Sunday, June 14, 2009

Just Call Me Juror #3

Greetings, yall! Just popping by for my weekly check-in. It's Sunday night here but I wrote this a few days earlier.... posting it now before I forget!

So I began my week in a truly superb fashion: JURY DUTY. It was my first time, and I was flipping out. Was not at all looking forward to spending a week with some special ed’s who are even crazier than me. Also I am slightly germphobic, and did not really want to sit in the jury bench near other people. BUT the law is the law so of course I had to go. So I arrive Monday morning, Starbucks and Glamour mag in hand, and OF COURSE get called right away to sit on a case. I go in and the (extremely freaking hot judge) proceeds to read us the charges this random woman is facing.

Charge #1: Trespassing
Charge #2: Disturbing the peace
Charge #3: Inciting a crowd

I looked at the defendant and was instantly frightened/intrigued. God knows I love crazy people, and this one was INSANE. She was already interrupting the judge and objecting to things that weren’t even happening (did I mention she was representing herself?) and I could just already tell she had a major touch of the crazy.

Then Hot Judge randomly decides to drop the bomb and mention the following… all this took place at a SYNAGOGUE, and is therefore basically a hate crime. This is approximately when I, sitting in the jury box, decided to put my purse on top of my feet, as I was wearing my ISRAELI FLAG HAVIANANA SANDALS and did not want to risk the possibility of the crazy woman seeing my Jewish feet and lunging at me with murder in her eyes.

It was then time for the potential jurors to answer questions about our lives and any biases we may have. When it was my turn, I told the court that I did in fact have a connection to an attorney – in fact, my father was a criminal defense lawyer. Crazy Defendant immediately started screaming that that meant I would not be able to be a fair juror as she “could tell” I believed she should have a lawyer.

THEN, I was asked to provide my job. Reluctantly I told them I did Public Relations for a religious nonprofit. I was then asked if I wouldn’t mind elaborating on what type of religious nonprofit I worked for. I informed the court that I did, in fact, work for a Jewish organization. Immediately I could see the D.A.’s eyes light up – big Jew in the courtroom! Would probably not enjoy the hate crime very much! Would make a terrific juror for her side!

It basically took about fourteen more seconds for me to be excused after that. When I got excused, I was torn – I knew I couldn’t really be a fair juror so it wasn’t right for me to be there, but GODDAMN did I want to stick around and watch the crazy unfold.

All in all, a very entertaining day and a perfect introduction into the world of jury duty. Of course of all people, it would be me who would end up face to face with a completely insane woman who hated Jews. I mean, did you really think I would end up sitting on a civil suit or some shit like that?

After leaving jury duty, I continued my spectacular day by going to meet my trainer at the gym. Our new thing is boxing – we go outside and box for a while. I am not going to lie, this also includes me running around screaming and high-fiving an imaginary crowd. Anyways, lately my trainer has added in another element of gym humiliation – a bouncy ball. I jump on this ball and basically flail around and its supposed to do something to work out my ass. Or my legs. I don’t know.

ANYWAYS, if you were one of the lucky people driving on Wilshire Boulevard past Joe’s Gym at 6:40pm that day, you would have been privileged to see me jump on the bouncy ball, which promptly skidded two feet away from me, causing me to FLY UP into the air and land flat on my back on the pavement. I ripped my right elbow open and it started gushing blood everywhere, causing my trainer, a former paramedic, to go into full-on freak-out mode and basically almost do CPR on me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am FINE! Just absolutely mortified. I plan on using this as an excuse to never get on the bouncy ball again!

So that’s my fun week so far. Tune in next time to hear about my experiences at… drumroll please… the taping of So You Think You Can Dance!!!!!!

One last thing before I go… this is my 100th POST! Here’s to 100 more :)

Monday, June 1, 2009

Waking Up in Vegas (Shout out to Katy Perry)

Greetings, yall. I am fucking exhausted. Got back from my favorite city on earth last night –Vegas, baby, and it was so fun! Without doing a moment by moment play by play I’ll do my best to sum up the fabulousness in just a few words…

The Friends: so the original trip was booked with Greene, Anna, and Gerrick. Imagine our delight when we realized the ENTIRE Oloff family would be there that weekend as well for Jacqueline’s 21st birthday! We also got to spend time with the Fox twins and special guests Sam Slugh and Lucie, who we know from AEPHI. Fabulous!

