This May Be My Longest Post Yet!

Before you even think it, I KNOW I'VE BEEN SO MIA! Ahem. My apologies to all those in the blogosphere. I actually do have a legitimate excuse, and though it pains me to admit it, I will share it with all of you.

I joined an effing gym. Ugh. I am now one of THOSE people. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel and if I like it. The answer is this: I do NOT like it and would much rather be lying on the couch singing songs, but know it is for my general health and well being so I will continue to go. The mere act of putting sneakers on and lacing them up makes me feel very athletic, so we shall see how this goes… my trainer is (of course) this teeny blond little midge… I can’t decide if that’s inspiring or infuriating.

God, so much has happened since I last blogged! I’ll fill all yall in, and make it an extra special long post to boot… here are some TOTALLY RANDOM yet fabulous updates and ruminations from the dark mind of Jordan Marisa:

Since the last time I updated, I have been on KIIS FM’s morning show not once, but TWICE! To make a long story short, I listen to KIIS every morning on my way to work – Ryan Seacrest and his sidekick Ellen Kay are hilarious and I love them. They do this regular feature called Ryan’s Roses about once a week – basically, a girl who thinks her husband or boyfriend is cheating on her calls in and explains her problem, and Ryan has someone on his staff call the guy and offer him a free dozen roses to see who he offers him to… his girl or someone else! Usually, the guy is totally cheating and the girl cries her little heart out on air and makes everyone uncomfortable, but the last two Ryan’s Roses were actually really interesting and worth commenting on… so I called in and commented! Both times they picked up right away and put me through. You might think that’s lame, but can YOU say you talked to Ryan Seacrest before you had your morning coffee?!

Last week I wrote this awesome post all about Sarah Palin, and right as I was about to put it up, I reread it and decided it barely scratched the tip of the iceberg of everything I wanted to comment on. So, instead, I will say nothing about Sarah Palin here – if you are truly interested in my thoughts about her I’d be happy to rant and rave in person. And if you haven’t watched the SNL skit where Tina Fey BRILLIANTLY channels Her Craziness, click here right now and stop reading my blog. There are more important things for you to be doing.

(I will say this: well done, Bristol Palin! You are the new Jamie Lynn Spears. I was wondering who would corner the teenage mother contingency now that JL has gone and birthed her tot, so I’m glad you filled the slot up real fast.)

Moving on! Two weeks ago I had the incredible opportunity to attend the opening of the BRAND NEW Neiman Marcus in the VALLEY! It was super fab – I wore my brand new MaxMara dress and felt very fancy. The opening party was the night before the actual store opened to the public, so the parentals and I just sashayed around the store for a few hours, eating delicious appeteasers (the dumplings in the men’s section and the lobster finger sandwiches in the shoe salon were particularly excellent) and oohing and ahhing over the clothes and jewels.

I am also proud to note that I made a friend in the adorable gay who runs the contemporary section, who snuck me over to a register and allowed me to make a purchase! AMAZING – I am one of the very first people to ever buy anything from that store! I think he sensed we were going to be doing a lot of hanging out :) Anyways, look what I got!

Today at lunch, Teddy, Jessie and I went to the Farmer’s Market. Though the pastrami sandwich and the company were good, the highlight was definitely when a bird shat on Teddy’s plate, right as he was about to take a bite of his food. I laughed so hard I cried and almost fell off my chair. It’s moments like that that make me desperately wish for my own reality TV show.

Speaking of TV, fall programming has really been quite hit or miss lately. Gossip Girl continues to be the most amazing show that has ever existed (I literally sit in my room alone and whisper to myself at commercials, “Best. Show. Ever.”). 90210 is predictable and lame but of course I am sucked into it. Every season I think there is no way on earth Tyra Banks can top last year’s crazy – but she wows me every single year, with this year’s Top Model group including a fucking TRANNY! Excellent. Anyways, the best part of it all is exactly a week from tonight, Grey’s Anatomy and the Office return – I CAN’T WAIT!

