A Tale of Rabbis, Las Vegas, and Potential Salmonella

So I spent the weekend in Vegas, with Julie, Greene, Liz and Varadi, and it was super fun. Along with the usual eating, gambling, shopping (I bought a new hot pink wallet and a SICK black cashmere sweater at Barneys, among other things), we also drank and danced QUITE a bit. Varadi had a hookup that got us VIP into Tryst (in the Wynn) and Tao (at the Venetian), so we cut every line and didn’t pay cover once. I also left with more than $200 of winnings, which, compared to my usual haul of ZERO POINT ZERO, is pretty freaking awesome.

What was not freaking awesome was the weather in Vegas, which I estimate to have been a breezy 158 degrees. Greene described it best – “I feel like wherever I go, there is a heater DIRECTLY ON ME.” We also met quite a few interesting chaps (I say chaps because they were indeed British and many an interesting snog was had by some… or most…) as well as two hilarious creatures named Matt and CJ who taught us THE BEST GAME. I can’t explain it online because it’s too complicated but the next time you see me, just ask and I’ll totally bust it out. It is almost as good as Lightening Round. See! You’re excited already.

Viva Las Vegas, ya’ll. I can’t wait to go back.

Yesterday was Mommy’s UN-stallation as president of Adat Ari El. Everyone was sad and making speeches about what a wonderful president she was, to which I say, too bad, so sad, you had her for two years, now she’s back to being mine and being available for lots more cuddles and sushi dinners. I continued my three-year long tradition of wearing a blue dress, if you’re interested, and Bailey dazzled the Adat crowd by appearing in what I think was a black tie gown to the floor. That one – either overdressing to the max or wearing jeans to four-star restaurants, I swear.

We were seated at table numero uno along with my BEST PAL Rabbi Moshe J. Rothblum, who I sweetly interrogated over dinner. This is what I learned: his favorite color is blue, he is lactose intolerant, he does not watch reality television, and he hates to fly. I adore him. Over dinner I also came up with the idea that I will host a small dinner party at my apartment for all my mom’s friends. I have lived there for almost a year and none of them have seen my place yet, so this way they will come and potentially even bring me presents. The ONLY caveat is this: I will have to provide food for everyone. And we all know I do not know how to cook. I hear a shrimp cocktail platter at Costco calling my name… (and YES, I did just mention shrimp in the same paragraph as the Rabbi.)

One more example of how I know the readers of this blog are insane and/or middle aged: at the Un-stallation, Bailey had a bit of a “situation”, and I was forced to go around asking all of my mom’s friends for a tampon. Every time we asked someone for one, they laughed in our faces. “No. Definitely not.” (Defer what you will from that). Fast forward forty five minutes – Bailey and I are enjoying our meal when one of my favorite ladies (who shall remain nameless – let’s call her… Lisa Marie) ran up and crouched next to me.

“Jordan,” said Lisa Marie. “When you asked me for a tampon, and I said I didn’t have one… I USUALLY do, I promise! Please don’t put this on your blog!”

Bailey hadn’t believed me about my devoted fan club of my mother’s friends, but this convinced her I had been serious. Ha.

Speaking of Bailey, while I’d love to stay and chat longer, unfortunately, I need to go call home and check to make sure she’s still alive. She started barfing at 10pm last night and basically hasn’t stopped. My mom thinks it’s a stomach bug, but I, being the brilliant scholar I am, pointed out that Brainiac Bailey ate a tomato salad for lunch yesterday. So it is potentially salmonella, which would SUCK, but also be HILARIOUS.

I’ll keep you posted. I’m laughing just thinking about it.

YAY, GAYS!

Today marked the first full day where gay and lesbian couples were finally able to marry their partners in California. Took long enough!

I really am so happy about this – I think I blogged about my feelings on this issue before. It literally blows my mind that in the year 2008, gay and lesbian couples are STILL being told that they cannot marry their loved one. I honestly do not see what business it is of anyone to tell someone else who they can or cannot love or marry. I especially like this quote from San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom:

“There are some who just can't get over the idea, the image even, of two men kissing," he said. "But for most Californians, I think, if they just pause and think about what gay marriage means to the people they know, they won't want to take it away. The people getting married are your teachers, your neighbors, your cousins. They are the bus drivers, waiters and waitresses and your doctors.”

It’s so true. I think that people who are anti-gay marriage never think about the actual people who this new ruling affects. I can only hope that this will lead to more equality for gays and lesbians all across the country. I am just so PROUD to be from California today!

