Sunday, June 14, 2009

Just Call Me Juror #3

Greetings, yall! Just popping by for my weekly check-in. It's Sunday night here but I wrote this a few days earlier.... posting it now before I forget!

So I began my week in a truly superb fashion: JURY DUTY. It was my first time, and I was flipping out. Was not at all looking forward to spending a week with some special ed’s who are even crazier than me. Also I am slightly germphobic, and did not really want to sit in the jury bench near other people. BUT the law is the law so of course I had to go. So I arrive Monday morning, Starbucks and Glamour mag in hand, and OF COURSE get called right away to sit on a case. I go in and the (extremely freaking hot judge) proceeds to read us the charges this random woman is facing.

Charge #1: Trespassing
Charge #2: Disturbing the peace
Charge #3: Inciting a crowd

I looked at the defendant and was instantly frightened/intrigued. God knows I love crazy people, and this one was INSANE. She was already interrupting the judge and objecting to things that weren’t even happening (did I mention she was representing herself?) and I could just already tell she had a major touch of the crazy.

Then Hot Judge randomly decides to drop the bomb and mention the following… all this took place at a SYNAGOGUE, and is therefore basically a hate crime. This is approximately when I, sitting in the jury box, decided to put my purse on top of my feet, as I was wearing my ISRAELI FLAG HAVIANANA SANDALS and did not want to risk the possibility of the crazy woman seeing my Jewish feet and lunging at me with murder in her eyes.

It was then time for the potential jurors to answer questions about our lives and any biases we may have. When it was my turn, I told the court that I did in fact have a connection to an attorney – in fact, my father was a criminal defense lawyer. Crazy Defendant immediately started screaming that that meant I would not be able to be a fair juror as she “could tell” I believed she should have a lawyer.

THEN, I was asked to provide my job. Reluctantly I told them I did Public Relations for a religious nonprofit. I was then asked if I wouldn’t mind elaborating on what type of religious nonprofit I worked for. I informed the court that I did, in fact, work for a Jewish organization. Immediately I could see the D.A.’s eyes light up – big Jew in the courtroom! Would probably not enjoy the hate crime very much! Would make a terrific juror for her side!

It basically took about fourteen more seconds for me to be excused after that. When I got excused, I was torn – I knew I couldn’t really be a fair juror so it wasn’t right for me to be there, but GODDAMN did I want to stick around and watch the crazy unfold.

All in all, a very entertaining day and a perfect introduction into the world of jury duty. Of course of all people, it would be me who would end up face to face with a completely insane woman who hated Jews. I mean, did you really think I would end up sitting on a civil suit or some shit like that?

After leaving jury duty, I continued my spectacular day by going to meet my trainer at the gym. Our new thing is boxing – we go outside and box for a while. I am not going to lie, this also includes me running around screaming and high-fiving an imaginary crowd. Anyways, lately my trainer has added in another element of gym humiliation – a bouncy ball. I jump on this ball and basically flail around and its supposed to do something to work out my ass. Or my legs. I don’t know.

ANYWAYS, if you were one of the lucky people driving on Wilshire Boulevard past Joe’s Gym at 6:40pm that day, you would have been privileged to see me jump on the bouncy ball, which promptly skidded two feet away from me, causing me to FLY UP into the air and land flat on my back on the pavement. I ripped my right elbow open and it started gushing blood everywhere, causing my trainer, a former paramedic, to go into full-on freak-out mode and basically almost do CPR on me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am FINE! Just absolutely mortified. I plan on using this as an excuse to never get on the bouncy ball again!

So that’s my fun week so far. Tune in next time to hear about my experiences at… drumroll please… the taping of So You Think You Can Dance!!!!!!

One last thing before I go… this is my 100th POST! Here’s to 100 more :)

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