Last weekend, a mini Arizona reunion occurred at Happy Endings – or should I say in the Happy Endings parking lot? For some reason, the bar was at overflow, and instead of turning people away, they simply roped off the parking lot, put a few PortaPotty outside, and set up a makeshift bar! Commence drinking for all Wildcats in attendance. Highlights included a run-in with an ex boyfriend from elementary school (Me: “Hi! What’s new?” He: “Oh, you know… I’m kinda gay.” Terrific.) and a strange compliment from a random (“That is the most dramatic exit from a PortaPotty I have ever seen.”) It was one of the most fun nights I’ve had in a while… complete with drama, dancing, and a 2am walk across the street to In&Out!

Pictures from that evening will be up soon – everyone must be sure and note my AMAZING tan! The night before, Greene and I went spray tanning in Santa Monica and the results were pretty damn fabulous. I never again have to subject myself to potential skin cancer – I’m just gonna hit up Chocolate Sun off Main Street and be a perfectly bronzed beauty! Love it.

While we’re on the subject of things I love – MISS BRITNEY JEAN SPEARS ROCKED THE SHIT OUT OF THE VMAS. Oh my god, from the second she walked onstage, I literally almost had tears in my eyes. She looked AMAZING – exactly like old Britney! I was so proud of her! The only bummer was that every single one of her thank-you speeches (for the THREE awards she won!) was exactly the same… girlfriend needs a new speech writer. I’ll happily volunteer. Long live BRIT!

Got a busy weekend ahead of me – tomorrow night I am going to the Dodger Game with the parentals and GB. Saturday, I’ll be at the UCLA/Arizona game – the last time I went to a football game I literally tumbled down the entire row of stairs and landed facedown in the first bleacher. Needless to say, I wasn’t too anxious to go back, but I couldn’t resist a day of drunken debauchery with some fellow Wildcats. Saturday night I have to work – the Federation is holding our annual comedy night at the brand new Laugh Factory and Comedy Hall of Fame in Long Beach, and I have to be there to deal with press and media. It’ll be okay though – Dane Cook is scheduled to perform! (Cue Greene peeing her pants in excitement).

I’m out. BEAR DOWN BITCHES!

Movin' On Up!

Happy Wednesday, ya’ll! I’m in such a good mood. Let’s get to it!

So this is my very first blog post as a 23 year old woman! The birthday weekend was fun – I got some AMAZING presents from my kind and generous family and friends, including Jimmy Choo sunglasses, a Chan Luu bracelet, new Free City sweats, and a Build-A-Bear (don’t ask.)

Saturday night I celebrated with dinner and drinks at the Belmont with all my friends, which ended in me ordering WAY too many mojitos and having to be taken home around 1:30am. Sunday, which was my actual birthday, I went out to brunch and then shopping in Beverly Hills, where I treated myself to a new Vince leather jacket (AMAZING. CANNOT WAIT FOR IT TO GET COLD HERE IN LA!) I then headed home to the valley, where I joined my parents at Elianna and Sara’s wedding, which was so nice – I’m really glad I went. I had never been to a gay wedding, nor had I ever been to a rabbi’s wedding, and the ceremony (which Elianna wrote herself) was so beautiful and the atmosphere was just so welcoming and accepting of all. Also, the delicious appetizers did not hurt the day either. Monday I hung out with Mommy and went shopping and ended the weekend with a parental-sponsored dinner at Taverna Tony’s in Malibu, where me and some special guest stars stuffed our faces with Greek food, and Greene brought me a Susie Cakes birthday cake! I love you GB! All in all a very pleasant birthday celebration all around.

Speaking of birthdays, on Monday the CW gave me a slightly belated birthday present – the long awaited Gossip Girl premiere! AND IT. WAS. FUCKING. FABULOUS. Literally I cannot even put into words how much I adore Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass. Their chemistry is so fucking hot. Their clothes are so fucking hot. The storylines are so fucking hot. This show is SO FUCKING HOT.