OH MY GOD. BEST TIE IN EVER…

Speaking of gay marriage, I just returned from Elianna’s bridal shower. (Told you it was good.) Believe it or not, I have actually never been to a bridal shower before. My mom co-hosted it, and it was very nice, even considering the fact that Bailey and I were the only kids there. (Can I be a kid if I am a college graduate with a full time job?)

I really love Elianna, not just because I can truthfully claim “My Rabbi reads my blog”, but also because she is one of the nicest and most genuine people I have ever met. She, however, thinks my mom is one of the nicest and most genuine people she has ever met, and made a really beautiful speech thanking my mom, which made my mom cry and made me feel somewhat uncomfortably guilty about all the times I yell at my mom for being crazy.

Elianna is marrying Sara on my birthday (August 31 – SAVE THE DATE BITCHES. I WANT PRESENTS), and I am super excited about it. They both claim to be wearing wedding dresses – I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t the only one wearing a wedding dress at my wedding. I would kick that person’s ass for stealing the attention away from me, I think.

Oh my god, ANOTHER amazing tie-in! Speaking of attention on me, I need to bring up an interesting phenomenon that has recently come to my attention. When I decided to create this blog, I had envisioned it as a fun little website where my friends and other folks around my age could fuck around, procrastinate, and read about my life instead of doing actual homework or other important things.

NEWSFLASH: This blog attracts the attention of more 50-year old women than I have ever imagined in my life. My mother proudly hands out the web address to everyone she knows – and she knows A LOT of middle-aged Jewish women. Tonight at the bridal shower, it was literally THE topic of conversation – I sat there shaking my head while all my mom’s friends talked about which post was their favorite! Don’t get me wrong – there is nothing wrong with them reading it, and I actually do appreciate it. (Shoutouts to the posse, including Loyal Reader #1 Janice “Blondie” Field and Newcomer Sharon “My Husband is Insanely Hot” Gersh.) It’s just that I have no idea WHY they read it – to learn my opinions on American Idol? To hear about my drunken escapades in various bars across the United States of America? For a firsthand account of exactly what I will do to Bailey should I ever catch her in my closet ever again?

I just don’t know. But ladies, enjoy the blog. I love having you here.

Anyways, due to the fact that I have become somewhat lazy about posting (I blame it on summer. I vow to be better in the future. AKA fall.), this might be my last post before I head off to VEGAS on Thursday!!! I am spending the weekend there with Julie and Greene and their friends from home Jennifer Varadi and Liz Melamed.

I am SO EXCITED – I haven’t been to Vegas since January. I can’t believe I let so many months go by between visits. I’ll just think of it as money saved… and I’ll do my best not to flush it down the toilet at the slot machines this weekend. I already begged Mommy to give me gambling money, and she begrudgingly agreed, so I plan to sit at the damn machine til my ass goes numb.

So it’s late, and I should go to bed. I stayed up late to post a new/funny post for all my fans out there :) love ya’ll! Going to bed now… gotta get some rest for the big weekend!

Ooh Ooh Baby

So I realize I have not blogged in a while. I have TWO excellent excuses: number one, Bailey came home last Thursday, and number two, I had a four day weekend where I was very busy dicking around and not doing anything of great importance. So I was very distracted. My apologies to all, and especially Bragman, who texted me in the middle of the night to complain about my lack of new postings. This is for you, Brag.

So let’s talk about those excuses. Bay is home! Mostly yay. Like 90% yay. It would have been 100% yay except for a screaming fight we had in the middle of the Topanga parking lot, where I actually opened the car door while it was moving and got OUT. But except for that 10 percent, we’ve had a lovely time playing and shopping and eating and doing the usual.

We saw the Sex and the City movie on Friday night with the Mayo ladies and Mommy. I LOVED IT. I loved every second of it – I laughed hysterically, cried hysterically, and drank a little sippy cup full of a Cosmopolitan from a flask that Mommy snuck into the movie theater. She is so funny!



Los Angeles is going through a Laker craze right now. I would like to say that I could not care less, but that’s not true. I hate the Lakers and I want the Celtics to win so that all those nights of my father screaming “F” at the top of his lungs at the television set will be worth something.

Speaking of my father, I have an excellent story! Last Friday at the Dodger game, after waiting 54 years and sitting through literally thousands of innings, Mr. Gary Silverman CAUGHT HIS VERY FIRST FLY BALL…

… and on Saturday afternoon, HE CAUGHT HIS SECOND.

GO DADDY! Can you BELIEVE IT?! TWO fly balls in less than 24 hours! That must be some sort of world record, I swear... He was so happy, it was so cute. He said that both times when he caught the ball, he stood up and bowed and blew kisses to Vin Scully up in the Dodger box!

