An Earth Shaking Blog Post

So I have not blogged in a while because lately, I feel like life has been fairly quiet and even a little bit boring. Unfortunately, when I tried to use this excuse on a few people who asked why I haven’t been blogging, I was immediately told to shut up and get to work*, so here we go!

Today LA was hit by a fairly large 5.8 earthquake. I was at work when it happened around 11:45am, and at first, I didn’t even look up. The Federation building was swaying pretty hard, though, so I did get up and climb into the nearest doorframe. David, who I work with, is from Philadelphia, and came flying out of his office at a hundred miles an hour.

“What are you doing? Why are you in the doorway?” He was freaking out. I explained to him that that’s just what you do during an earthquake – if you’re near a doorframe, you stand in it, because buildings can collapse, but doorframes are built into the foundation. I then explained some other earthquake rules that we natives of southern California know, such as Thou Shall Not Sleep Underneath Windows or Thou Shall Bolt The Shit You Don’t Want Breaking to Your Walls.

I also realized that I know quite a few people who are new in California who have yet to experience an earthquake, including Anna, Erez, Ross, Talya, etc…. so I gave everyone a ring and welcomed them to the SOE Club (Survivors of Earthquakes Club). Then I called Greene and scared her for a while – she better prepare herself for some shaking!

So what else is new in the life of JMRS? Let’s see. Rabbi Rothblum (love of my life) asked me to speak at Yom Kippur services in October about my experiences on the March (basically I am a one woman publicity machine for the March), after which he will give the pitch for the Masorti movement and why people should buy Israel bonds. I am honored to have been asked – hundreds of people come to temple on High Holidays who usually don’t come to temple and who also might not know about the March… I hope I reach people who otherwise wouldn’t have known anything about this essential program.

I have also recently decided to venture into the world of investing and buying stocks… this past weekend, I was shopping with my mom and begged her to buy me this amazing discounted (but still not cheap) Marc Jacobs clutch. She refused, and I STUPIDLY said something along the lines of, “FINE! I will buy it myself!” This, of course, led immediately into her questioning me in the middle of Saks Fifth Avenue exactly how I could afford that… which led to her demanding to know how much money I have saved… which led to her making me tell my dad how much I have in my savings account… which led into him lecturing me on how I need to put my money in places other than my bank account, such as something called a CD (which apparently does not have anything to do with music) or in stocks.

I picked stocks, because two of the people I chat most regularly with (former DFWF contributors Jacob Cullen and Jeremy David) are like head over heels in love with the stock market and since I already have to hear about it from them all the time anyways, I might as well learn some stuff and pick up tips while I’m at it.

I gave Jake the list of things that I want to invest in things I want to invest in: Broadway musicals, food, and shoes. He turned this list into the following: JC Penney and Buffalo Wild Wings… somehow that was not what I was thinking. Jeremy suggested some other stuff, like Apple and a bank, but I forget which one. Starbucks was vetoed by both, which makes me sad. I like to go to Starbucks so that when I buy things I am improving my dad’s stocks options. (That sentence may not have made any sense... I'm kind of just throwing out terms I've heard. Stop me if I stumble upon one that actually makes sense.)

I hope this investing thing turns out better than when I was into football picks for about twenty minutes. I seem to recall I kind of sucked at that, and I will be intensely furious if I suck at this – real money is at stake! Marc Jacobs clutches are at stake!

Anywho, this weekend I am off to Vegas with the fam :) a little weekend trip before BayGay goes back to school and the Magnificent Sisterly Duo is parted once again. We are seeing Jersey Boys and eating at Craftsteak… what could be better?

I know what could be better… when I return from Vegas, my GREENE BEAN will be here in LA… FOR GOOD!!!!

*also a line from my favorite porn… a little bonus nugget of information for all of you who read to the end!

The Most Beautiful Wedding Dress in the World

This, my friends, is the MOST beautiful wedding dress in the world. It is Vera Wang, it is probably $47,000, and I WILL get married in it!

That's all for now -- just popping in to show you all. I couldn't resist! More blogging tomorrow or the next day, I promise. And for those of you are curious WHY or HOW I stumbled upon this online... let's just say I'm the only person in the universe who isn't engaged or getting married... wedding websites are my new best friend. Cool, right? NOT.

CIAO!

WONDERFUL NEWS!

So, I have known about this for a while, but didn't want to post it or make a big deal about it til it was final...

GREENE IS MOVING TO LA!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my best friend Jennifer Leigh Greene is officially moving to Los Angeles! She lined up an apartment to sublet for a few months while she looks for a job and a more permanent place to live, is shipping her car out and flying out here in the beginning of August, and TODAY she changed her facebook network from Houston to Los Angeles!

JenLeigh34: i like how as much as i told you about my plans to move, like actually agreeing to sublet an apt and applying for jobs, not until i change my FACEBOOK network did you really think it was happening lol

I am SO excited -- Greene and I have SO much fun together and I can't wait for all of our LA adventures to begin. I can't wait to shop, eat, drink, play, and do one other thing we seem to do quite often together... DANCE!

Music to Your Ears -- In More Ways Than One!

If you’re reading this and have ears, you can automatically tell the new feature that I’ve added to the blog – MUSIC! I’ve added a list of songs that I personally adore and hope you will enjoy listening to them as well :) I think it’s pretty cool – if you don’t like it, want to switch songs, or turn it off, just scroll down to the little player and do what you need to do. I saw this on someone else’s blog and Jacob magically found me the website so I could add it to my own personal blog, and I am very happy about it! Thank you Jake!