As long as we’re talking about TV (and amazingly ridiculous yet unrealistic shows aimed towards teenagers), I may as well give my opinion on the new 90210 that I watched last night. In a word – fine. Nowhere near as amazing as Gossip Girl, and kind of predictable, but then again, I think I was like 11 years old when the first 90210 came out. It started off kind of slow but got better over the course of the two-hour premiere… I didn’t get many of the inside jokes/references to the first 90210, but I’ll definitely watch next week. If its good, I’ll stick around!

(Side note: I thought the best part of 90210 was Naomi the popular mean girl. Then I realized I think the best part of Gossip Girl is Blair Waldorf, the popular mean girl. And then I realized my favorite movie of all time is… Mean Girls, featuring THE Popular Mean Girl, Regina George. Uh oh. I sense a trend. My mom is not gonna like that psychoanalysis.)

What else is going on around here? Let’s talk about some upcoming trips:
-Homecoming is in less than 7 weeks. F YES!
- Gerrick informed me that she is probably coming to visit in November, and I am planning on going to Dallas for a mini U of A reunion in December, so I’m excited about that :) lots of Gherkin time coming up soon!
- I finally booked my trip to New York with the parentals for Rosh Hashanah! We’re gonna stay in the city for the weekend, then head out to Long Island for temple and Jewishness on Monday. Hopefully I will get to see my NY friends and go out with them in the city along with the Broadway shows and gourmet dining I already have planned :) that’s in three weeks and I can’t wait!

And finally, I saved the best news for last… I’M MOVING!

Yep, Tal and I are packing up the Bodies in Motion on Goshen apartment and heading out – really far… all the way up to Montana Avenue! :) We’re moving to that big beautiful white apartment building right behind Whole Foods and Pinkberry, and we are SO EXCITED!

Things I can’t wait for:
1. buying all new furniture
2. decorating the new apartment
3. living in the same building (literally next door!) as Amanda Baker
4. my own bathTUB
5. a washer/dryer inside our apartment
6. AIR CONDITIONING!!!! FUCKING FINALLY!!!!!

We aren’t moving for another month – middle of October – but we’re planning on throwing a big party as soon as we get settled so all of you can see our new gorgeous place! This has been in the works for a few weeks already (ask me for the full, kind-of-unbelievable-story) and today our application finally got approved – SO EXCITING!

And on that positive happy note, I am off :) hope everyone is enjoying their week!

My Last Post as a 22 Year Old!

Hello friends and fans :)

It’s almost Friday! I am excited for the long weekend. I’ve got lots of fun things planned… because it’s my BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

I’ll fill you in on all the birthday happenings next week when I blog. I’ve got a dinner, a bar night out, a brunch, and a parental-sponsored evening, all to celebrate the big Two Three! I can’t wait!

Anyways, we’ve got other things to discuss. To tell you the truth, I haven’t watched one minute of DNC coverage. It’s surprising – you’d think a die hard liberal like myself would be all over it. I can’t help it, I’m just not in love with Obama. Don’t get me wrong, of course I’m voting for him, but something about him just rubs me the wrong way. It’s weird. I am very happy he chose Joe Biden to be his VP, by the way – I was bummed that he didn’t choose Hillary, but I think an Obama/Biden ticket will be very strong in the end. Now let’s see who the old man chooses!

Today I drove down to Bergamot Station in Santa Monica with Monise and Pam, my friends and co- MOL staff, to see this exhibit of photographs that detail the Nazi’s obsessive records of the Holocaust. This photographer, a Los Angeles based surgeon named Richard Ehrlich, got special permission to tour the archives that house more than 50 million papers documenting the Holocaust and the Nazi’s Final Solution. I urge you to read all about the exhibit in this LA Times article or in this Jewish Journal article.

The exhibit was sickening – the photographs, of course, were beautifully shot, but the subject matter was just horrifying. I have said it before – the Holocaust is the type of thing where the more you know, the less you know, and it really rang true for me while I was looking at these pictures. How can you look at a list of Jewish prisoners who were shot, one by one, every two minutes, in honor of Hitler’s birthday -- how can you look at that list and think you can comprehend the Holocaust?

