Many of you know that, in recent years, I have become devoted to television. Perhaps devoted is not the word. I adore TV. This is, of course, directly related to my acquisition of Tivo at the beginning of my junior year. I now have shows that I watch religiously every night of the week (except Friday and nothing great on Sunday – I am eager for suggestions). I love my shows. I cry at the sad parts, I laugh at the funny parts (I also occasionally laugh at the sad parts), I make fun of the characters, I wait with bated breath after the previews suck me in each week. I just love TV.
That being said, I am irritated. You will now all be treated to a short rant that I like to call TYRA BANKS AND AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL ARE INSANE.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I usually love America’s Next Top Model. I have been a faithful devotee of the show for at least five seasons, long before Caridee mouthed off to Nigel, Bre poured energy drinks down the drain, and Kim made out with Sarah in the limo. But I digress. The show has these hilarious little challenges and deranged photo shoots and awesome bitchy drama generally I enjoy it very much.
But last night was the finale. And America’s Next Top Model is… Saleisha?
Saleisha is gross. They gave her that stupid little haircut and bad advice on clothing a d she spent almost every episode talking about how awesome she was and jumping up and down on the bed happily screaming about how she loved sparkles and cookies and Tyra and whatnot and she was just irritating. As for the others in the final three, from a strictly modelesque standpoint, Chantal (no bright bulb herself) was prettier, taller, and thinner. Don’t even get me started on how they got rid of Jenah (interesting looking, funny, and even appeared to have a brain) as fast as possible.
I swear, they picked Saleisha just because last week in that stupid “Mongolians and Barbarians Climb Over The Great Wall of China” photo shoot, she jumped in the air and Tyra managed to stop talking about herself long enough to snap a cool looking photo. And even though Tyra claimed that Saleisha’s summer at Tyra’s own T-ZONE camp would have no affect on her in the competition, you KNOW Miss T was gunning for her to do well, just so she’d have an excuse to keep her around and then act all “Me? My camp? The little T-ZONE camper is a good model? Amazing! I had no idea.”
And as long as I’m still ranting, I might as well mention that the formula for this show is OLD. Anyone with half a brain knows exactly what is going to happen every season, or, for that matter, every episode! In case you are not one of these people familiar with Tyra’s empire, I’ll give you a rundown.
We start by narrowing the large pool of gangly awkward tall girls to thirteen finalists. In a series of rapid succession we have: edgy photoshoots, makeovers (where someone HAS TO CRY about her ugly half shaved dyed white hair), general bitchery and smacktalk, some scary ass wigs worn by Tyra at judging, a breakdown of some random model in the phone booth to her loving Christian parent in Buttfuck, Idaho (who encourages her to pray, as if that’ll help), a trip to some “fashion capital” of the world, and a lot of elininations of previously stated gangly awkward tall girls. Somewhere in the middle there we also have the girls jumping into pools, the obligatory plus-size model has a body-breakdown, Tyra and Miss J do a stupid dance at panel, and Nigel makes hot and creepy remarks. Throughout it all, Tyra continues to pretend she is Oprah by picking on models, asking models what deep dark secrets or traumas they have experienced in life, and speaking in a soft soothing voice when the models break down crying. She is not Oprah. Nowhere close. And I don’t even like Oprah these days.
But if I can be serious, the number one thing that really makes me mad about America’s Next Top Model is the fact that they got rid of Janice Dickinson. Every Wednesday, when I sit in front of my TV and watch ANTM, I lament the abdication of Janice Dickinson. She was the shit – panel was all about waiting to hear what bitchy remark Janice would make and what stupid model she would make cry. Luckily, we can all get our Janice fix now that she has her own AMAZING show on the Oxygen Network. Janice has major Botox, makes her male models strip for no good reason whatsoever, screams at people, and is generally crazy. She is FUCKED UP and I love it!
Down with Tyra. Viva la Janice!