It’s only Monday and I’m already excited for Friday –Federation Movie Day! Apparently every summer, the Federation gives all its employees the day off from work and takes everyone to see a major summer blockbuster. I LOVE IT! Free Swedish Fish, a diet coke, and people dancing around singing Dancing Queen – the Jordan Silverman recipe for success. Nothing could make me happier.

So I had a pretty nice weekend. Friday night me and some special guest stars headed off for an evening at Air Conditioned, the club in Venice. It was mildly entertaining – I got drunk off $5 well drinks and Talya took pictures of me while I was peeing. Rest assured those will NOT be posted online. Saturday involved a delicious brunch at NY Bagel Co and then various beauty-related errands in the val, capped off by dinner at The Hungry Cat in Hollywood. I ate the most delicious shrimp ever – I can’t wait to go back.

Then yesterday I roused myself at the ungodly Sunday morning hour of 8:30, got dressed, and drove off to Oxnard to watch my dear friend Tali get married! I have known Tali since we were five years old – I can’t believe she is married now! The wedding was beautiful – the ceremony was held outdoors overlooking the beach, which is perfect for Tali and her husband William because they are totally beachy and outdoorsy. I wore my new FUCKING FABULOUS dress and cried when she walked down the aisle. The reception was very cute and again, very them – they had a reggae band! I’m not going to lie, reggae is hard to dance to and I’m fairly sure I looked stupid but I did have fun with my pals. The only bad part of the afternoon? I did NOT catch the bouquet. One crazy person I’d like to identify as MISS NATALIE QUINONES got a little too excited and smooshed me off to the side so she could catch it! Very upsetting.

Speaking of weddings, in a few minutes I am heading off to dinner with Miss Wendy Gordon, where I will admire her new engagement ring! We will be eating at what Ellana fondly refers to as the “punch me in the face sushi restaurant,” for the time that she promised I would not get food poisoning there, and if I did, I could punch her in the face.

Anyways, before I go, we have something of vast importance to discuss. While fucking around on the computer, I stumbled upon the American Idol website, and realized something – tryouts for the 8th season of American Idol begin THIS WEEK!

Should I try out!?

Let me be straight – in no way do I think that I will be crowned the season 8 winner. I like to sing, and I like to think I have a decent voice, but I harbor no illusions that I am the next Celine Dion. That being said, I REALLY WANT TO TRY OUT! I think it would be so fun, and I LOVE reality TV, and I would absolutely DIE if my audition ended up on TV… how hilarious would that be?

In short, I need to make a decision, and I need to make one FAST. If I decide to go ahead with this, I think I’ll fly to Phoenix and try out there NEXT FRIDAY!

I am welcoming any and all comments and suggestions. If you’ve never posted a comment here, NOW IS THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4th of July -- Not a Holiday for Jews

So I recently returned from a long weekend spent in Newport at the beach house, and I have an announcement to make.

July 4th? Not a holiday for Jews. ESPECIALLY if you plan to celebrate in Newport Beach on Balboa Boulevard. I’ve never seen anything like it – thousands of people congregate on the beach and on beach house patios, drinking, screaming, and partying into the wee hours of the night. Extremely fun, yes, but also extremely overwhelming. I am fairly certain that they close the streets leading to the beach and you are not allowed in unless you are any combination of the following:
- blond
- tan
- not Jewish
- an alcoholic

Bailey and I discussed this while taking a dip in the ocean. (Some of you may know that I profess to hate the beach, as I abhor being dirty or sandy and I am scared of the ocean because I don’t like not seeing what I am stepping in. However, for some reason none of these things apply when I am in Newport. At first, I run back and forth on the sand screaming until I finally am persuaded to get INTO the water, but then you cannot get me out. I swim and dive into the waves fearlessly like a champ. Bailey calls me a mermaid.)

Anyway, there we were, shivering in the ocean like the pale brunettes we are, wearing our shiny black bathing suits, staring enviously at the tan blonde Abercrombie goys wearing skimpy scraps of fabric and romping about in the water, and discussing how clearly out of place we were, when we realized that July 4th is really not for Jewish people.

July 4th is about the three Bs -- barbequing, beer, and blowing shit up. And let’s be honest here – Jews don’t really do that. We burn the things we barbeque, we vomit if we drink too much beer, and we do not like the loud noises that come when you blow shit up. Am I wrong? Maybe that’s just us. Maybe it’s just the Silverman family (and by extension, the many Jews who flock to see us) who really have no business being there. In case you did not know, we are not blond or tan, nor do we have drinking problems (well, my mother does enjoy her Red Roosters a little too much, but that’s a whole other story).

So I guess I’ll look at it this way -- 4th of July is the one day a year that we Jews partake in these decidedly non-Jewy activities. I can get down with that.

All in all, the weekend was extremely fun – partiers included the Milgroms, the Fields, the Mayos, the Safenowitzes, Tina, Talya, and my friend David from work (who brought his wife and tiny baby). Unexpected Special Guest Stars included Darren, David Shapiro, Staypuft, Mike Barber, and Brandon Cohen. (Yes, I still can’t even believe it myself. Inquire within for more details on that.)

Hot dogs were grilled, punch was served, and Gary Silverman learned how to play both Beer Pong and Flip Cup. Rest assured, he was a champ at both. He also flexed some impressive muscle the THREE times our patio was infiltrated by extremely drunk individuals wanting to either a) hang out, b) drink our liquor, or c) use our bathroom. Very impressive Daddy. Nicely done.

Quote of the weekend from one Mr. Jeff Safenowitz:
Me: “You’re virgins who can’t drive.”
Jeff: “Hey! We can drive.”

Bahahaha. Anywho, I hope everyone had a super swell 4th of July weekend as well. I promise to try and blog more often so people will stop yelling at me. I am off to eat imitation creamed spinach and blowdry my hair. Happy Monday, yall!