Before going on the March, I probably would have been interested in this exhibit, but would never have gone. Now that I’ve seen it for myself, I have a compulsion to learn as much as I possibly can about the Holocaust – I read books, study online, and watch documentaries. I am lucky that I have friends in LA who not only understand my need for knowledge about it, but share it as well. If you are reading this and you are ever interested in going to see a Holocaust film or exhibit, please let me know – I am always looking to expand my knowledge on the topic.

I have a new strange obsession – don’t laugh! For some reason, I stumbled upon a collection of blogs on the internet written by young Southern women in their twenties and thirties… and I AM OBSESSED. I read them EVERY DAY. It is so weird – like why do I care about Megan, the twenty-five year old blonde Southern Baptist in Memphis, Tennessee and her obsession with Lily Pulitzer?! Every time I go read one of their blogs, I get sucked in and there goes an hour. I know. I need help. I’m so bizarre.

Speaking of blogs… I am thinking of giving mine a facelift (I got rid of the music – it drove me nuts every time I went on here to update, so I can just imagine how much all of yall hated it! Sorry!) Anyways, I just heard of this person who does custom blog designs – she would design a whole new look for Don’t Fuck With Fabulous, specifically tailored to colors and designs that I like! It sounds so cool, but I know I’ve been slacking lately on keeping up with this, so I’m not gonna let myself do it until I get back into the swing of posting regularly… ie, at least twice a week. So if you see me fucking around on the internet, MAKE me blog, because I really want to get this custom update!

Before I go, I must wish my darling parental units a VERY HAPPY ANNIVERSARY as they celebrate THIRTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE TOGETHER!!!!

My parents are truly the best human beings I know and I am so lucky to have them in my life. I wish them the best anniversary ever and hope the next thirty years will be just as good as the first! I LOVE YOU BOTH!

Well, I am off. The next time I blog I will be 23 years old! :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Seven Fabulous Updates

So, yes. Have not blogged in basically forevs. Cut me some slack, I feel like I've been running around like a Jewish chicken with her head chopped off! This is what I'll do – I'll make a list of everything I've been wanting to talk about lately (with clever titles too!) and just go through it, one by one. Here we go!

My New Boyfriend – ah, not a real one. Calm down Mommy. My new boyfriend and current obsession is.... the one and only Michael Phelps. Granted, a week ago I did not know he existed, but I am proud to announce that I am officially in love with him. To be perfectly honest, I don't even really WATCH the Olympics (sports…far away… President Bush popping in for athletic pep talks… human rights being violated all over the place in China… meh, not my scene) but everywhere I turn the boy is all over the news, CNN.com, even gossip blogs! He is gorgeous and I adore him and want him to be mine. Oh yeah, and the fact that he shattered world records like it was no big thing and has like fourteen hundred gold medals is pretty huge too.

Jennifer Greene Life Update – I am pretty sure Greene set some kind of world record for landing a job. She had literally been in Los Angeles for three days when Talya got her an interview at Seven Jeans for the Marketing Assistant position, which had been vacated that day. Within forty eight hours Greene had gone downtown, interviewed, been offered the job, and had accepted the position. Fabulous – AND she gets free Sevens! I plan on partaking :)

Abandonment – my tiny companion Bailey Janna has left me to return to that land of drunken debauchery and yellow snow, the University of Wisconsin. I feel abandoned. BJ Foumart and I had a wonderful few months together this summer and I miss her (and my f*cking black leather Gucci purse that she jacked) already. I'm counting down the days til I go and pay those crazy Badgers a visit!

Return to the Toose – speaking of drunken debauchery and paying crazy people a visit, I had the opportunity to visit Tucson for a brief 24 hours last weekend. I headed out to the desert to help AEPHI with sorority recruitment – for those of you who don't know what that is, may god have mercy on your soul. It's only my FAVORITE thing in the world – pretty girls bouncing, screaming, singing, dancing, and being fake! (I don't think I have to spell it out that I'm pretty f*cking good at it.) I literally spent fourteen straight hours inside AEPHI watching, helping, and teaching them how to cheer perfectly and my day could not have been more perfect. The sad thing is, I am so not even kidding. Ah, Tucson. I miss you already – see you in TWO MONTHS AND TWO DAYS!

