Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Boys Will Be Boys

AHHH American Idol! Oh lovers. This is truly my favorite show in the universe. Here is part of an email I sent to Greene this morning (that she strangely did not receive) with all my impressions of the boys who sang last night. I hope you enjoy it (Larissa!) Okay, here goes...

David Hernandez - he was fairly decent last night and doesn’t deserve to go home. However, he basically got fucked by singing first, which means he runs the risk of America not remembering who he is or what he sang. Fickle America.

Chikeze – I think Chikeze has decided to just go by one name. Solid choice. Unfortunately, the thing I liked best about Chikeze’s performance was not his song or his ensemble but rather how he jumped RIGHT into attacking Simon after Simon told him he didn’t like his performance. I mean, that takes guts. At least wait for the SECOND WEEK.

David Cook – Personally, I was bored, but everyone else liked it so fine, I’ll give him a pass. I think he needs a wig though, his comb-over is AWFUL.

Jason Yaeger – I like Jason Yaeger, but he doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning this competition. Also, his child needs a haircut desparately.

Robbie Carrico – Even as I type this, I am shocking myself, but… I do not hate Robbie. I actually somewhat enjoy him. Don’t get me wrong, the boy needs to shave his head, but I actually found his voice to be fairly pleasant. Plus, his claim to fame before this was that he dated Britney Spears, which means I have an irrational attachment to him already.

David Archuleta – I HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS CHILD. There really is no need for me to watch this season, because David Archuleta IS my American Idol – I LOVE this kid. He is so adorable, so smiley, so sweet, and so TALENTED that ordinarily, I’d be nauseous and hate him, but he is just TOO CUTE. I cannot even fathom his cuteness. Literally, everytime he is onscreen I turn into a squealing mess incapable of saying anything except “awwwww!” LOVE him. ARCHULETA/SEACREST 08.

Danny Noriega – Danny Noriega is possibly the most flaming human being on earth. In his flashback video, they showed him auditioning/making it to Hollywood last year (which I was unaware of) and the boy looked HOT. Like, gay hot, with totally over-gelled hair and a lip pierce, but hot nonetheless. I hate the shaggy haircut he has now. Anyways, the boy can sing like a black woman, we know this, but he cannot sing like Elvis, because Elvis is definitely the anti-Danny, so poor song choice, but he will most likely be around for a while unless the haters in the red states form some sort of anti-gay movement against him and force their clueless farm daughters to stop voting, put the phones down, and get back to milking cows or whatever they do in Oklahoma.

Luke Menard – Boring, boring, I’m snoring. The thing about Luke Menard is that he is so utterly nondescript, so fade-into-the-woodwork, that he seems incapable of doing anything with any excitement. He didn’t suck, but he was forgettable, and I’m glad Simon told him so.

Colton Berry – First of all, I like Colton Berry because he came right out and admitted that he looks like Ellen DeGeneres. I also like him because he has perfect highlights in his hair. He is also a good singer – I actually think this kid is cute enough and young enough to stand a chance. If he can work it out, he might have a shot in the Top 12.

Garrett Haley – oh, GARRETT. In order to properly review Garrett’s performance, I must borrow from someone else. Without a doubt, my absolute favorite website is televisionwithoutpity.com (if you don’t know it, I have zero interest in knowing you), and one Mr. Joe R. reviewed Garrett’s performance with words far better than anything I could ever come up with, announcing that “Garrett looks like the girl who died of anorexia and is now haunting your attic.” In addition to this awful mental image, Garrett sucked. Buh-bye.

Jason Castro – For some reason, every time I look at Jason Castro, I picture Pee Wee Herman wearing a long dreadlock wig. Don’t laugh – look at him next time, you’ll agree. Also, whenever I start to type Jason, I type Jacob. I’m gonna need to work on that. Jason Castro played the guitar during his performance and did not suck. Fine.

Michael Johns – Michael Johns. You are kind of hot; your accent makes you hotter. Your scarf made you look like a hot tool. You, my friend, have absolutely nothing to worry about. You will without a doubt be in the Top 12 this year. Trust me, I know these things. Who I think is going home: Luke Menard and Garrett Haley. Am I upset about this: I cannot remember Luke Menard for the life of me and Garrett Haley is terrifying on all sorts of levels, so: in a word, no.

Get excited for the recap of the girls' performances tomorrow... quick shout out to Wendy and Randy who both told me this evening that they read my blog and never miss an entry :) LOVE IT!

Also, before I go, I want to wish ELLANA BETH SELIG a very happy birthday. We just returned from the annual birthday extravaganza at the fine establishment Olive Garden where we celebrated Lonnie's 24th birthday and it was FABULOUS. I love you and I hope your day was fab!

1 comment:

Ellana said...

LOVE YOU!!! thanks for the bday blog your are the shittt. i would read your blog everyday, but since fuck is in the title its a little hard to get past the LAUSD firewall.