I Gave Him the Best I Had and He Asked For More

Here I am, back from the Arizona reunion in Houston! And let me tell you, we had fun. So much fun that I have lost my voice and sound like a squeaky mouse .

What did we do all weekend, you ask? Well, here is the trip recap! Friday, I got in around 5pm, and relaxed at Julie’s adorable apartment before dinner at Pesce with the Rubenstein fam, which was, as always, lots of fun. I had a delicious mojito and ate grouper for the first time. Then we were off to meet up with Greene, Bragman, and Jeremy, where we sat in a random bar and quizzed Bragman on Outback (the first of many recurring conversations on the topic, much to Jeremy’s chagrin). We then headed off to Bragman’s apartment (also fabulous and with several interesting Bragman shrines), where we met up with Gerrick, Danny, and special guest Christine when they finally got in around midnight. That night, Greene, Julie and I all slept in Julie’s bed, where we lined up like little soldiers and did not move all night.

Saturday began with a trip to Hobby Lobby, my FAVORITE place ever. I got some fabulous frames and scrapbook stuff and Julie sliced her finger open, which resulted in us having to file an accident report with the manager and will probably end with her owning Hobby Lobby. Fabulous. I hope she lets me shop there for free. Then we headed off to the FAMOUS Brisket Barbeque, owned by none other than the SAGHIAN FAMILY CLAN. It was delicious and I was a happy camper indeed, ESPECIALLY after I received a free sweet tea from one Mr. Saghian. Amazing. After a brief trip to Target, where my panicked parents phoned Jeremy in order to find me (I had left my cell phone in Julie’s apartment), we went to some random sports bar to watch the Arizona/Stanford game, which ended disappointingly. After the game came showers and then we all trekked off to Piato for Julie’s birthday dinner! I had specially requested that we go there because the last time I was in town we went and I had the asparagus special, which is TO DIE FOR. MMMMM. After dinner, we went to my second favorite bar in the world, Whiskey Creek. More on that in a second. The events at Whiskey Creek require their own paragraph.

Sunday we woke up, stumbled (hung) over to the bagel shop, where ten of us squeezed in to eat delicious Jew food. Then, after a brief photoshoot, we had to say goodbyes – SAD. The Dallas Three and Jeremy left, and Bragman went to nap, and Julie, Greene, and I squeezed in a trip to the big and amazing Forever 21, where I purchased a fabulous vest/dress combo. I briefly got to see Jill (who had been sick all weekend) for a few minutes, then it was off to greet Mrs. Tamerol Greene, then off to Outback to quickly bid adieu to Brag before my 5:30pm flight home. However, while in the Outback parking lot, I discovered my flight was delayed to the point where I would be unable to make my connection and would potentially have to stay overnight in Phoenix. Seeing as THAT was not happening, I bitched out Southwest for a while until they finally put me on an 8pm nonstop back to LAX, which meant that before Greene took me to the airport, I got to enjoy a meal at Outback with Bragman as my waitress. All went smoothly until she served me a drink with a little buggie in it. Yes, that really happened. Other than that, she was a fab waitress and definitely earned her tip. I’m glad I got to finally see her in action.

Okay. Now on to the events of Saturday night, which was INCREDIBLE. We arrived at Whiskey Creek around 11. Whiskey Creek is this bar in Houston that has cheap drinks, a dance floor, cowboys, and a DJ who only plays rap music and country line dancing songs. AMAZING. AMAZING. Anywho, most of the evening was plain old super-fun, with a lot of drinking and picture-taking. The out-of-towners got to meet Bragman’s boyfriend Tito, who was very pleasant and smiley. We took to the dance floor, where we danced and I was persuaded to give do-si-do-ing a try. I got whirled around the dance floor a few times by Boris and Jeremy, who tried to teach me how to two-step, which, as you can imagine, was not happening. I retreated to the safe arms of one Mr. Danny G, who dances like a normal person – CALIFORNIA LOVE. Shots were taken, Pat Green songs were sung, we ran around screaming like crazy sorority girls (what?), and then the lights came on in the bar at 2:00, which was when the real fun began.

After we are shepherded outside by the bouncers, Julie (who had been mysteriously missing for a half hour) reappears clutching this red-eyed, bedraggled, insanely drunk boy she introduces as “Daniel G., from Hebrew School!” She insists that this human accompany us on our next stop of the evening, to Bragman’s apartment. Alas, we have no ride. Then Boris comes zooming out of nowhere, telling us to get in his car and he will drive us. Practical as I am, I realize Boris has been drinking, and I refuse to get in the car. Boris gets angry and drives away. Then Julie’s human decides HE is going to solve the problem. Inexplicably, we begin walking to his apartment, when out of nowhere, Boris reappears and insists we get in the car. I refuse, he gets mad and drives away. This scene happens approximately four more times. Finally, he agrees to let Greene drive – she gets into the front seat and realizes he has a stick shift. Greene cannot drive stick. FFFFF. Eventually, miraculously, we make it to Bragman’s, through extremely shady means (don’t worry Mommy). I wrote HELP on Boris’s window about fifteen times.

Throughout the car ride, every time Daniel G. opens his mouth, for absolutely no reason, I tell him to shut up. Julie and Greene laugh hysterically. Daniel G. does not appear at all fazed by this.

DG: “Where are we going?”
Me: “WE ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU ARE NOT INVITED. GET OUT OF THE CAR. WHO ARE YOU?”

When we arrive at Bragman’s, I continue my verbal assault on Daniel G., who continues to smile and blink in my direction. By now I decide he does not get it, and unleash my drunken anger on this human.

DG: “You seem awfully angry…”
Me: “SHUT UP.”
Gerrick: “Who’s Daniel G? That’s Ben Wasserman.”

Gerrick is, of course, retarded. We know no Ben Wasserman. Boris and I have a quick screaming match and I decide we need to leave. By now it is 4am, and cabs are scarce. We finally manage to track one down, and when we get in, DANIEL starts to complain because the cab smells like Robotissin.

DG: “IT REEKS. I think I’m going to throw up.”
Cab driver: “It’s extra if you throw up.”

I turn around, ream him a new one, and assure the cabdriver he will not throw up. After twenty minutes (where DG announces that we should have just gone to his place cuz he has “twelve times more alcohol than Bragman does”, and I am forced to remind him that twelve times zero is still zero), we are safely delivered at Julie’s apartment, where I assure him he is NOT invited in. Somehow, he actually seems disappointed, which cements my belief that he has something wrong with him. On the way out of the cab, I throw him a $20 and mumble that I am sorry. This is what the kid says.

“Julie, Greene, it was really good to see you, we should do this again… next time, make sure you bring some more of these,” (pointing to me). He then smiles and tells me it was NICE TO MEET ME.

I’M STILL IN SHOCK. I gave this kid THE VERY BEST in Jordan Silverman Bitchery, the best I had IN ME, and he TOOK ALL I GOT AND ASKED FOR MORE.

Unbelievable. I’m still laughing.