Announce It Already – both of you. That's right, I'm talking to you, old Republican man and young Democrat man. I'm sick of clicking on CNN.com every twelve seconds to see if one of you has made up your mind about a running mate.

Rear Ended (And Not the Good Kind) – ugh, so annoying. Yesterday I was minding my own business in my car, rocking out to some Viva La Vida and chit-chatting with Gherkin on my Bluetooth, when some a-hole hits my car. Blah blah, long story short, we pull over, get out, start inspecting the damage, and I am being relatively pleasant when the guy drops this bomb on me. "It's my fault, I'm sorry. I'm not used to driving this Jaguar – it's brand new. I just sold my Porsche last week." Um, that may have potentially been the snobbiest sentence ever uttered in Beverly Hills. I looked at him and went, "Uh, sorry! Your life sucks!"

The Birthday Girl – ME! IT'S ME! In exactly 10 days, I turn 23 years old. YAY! Presents and birthday cake (ahem, better be from SusieCakes… pay attention Greene). I am planning on celebrating at the Belmont on August 30 and I AM PUMPED!

So that's that. Before I go, I just want to say that some major life changes are in the works. So, DFWF fans, rest assured, because as soon as they start happening, I will definitely give y'all something to talk about!

Adventures with Olive

Here I am, dear DFWF readers. I’ve been off in foreign lands and out and about :) so let’s get to it, shall we?

First things first – Greene is here! YAY! She is living with me for the next two weeks until her apartment is ready. I am so happy she is here and will continue to be happy she is here so long as she keeps her suitcases OUT of my room. (You know how everyone has a thing? Well, my thing is I cannot handle anyone’s suitcases in my room. It’s bizarre. I know.)

So, I know it’s already Wednesday, but I want to post about my weekend! Irritatingly, the weekend got off to an annoying start when, after returning home from the Dodger game on Friday night (the first game featuring Manny Ramirez – Bailey and I had no idea who he was but screamed happily for him everytime he appeared on the field, just like every other Dodger fan there. What can we say, we like being a part of the excitement), it was discovered someone had broken into my dad’s car and stolen his watch, my mom’s sunglasses, and my car keys. Therefore, I have no car nor house keys and have been driving my mom’s car, which I hate. Had to vent about the annoyingness of that, but let’s move on.

We had a super weekend in Vegas – we stayed at the Paris, which shall henceforth be known as “GAY PAREE” – Bailey and I walked around the entire hotel speaking in French accents and annoying the parentals. Now that I’m thinking about it, we seriously did have a very fun time hanging out, shopping, eating, and gambling. When we got there, the parentals took us to Mon Ami Gabi inside Paris for lunch, which we loved and Bailey got the first of what would be six ahi tuna salads over the next four days. Saturday night we tried Aquaknox for the first time (it’s a seafood restaurant in the Venetian) and saw Jersey Boys, which was phenomenal, as usual. On Sunday, we had lunch at Todd English’s Olives inside the Bellagio, where Bailey decided her new nickname was going to be Bailey Olive. She also hid a note underneath a pillar outside the Bellagio Prada store for her friend Mike to find next week when he comes to Vegas, even though I patiently pointed out that the Bellagio employs a staff of about six thousand people, one of whom will surely find and remove said note before he gets there. We shopped at Fashion Show Mall and had dinner at the always-amazing Craftsteak inside the MGM on Sunday night, and on Monday we did a little tour through the Forum Shops and had lunch at Daddy’s fave the Palm before sadly leaving the Veg and its 108 degree weather.

I did not mention the best part, however…

I WON $450 BUCKS ON A PENNY SLOT! Hot Hot Penny is THE BEST slot machine ever, ANDDDDDD so is Go Fish (I can just SEE Julie and Anna nodding in agreement as they read this). It was AMAZING – I NEVER leave Vegas with money in my pocket!