It’s so nice that it’s already Wednesday night! Two more days of work and I get to have a weekend again! Plus, a week from tomorrow I am off to VEGAS for a weekend of shopping, tanning, and major drinking with some fabulous ladies from the great state of Texas. And speaking of weekends, if you’re around this weekend and feel like being Jew-y, drop by One Shabbat Morning at Adat Ari El on Saturday and hear me speak about my experiences on the March of the Living. Should be SUPER rewarding!

And now I saved the best for last – I just watched the Top Chef finale and STEPHANIE WON! I could not be happier – finally a female winner for my favorite show! Her food and menu looked wonderful and she really showed how talented she is. I am just SO GLAD Lisa didn’t win! More to come on that, I promise, after I re-watch. I am going to miss watching this show every Wednesday night (it IS my favorite!), but I know they’re already filming season five so it shouldn’t be too long before I get a WHOLE OTHER SEASON AGAIN!

A good end to the evening :) NIGHT YALL!

SEE MOM! I Still Update My Blog!

So, I just came back from the March of the Living reunion a few minutes ago, and it was SO good to see everyone! I miss my kids so much… it was so weird being together in Los Angeles and knowing that just a few weeks ago, we were on the other side of the world together.

We got the chance to talk a little bit about how the trip has changed us, and I was relieved to hear that everyone is still impacted – everyone thinks about it everyday. A ton of kids said the same thing that I feel – it’s so much easier to talk about it with someone who went on it with you. You don’t have to explain so much, you don’t have to search for words that aren’t there, because if they were there, they know, and they get it.

Also, I learned the most INCREDIBLE thing at the reunion! One of my kids (from my reflection group – only ten people, so I’m very close to all of them) made the life-changing decision when we got back from the trip to JOIN THE IDF. She is moving to Israel on August 5 and she will be joining the army shortly thereafter. I asked her what made her do it, and she reminded me how, on Yom Hazikaron, we met with a group of Americans who joined the Israeli army and she explained, “I thought, if they could do it, I could too.” I could not be ANY prouder.

In other news, today Barack Obama clinched the 2,118 delegates needed to become the Democratic Party nominee for President, but Hillary Clinton has yet to concede his victory or drop out of the race. Honestly, even though I voted for her, I am so ready for this nonsense to be over. I really and truly believe this is dividing the Democratic party, and I am so utterly frustrated because I feel like this is only giving the Republicans time to strengthen their campaign. If Obama won the delegates, then he should have the fucking nomination. As much as I admire Hillary, I can’t help but have a sour taste in my mouth for her dragging her feet and possibly causing our party irreparable damage. I guess we will see how this plays out over the next few days... who knows? Maybe she'll be his VP!

Before I go, I want to give a shout out to my little :) Tam, you’re the best and you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better! I love you so much!

Bailey comes home from Australia Thursday and I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT. I CANNOT. FUCKING. WAIT. We have NEVER been apart for this long and I am SO excited to see her. Thursday cannot get here fast enough!

Love and Marriage, Memphis Style

They did it! Anna and Erez got married! And we had a fabulous time celebrating...

I arrived in Memphis around noon and after meeting up with Julie in the airport, reunited with my Jacob, which made me ridiculous happy and not even a little bit irritated that Stacy’s flight was delayed and we had to wait. Over drinks in one of the airport’s eleven Starbucks, I entertained Julie and Jake by explaining my seatmates on the airplane – two identical obese twins wearing Hard Rock Café t-shirts who munched on Snickers bars for three and a half hours straight. After finally retrieving Stacy, Jake took us to our hotel, conveniently located RIGHT ON Beale Street (this would prove important later), and then whisked me off to tour Memphis and enjoy lunch with his Mom (who I finally met after five years of being Jacob’s best friend) and his sister Sophie, who I adore. Lunch was delish – my sandwich had creamed spinach ON IT (nope, never saw that before) – the only downside was he didn’t allow me to order a fried pickle. Guess I’m gonna have to do that the next time I’m in Memphis, which should be ASAP, since I refuse to be separated from Jacob for months at a time anymore.

He took me back to the hotel and I rejoined all the friends and we all got dressed up for the rehearsal dinner, which was at this place called EP’s Delta Kitchen. We enjoyed appetizers and cocktails on the roof of the restaurant, then headed downstairs for dinner and speeches. I of course felt the need to make a speech, even though I did not have one planned, so Jeremy and I got up there and talked for a little bit – representing the rest of the Arizona crew who did not have the balls to get onstage. We did say some nice things – I was slightly intoxicated but remembered wanting to convey my happiness that Erez had seamlessly fit into the group. Jeremy mentioned how originally he had not been pleased when Anna and I had set him and Erez up on a playdate, but now he appreciates it, because Erez is his friend too, not just Anna’s fiancé. You are welcome, Jeremy. Told you it would all work out.

