About an hour ago, my cousin Mandy (shout out Mangina) imed me to whine about the fact that she was a) bored, b) avoiding doing her homework, and c) mad that the Silvermans were not going to be attending the annual Dysfunctional Family Vacation© this year.
For those of you who don’t know, every year, my entire extended family on my mom’s side spends a week together in some exotic tropical locale. Past trips have included treks to the Bahamas, Atlantis, Puerto Rico, Hawaii, Cabo, Cancun, St. Thomas, several cruises, and one ill-fated week of insanity at Club Med Florida. Unfortunately, this year, due to several circumstances (including the fact that I have a job and have not yet accrued vacation time, blechhhh), my fam will not be able to attend the DFV©.
So, in honor of the DFV©, Mandy suggested that I put together a short list of memorable moments from the last nineteen years. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, highlights of the Dysfunctional Family Vacation.
Remember the time that…
-- While on a cruise, Jeffrey contracted some sort of violent flu, which he passed to all seven cousins in a matter of hours. Eventually, we were quarantined to our rooms, and later found out that we got our male maid so sick he had to be put in the ship infirmary. Lesson learned. Our germs are potent.
-- A fun trip with all seven cousins on a banana boat ride in the ocean turned into a nightmare from hell when the evil Mexican man manning the boat decided it would be funny to throw the seven Jewish children in the deep water. May I also mention that 6 out of 7 are frightened of the ocean, myself including. He threw us off, we screamed and cried, I got injured… it was disastrous.
-- Some naked photographs of one Miss Mandy Jill and one Miss Bailey Janna were taken while the two wrestled naked on a bed. Eventually, the two tired themselves out so much that they fell asleep, cuddled up naked in the bed. Unfortunately, my mother reads this blog or photographic evidence would have been posted.
-- I woke up, went to the pool, downed a margarita, went to get lunch, passed out in the middle of the restaurant, and woke up to find that a one legged lady had thrown her crutch aside in her haste to get to me. Of course, an ambulance/Virgin Islands paramedics were summoned immediately and I threw up no less than three times while an audience of 150 watched. Of course, my dear sister took photos. A video is also available.
-- A certain mother and grandmother spent an entire day in Mexico searching pharmacies for illegal prescription pills that they most certainly did not have prescriptions for. I’ll leave it at that.
--Lastly, and perhaps, most famously, while on a cruise, a loudspeaker announcement issued a frantic plea for a certain gentleman to reveal himself. He did not, and shortly afterwards we were requested to go back to our cabins and look for something “unusual”. After this, the Captain got on the loudspeaker to inform us we were turning around to “search the area” with the Coast Guard.” We later found out that the assistant pastry chef aboard our ship had FALLEN OVERBOARD AND DIED. Of course, we were mostly concerned that that meant no dessert would be available for the remainder of the trip.
That is just a sprinkling of the retarded events that take place every December. I am sure this year’s trip will be no less than amazing as well. So, to Susan, Alan, Ryan, Sam, Howard, Lynn, Mandy, Jeff, Rachel, and of course, Meema, I wish you a wonderful trip to Cancun. Please wear sunblock.
And Mandy? Take pictures.