What else is new… last night the Silverman family reunited with the Rubenstein family, who are in Huntington Beach on a fam vacay… we drove down to our Newport house for the night to have dinner there with them and it was super fun! Greene and Anna came too, so it was a mini Arizona reunion… we love when that happens!

Other news:
- Jeremy got a PUPPY! His name is Duncan Mandel and he is a baby golden retriever and he is super cute. Apparently he barks all the time and doesn’t let Jeremy sleep. I am glad for once someone else is causing him grief besides me.

- If you have not seen the People magazine with the Jolie-Pitt twins on the cover, go out and buy it right now, NOT for the photos of the newborn babies, but instead for the photo of one Miss Shiloh Jolie-Pitt holding her new baby sister. After seeing this photograph, Shiloh is now officially on my list of top three most adorable celebrity babies (her counterparts include Violet Affleck and Suri Cruise). Seriously, could this kid BE any cuter?

- I will be SO lonely the next few weeks at work – my boss is out on maternity leave, David is on his book tour on the east coast, and Mitch is going on vacation next week! I am all alone in my corner of the office :( thank god Jessie and Teddy are back from staffing their Birthright trip… for a while there I think I was the only staff-member in her twenties in the entire building.

- Homecoming is less than 3 months away! I know that that’s a ridiculously long time, but I am ridiculously excited. Expect frequent countdowns and updates as the weekend draws nearer… yesterday Anna, Greene, and I may or may not have planned out all our meals in advance… yes, we know we are sick. We don’t care – BEYOND BREAD here we come!

I am heading back to Newport again on Friday… Bailey Olive is really tan (because she does NOTHING all day except lay on the beach = hard life), and I am extremely jealous, so I am planning on doing nothing but sleeping on the sand for the entire weekend.

Will blog again soon. Until then, stay classy, Los Angeles :)

An Earth Shaking Blog Post

So I have not blogged in a while because lately, I feel like life has been fairly quiet and even a little bit boring. Unfortunately, when I tried to use this excuse on a few people who asked why I haven’t been blogging, I was immediately told to shut up and get to work*, so here we go!

Today LA was hit by a fairly large 5.8 earthquake. I was at work when it happened around 11:45am, and at first, I didn’t even look up. The Federation building was swaying pretty hard, though, so I did get up and climb into the nearest doorframe. David, who I work with, is from Philadelphia, and came flying out of his office at a hundred miles an hour.

“What are you doing? Why are you in the doorway?” He was freaking out. I explained to him that that’s just what you do during an earthquake – if you’re near a doorframe, you stand in it, because buildings can collapse, but doorframes are built into the foundation. I then explained some other earthquake rules that we natives of southern California know, such as Thou Shall Not Sleep Underneath Windows or Thou Shall Bolt The Shit You Don’t Want Breaking to Your Walls.

I also realized that I know quite a few people who are new in California who have yet to experience an earthquake, including Anna, Erez, Ross, Talya, etc…. so I gave everyone a ring and welcomed them to the SOE Club (Survivors of Earthquakes Club). Then I called Greene and scared her for a while – she better prepare herself for some shaking!

So what else is new in the life of JMRS? Let’s see. Rabbi Rothblum (love of my life) asked me to speak at Yom Kippur services in October about my experiences on the March (basically I am a one woman publicity machine for the March), after which he will give the pitch for the Masorti movement and why people should buy Israel bonds. I am honored to have been asked – hundreds of people come to temple on High Holidays who usually don’t come to temple and who also might not know about the March… I hope I reach people who otherwise wouldn’t have known anything about this essential program.

I have also recently decided to venture into the world of investing and buying stocks… this past weekend, I was shopping with my mom and begged her to buy me this amazing discounted (but still not cheap) Marc Jacobs clutch. She refused, and I STUPIDLY said something along the lines of, “FINE! I will buy it myself!” This, of course, led immediately into her questioning me in the middle of Saks Fifth Avenue exactly how I could afford that… which led to her demanding to know how much money I have saved… which led to her making me tell my dad how much I have in my savings account… which led into him lecturing me on how I need to put my money in places other than my bank account, such as something called a CD (which apparently does not have anything to do with music) or in stocks.

