This May Be My Longest Post Yet!

Before you even think it, I KNOW I'VE BEEN SO MIA! Ahem. My apologies to all those in the blogosphere. I actually do have a legitimate excuse, and though it pains me to admit it, I will share it with all of you.

I joined an effing gym. Ugh. I am now one of THOSE people. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel and if I like it. The answer is this: I do NOT like it and would much rather be lying on the couch singing songs, but know it is for my general health and well being so I will continue to go. The mere act of putting sneakers on and lacing them up makes me feel very athletic, so we shall see how this goes… my trainer is (of course) this teeny blond little midge… I can’t decide if that’s inspiring or infuriating.

God, so much has happened since I last blogged! I’ll fill all yall in, and make it an extra special long post to boot… here are some TOTALLY RANDOM yet fabulous updates and ruminations from the dark mind of Jordan Marisa:

Since the last time I updated, I have been on KIIS FM’s morning show not once, but TWICE! To make a long story short, I listen to KIIS every morning on my way to work – Ryan Seacrest and his sidekick Ellen Kay are hilarious and I love them. They do this regular feature called Ryan’s Roses about once a week – basically, a girl who thinks her husband or boyfriend is cheating on her calls in and explains her problem, and Ryan has someone on his staff call the guy and offer him a free dozen roses to see who he offers him to… his girl or someone else! Usually, the guy is totally cheating and the girl cries her little heart out on air and makes everyone uncomfortable, but the last two Ryan’s Roses were actually really interesting and worth commenting on… so I called in and commented! Both times they picked up right away and put me through. You might think that’s lame, but can YOU say you talked to Ryan Seacrest before you had your morning coffee?!

Last week I wrote this awesome post all about Sarah Palin, and right as I was about to put it up, I reread it and decided it barely scratched the tip of the iceberg of everything I wanted to comment on. So, instead, I will say nothing about Sarah Palin here – if you are truly interested in my thoughts about her I’d be happy to rant and rave in person. And if you haven’t watched the SNL skit where Tina Fey BRILLIANTLY channels Her Craziness, click here right now and stop reading my blog. There are more important things for you to be doing.

(I will say this: well done, Bristol Palin! You are the new Jamie Lynn Spears. I was wondering who would corner the teenage mother contingency now that JL has gone and birthed her tot, so I’m glad you filled the slot up real fast.)

Moving on! Two weeks ago I had the incredible opportunity to attend the opening of the BRAND NEW Neiman Marcus in the VALLEY! It was super fab – I wore my brand new MaxMara dress and felt very fancy. The opening party was the night before the actual store opened to the public, so the parentals and I just sashayed around the store for a few hours, eating delicious appeteasers (the dumplings in the men’s section and the lobster finger sandwiches in the shoe salon were particularly excellent) and oohing and ahhing over the clothes and jewels.

I am also proud to note that I made a friend in the adorable gay who runs the contemporary section, who snuck me over to a register and allowed me to make a purchase! AMAZING – I am one of the very first people to ever buy anything from that store! I think he sensed we were going to be doing a lot of hanging out :) Anyways, look what I got!

Today at lunch, Teddy, Jessie and I went to the Farmer’s Market. Though the pastrami sandwich and the company were good, the highlight was definitely when a bird shat on Teddy’s plate, right as he was about to take a bite of his food. I laughed so hard I cried and almost fell off my chair. It’s moments like that that make me desperately wish for my own reality TV show.

Speaking of TV, fall programming has really been quite hit or miss lately. Gossip Girl continues to be the most amazing show that has ever existed (I literally sit in my room alone and whisper to myself at commercials, “Best. Show. Ever.”). 90210 is predictable and lame but of course I am sucked into it. Every season I think there is no way on earth Tyra Banks can top last year’s crazy – but she wows me every single year, with this year’s Top Model group including a fucking TRANNY! Excellent. Anyways, the best part of it all is exactly a week from tonight, Grey’s Anatomy and the Office return – I CAN’T WAIT!

Last weekend, a mini Arizona reunion occurred at Happy Endings – or should I say in the Happy Endings parking lot? For some reason, the bar was at overflow, and instead of turning people away, they simply roped off the parking lot, put a few PortaPotty outside, and set up a makeshift bar! Commence drinking for all Wildcats in attendance. Highlights included a run-in with an ex boyfriend from elementary school (Me: “Hi! What’s new?” He: “Oh, you know… I’m kinda gay.” Terrific.) and a strange compliment from a random (“That is the most dramatic exit from a PortaPotty I have ever seen.”) It was one of the most fun nights I’ve had in a while… complete with drama, dancing, and a 2am walk across the street to In&Out!

Pictures from that evening will be up soon – everyone must be sure and note my AMAZING tan! The night before, Greene and I went spray tanning in Santa Monica and the results were pretty damn fabulous. I never again have to subject myself to potential skin cancer – I’m just gonna hit up Chocolate Sun off Main Street and be a perfectly bronzed beauty! Love it.

While we’re on the subject of things I love – MISS BRITNEY JEAN SPEARS ROCKED THE SHIT OUT OF THE VMAS. Oh my god, from the second she walked onstage, I literally almost had tears in my eyes. She looked AMAZING – exactly like old Britney! I was so proud of her! The only bummer was that every single one of her thank-you speeches (for the THREE awards she won!) was exactly the same… girlfriend needs a new speech writer. I’ll happily volunteer. Long live BRIT!

Got a busy weekend ahead of me – tomorrow night I am going to the Dodger Game with the parentals and GB. Saturday, I’ll be at the UCLA/Arizona game – the last time I went to a football game I literally tumbled down the entire row of stairs and landed facedown in the first bleacher. Needless to say, I wasn’t too anxious to go back, but I couldn’t resist a day of drunken debauchery with some fellow Wildcats. Saturday night I have to work – the Federation is holding our annual comedy night at the brand new Laugh Factory and Comedy Hall of Fame in Long Beach, and I have to be there to deal with press and media. It’ll be okay though – Dane Cook is scheduled to perform! (Cue Greene peeing her pants in excitement).

I’m out. BEAR DOWN BITCHES!