The Food: Clearly I take this seriously. When we got there Friday afternoon, we lunched at Mon Ami Gabi in Paris – I love sitting on their patio and watching the Bellagio fountains across the street. Gerrick, apparently, enjoyed her first time there, so much that for the next few days she begged to go back and have more fries. Friday night we dined at TAO (more on the TAO experience later). Food was good but it was irritating that we got seated at 10:20PM for a 9:45 res! Saturday, we ate lunch at the brand new Serendipity 3, right in front of Caesars. I have never been to the original Serendipity – but I had a foot-long hotdog and a frozen hot chocolate for lunch, so it’s a pretty safe bet that I am now a Huge Fan and it has earned the DFWF Seal of Approval. Saturday night we had Spago for din – I introduced my friends to the joy of the smoked salmon pizza and watched them gobble it up happily, which pleased the Jewish mother within me. A brief yet special interlude was spent at the Paris buffet at FOUR O’ CLOCK IN THE MORNING. I wish I could say I sampled the food, but shockingly I didn’t – I was too busy trying to make sure the many drinks I had consumed stayed inside me. Sunday, we dragged our hungover asses over to Caesars to the food court, where Gerrick and I ate lobster rolls. There’s nothing like adding lobster to the mix of alcohol in your stomach, I assure you.

The Fun: Suffice it to say we had an amazing time. Anytime I go anywhere with my pals we have a great time, and when you add Vegas in the mix things are bound to be great. We shopped, we tanned, we gambled, and of course… we drank. We spent Friday night at TAO (comped, thanks to Anna’s persistence) and it was just decent – bouncers kept shining flashlights in Gerrick’s eyes, and it was crowded and hot (probably due to the appearance of Christina “Dirrrty” Aguilera, who kept walking right by our table.)

Saturday night was another story altogether. The new hot club in Vegas is XS (say it fast) at the Encore. Apparently, on Memorial Day weekend they turned away 3,000 people. When we arrived, the lines were INSANE, but we weren’t worried – the Oloffs had procured a hookup to help us get in quickly. For the low low price of $50, “Ray Ray” literally led our group of 15 Jews through the masses of trashy, platform-heel wearing tramps and we cut the ENTIRE LINE. (I would like to point out that D-List celeb Ryan Cabrera got turned away before my very eyes, while I, Jordan Silverman, marched right in, proving my point that I am an A-List celeb.) Anyways, XS was awesome. We drank, danced, met randoms, all inside this gorgeous club – I can’t wait to go back. Good thing I got “Ray Ray’s” number!

(Only damper of the weekend: originally, we got a sweet hookup for a free room at the Flamingo by someone we knew who worked there, who has since moved back to Texas. Unbeknownst to us, the person who is eligible for the comped room needs to actually be there at check-in. Imagine my fucking face when the cheery concierge idiot informed us that the going rate for the weekend was $250 per night. WRONG. I quickly got on the phone and mobilized – thankfully, I had comps and was able to nab us a room at Paris for the weekend for cheaper. It all worked out in the end, but briefly I imagined myself homeless in Vegas, sleeping in the corner of the casino near the GoldFish penny slot machines and showering in the Bellagio fountain…)

Ooh, speaking of GoldFish! I won the penny slot jackpot! And in case you are wondering, that works out to a grand total of… forty bucks. WHAT UP!

Ah, Vegas, I miss you already. Good thing I’ll see you next month! (My mom was very jealous I was there without her – she kept texting me “win anything yet?” and “what are you gambling?” – so we’ll be making a trip there very soon.)

Hope you all had good weekends! Next time I blog, I’ll be in a FABULOUS MOOD because Bailey Janna the College Graduate is finally coming home for good, and I couldn’t be happier. We haven’t lived in the same city for six years!

LA – you do NOT know what is about to hit you!