problem. He distracts me with several other stories including the Tale of Paul Ryburn’s Blog (more on that later). 17. I stop crying and am calm.
18. I wander out to the kitchen to get a snack. I see the couch in the den.
19. I cry again.

That is basically how I spent about 4.5 hours yesterday – crying and freaking out and dealing with the Great Couch Debacle of 2008. Currently, the fucking couch is still chilling in my den. I have plans this weekend for the handyman to come and remove the window. I will keep you all posted.


Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April Fool's Day = Totally Lame

So today is April Fools Day, which I hate because a) it is stupid, and b) I am gullible. (I also don’t like surprise parties, so, in case you were thinking of throwing me one… don’t.)

Anyways, this morning on KIISFM, Ryan Seacrest was irritating me greatly by “pranking” his viewers into thinking that the channel 5 guy, Sam Cassel, was fired on air and had defected/just shown up on Ryan’s doorstep to work for him. The whole thing made me feel vastly superior to all the retarded people across the city who were calling in to express their sadness at Sam Cassel’s “misfortune.” Then when they did the Big Reveal, Ryan pretended like he had no idea it was all fake, which just made me even madder. Ryan, you are a big important star. Stop playing silly games with these stupid people and go host the top-rated show on television.

I will, however, give props to Gmail, because they fooled me. When I went to sign in this morning, their homepage was touting their new feature, “Gmail Custom Time.” Seriously, go here and read what they wrote. For a second, I was like “WTF? This is SO wrong,” but then I realized that it was April Fools Day and it was probably illegal to do those things anyways. So ha, I am smarter than Gmail.

So last night was the episode of The Hills Bailey and I were supposed to be on. Big newsflash: we were not. I guess I understand why, because if you were to show what Heidi Montag really looks like next to two normal looking brunette people, everyone across American would shun MTV. (Hint: no hair is really that blonde and no skin is really than tan without the major aid of bleach and tanning beds.)

Ooooh, this just in. Something else I hate besides April Fools Day and surprise parties: people who show up and say “knock knock” but don’t really knock.

At work my boss told me about this hilarious blog, Stuff White People Like, which basically makes fun of all sorts of things white people either genuinely like or pretend to like in order to attain “street cred” from persons of ethnic origin. I had seen it once or twice before, but never really paid that much attention to it. Uh, big mistake. It’s hilarious and SO TRUE. Por hemplo, a small sampling of Stuff White People Like:

- Whole Foods/Grocery co-ops
- Expensive sandwiches
- Wes Anderson movies
- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart/Colbert Report
- Graduate school
- breakfast places

Breakfast places might be my favorite, because it contains this fabulous bon mot…

“In white person law, if you meet someone at 80s night and then go out for breakfast the next morning, then you are automatically in a relationship. There are no exceptions.”

AGREED! I happen to know one such individual who shall remain nameless who began a very intense hooking-up type relationship after bringing him home on a Thursday night after dancing to the Mockingbirds. She then had breakfast with this human being at a delicious Tucson institution known as The Good Egg (which I am now sorry I mentioned because I am now craving their iced tea. What IS IT with LA not having fucking decent iced tea? Reason #76 why I am moving to Texas.) Anyways, just out of those random six, I genuinely like three (The Daily Show/Colbert Report, breakfast places, and expensive sandwiches) and am ambivalent about the others.

I am currently in the valley and need to go attempt to help Mun with my laundry (AKA, halfheartedly throw my leggings in the washing machine before she kicks me out of the laundry room), so I am off. Happy Tuesday to you all!