Then we watched a slideshow that Susan put together, and then it was time to SHAKE IT! All of the Arizona people, Jacob’s Camp people, HUC people, and other random Jews blew it up on the dance floor. We danced and drank a LOT of wine at EP’s before Jacob collected everyone and moved us onto Beale, which was CRAZY. I LOVE the South. Every guy was hot and had a hot accent and was wearing some hot seersuckery/linen ensemble…mmm. After a little while at a bar called Silky’s (which Jacob says he goes to all the time) we dragged our drunk asses back to the hotel, conveniently located ten steps away, and passed out.

Saturday we woke up bright and unnecessarily early and headed out to explore Memphis in the HUNDRED DEGREE HEAT WITH HUNDRED PERCENT HUMIDITY. Literally I was melting like a tiny M&M. NOT CUTE. A bunch of us walked through downtown Memphis to grab some Memphis barbeque at Rendezvous – to be honest, we were not big fans, but I think that was probably because most of the group was from Texas and Texas and Tennessee have some sort of random barbeque rivalry. I dunno. My sausage plate was good. We ran around Beale for a while, eating ice cream, taking photos and doing touristy things like standing on top of the balls at the FedEx Forum (ok, maybe I was the only one who couldn’t stand on the ball and had to kneel), then came back to the hotel and gathered in the hospitality suite to eat cookies and play hangman with everyone – which was SO fun!

Then it was time to get ready for the wedding! We arrived downstairs looking GORGEOUS and started taking photos. (Several times over the weekend I felt it was necessary to explain our behavior to some of the other wedding guests, telling them, “This is what we do – we drink a lot and we take a lot of pictures.”) The bus arrived to take us to the temple and we hopped on – cue 25 minutes of us sweating profusely in the non-air conditioned bus and Jacob literally mopping sweat off his face like a grandpa with a handkerchief. When we finally got there, we quickly took our seats outside, started fanning ourselves with the fans Anna so generously provided for us, and THEN THE WEDDING STARTED!

It was beautiful. I didn’t think I was going to cry, but when Anna walked down the aisle, I needed Jacob’s handkerchief. I could NOT believe it was finally happening! She looked amazing, Erez looked snazzy in his suit, and in about 20 minutes, it was over and my very first friend was married! (SHOUT OUT 1409 – WE WON! FIRST MARRIAGE IN THE GROUP!)

The actual wedding was great – there were speeches, cake, and a ton of dancing, just the way we like it! Jacob and I tore up the dance floor and he only had to yell at me a few times for stepping on his toes. After the wedding, we took the bus back to the hotel, changed into flipflops, and headed back onto Beale Street, which was… quite different than the previous night, to say the least. I can’t really describe it, but Jacob had to hold my hand. We hung out at AC Pat O’s drinking and dancing (the band played Take Me Out to the Ballgame – wtf?) and then the Marrieds showed up! As we all walked back to the hotel, I said to Anna, “This is the happiest night of your life. You will remember this night forever. It is supposed to be incredibly special and memorable – and you’re ending it the way you always end it, walking home with your drunk friends trying to find food!” I think she and Erez got the hint – they left right after!

I wish I could say the night ended there, but it was 3:30am and we were damn hungry, so room service was ordered and some late night visitors – namely, Ziggy and Ben Berman (Anna’s camp friends) joined us in our room to eat, laugh, and talk… oh, and Ben took his shirt off and showed us how he can lactate. Yes, you read that right – at 4am in Memphis, Tennessee, I watched a 23 year old man squeeze milk out of his nipples.

After the lactation incident and the screaming that came with it, we only got a few hours of sleep. Sunday morning we headed off for the brunch and then sadly said our goodbyes :( I hate when we are all together and we have to say goodbye. Anyways, after the brunch everyone left… I had booked an evening flight so I could spend more time with Jake. He took me on a tour of his house, we hung out with Soph, and I met his daddy, before he decided to take me to lunch in MISSISSIPPI! Yes, I can now say I have been to Mississippi. Thanks Jake. Then we effed around downtown Memphis for a while, hung out at his apartment, and watched like six hours of Memphis Barbeque cooking shows on Food Network before he took me to the airport.

All in all a pretty fabulous weekend. I am never happier than on weekends when we are all together and I am always depressed the next few days thinking about how much I love and miss everyone… I love my friends so much. Anna and Erez, I am SO happy for you and I am SO glad you live in LA so I can see you whenever I want to! Enjoy Vegas you crazy kids :) and come home soon so we can play!