4th of July -- Not a Holiday for Jews

So I recently returned from a long weekend spent in Newport at the beach house, and I have an announcement to make.

July 4th? Not a holiday for Jews. ESPECIALLY if you plan to celebrate in Newport Beach on Balboa Boulevard. I’ve never seen anything like it – thousands of people congregate on the beach and on beach house patios, drinking, screaming, and partying into the wee hours of the night. Extremely fun, yes, but also extremely overwhelming. I am fairly certain that they close the streets leading to the beach and you are not allowed in unless you are any combination of the following:
- blond
- tan
- not Jewish
- an alcoholic

Bailey and I discussed this while taking a dip in the ocean. (Some of you may know that I profess to hate the beach, as I abhor being dirty or sandy and I am scared of the ocean because I don’t like not seeing what I am stepping in. However, for some reason none of these things apply when I am in Newport. At first, I run back and forth on the sand screaming until I finally am persuaded to get INTO the water, but then you cannot get me out. I swim and dive into the waves fearlessly like a champ. Bailey calls me a mermaid.)

Anyway, there we were, shivering in the ocean like the pale brunettes we are, wearing our shiny black bathing suits, staring enviously at the tan blonde Abercrombie goys wearing skimpy scraps of fabric and romping about in the water, and discussing how clearly out of place we were, when we realized that July 4th is really not for Jewish people.

July 4th is about the three Bs -- barbequing, beer, and blowing shit up. And let’s be honest here – Jews don’t really do that. We burn the things we barbeque, we vomit if we drink too much beer, and we do not like the loud noises that come when you blow shit up. Am I wrong? Maybe that’s just us. Maybe it’s just the Silverman family (and by extension, the many Jews who flock to see us) who really have no business being there. In case you did not know, we are not blond or tan, nor do we have drinking problems (well, my mother does enjoy her Red Roosters a little too much, but that’s a whole other story).

So I guess I’ll look at it this way -- 4th of July is the one day a year that we Jews partake in these decidedly non-Jewy activities. I can get down with that.

All in all, the weekend was extremely fun – partiers included the Milgroms, the Fields, the Mayos, the Safenowitzes, Tina, Talya, and my friend David from work (who brought his wife and tiny baby). Unexpected Special Guest Stars included Darren, David Shapiro, Staypuft, Mike Barber, and Brandon Cohen. (Yes, I still can’t even believe it myself. Inquire within for more details on that.)

Hot dogs were grilled, punch was served, and Gary Silverman learned how to play both Beer Pong and Flip Cup. Rest assured, he was a champ at both. He also flexed some impressive muscle the THREE times our patio was infiltrated by extremely drunk individuals wanting to either a) hang out, b) drink our liquor, or c) use our bathroom. Very impressive Daddy. Nicely done.

Quote of the weekend from one Mr. Jeff Safenowitz:
Me: “You’re virgins who can’t drive.”
Jeff: “Hey! We can drive.”

Bahahaha. Anywho, I hope everyone had a super swell 4th of July weekend as well. I promise to try and blog more often so people will stop yelling at me. I am off to eat imitation creamed spinach and blowdry my hair. Happy Monday, yall!