I picked stocks, because two of the people I chat most regularly with (former DFWF contributors Jacob Cullen and Jeremy David) are like head over heels in love with the stock market and since I already have to hear about it from them all the time anyways, I might as well learn some stuff and pick up tips while I’m at it.

I gave Jake the list of things that I want to invest in things I want to invest in: Broadway musicals, food, and shoes. He turned this list into the following: JC Penney and Buffalo Wild Wings… somehow that was not what I was thinking. Jeremy suggested some other stuff, like Apple and a bank, but I forget which one. Starbucks was vetoed by both, which makes me sad. I like to go to Starbucks so that when I buy things I am improving my dad’s stocks options. (That sentence may not have made any sense... I'm kind of just throwing out terms I've heard. Stop me if I stumble upon one that actually makes sense.)

I hope this investing thing turns out better than when I was into football picks for about twenty minutes. I seem to recall I kind of sucked at that, and I will be intensely furious if I suck at this – real money is at stake! Marc Jacobs clutches are at stake!

Anywho, this weekend I am off to Vegas with the fam :) a little weekend trip before BayGay goes back to school and the Magnificent Sisterly Duo is parted once again. We are seeing Jersey Boys and eating at Craftsteak… what could be better?

I know what could be better… when I return from Vegas, my GREENE BEAN will be here in LA… FOR GOOD!!!!

*also a line from my favorite porn… a little bonus nugget of information for all of you who read to the end!

The Most Beautiful Wedding Dress in the World

This, my friends, is the MOST beautiful wedding dress in the world. It is Vera Wang, it is probably $47,000, and I WILL get married in it!

That's all for now -- just popping in to show you all. I couldn't resist! More blogging tomorrow or the next day, I promise. And for those of you are curious WHY or HOW I stumbled upon this online... let's just say I'm the only person in the universe who isn't engaged or getting married... wedding websites are my new best friend. Cool, right? NOT.

CIAO!

WONDERFUL NEWS!

So, I have known about this for a while, but didn't want to post it or make a big deal about it til it was final...

GREENE IS MOVING TO LA!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my best friend Jennifer Leigh Greene is officially moving to Los Angeles! She lined up an apartment to sublet for a few months while she looks for a job and a more permanent place to live, is shipping her car out and flying out here in the beginning of August, and TODAY she changed her facebook network from Houston to Los Angeles!

JenLeigh34: i like how as much as i told you about my plans to move, like actually agreeing to sublet an apt and applying for jobs, not until i change my FACEBOOK network did you really think it was happening lol

I am SO excited -- Greene and I have SO much fun together and I can't wait for all of our LA adventures to begin. I can't wait to shop, eat, drink, play, and do one other thing we seem to do quite often together... DANCE!

Music to Your Ears -- In More Ways Than One!

If you’re reading this and have ears, you can automatically tell the new feature that I’ve added to the blog – MUSIC! I’ve added a list of songs that I personally adore and hope you will enjoy listening to them as well :) I think it’s pretty cool – if you don’t like it, want to switch songs, or turn it off, just scroll down to the little player and do what you need to do. I saw this on someone else’s blog and Jacob magically found me the website so I could add it to my own personal blog, and I am very happy about it! Thank you Jake!

It’s only Monday and I’m already excited for Friday –Federation Movie Day! Apparently every summer, the Federation gives all its employees the day off from work and takes everyone to see a major summer blockbuster. I LOVE IT! Free Swedish Fish, a diet coke, and people dancing around singing Dancing Queen – the Jordan Silverman recipe for success. Nothing could make me happier.

So I had a pretty nice weekend. Friday night me and some special guest stars headed off for an evening at Air Conditioned, the club in Venice. It was mildly entertaining – I got drunk off $5 well drinks and Talya took pictures of me while I was peeing. Rest assured those will NOT be posted online. Saturday involved a delicious brunch at NY Bagel Co and then various beauty-related errands in the val, capped off by dinner at The Hungry Cat in Hollywood. I ate the most delicious shrimp ever – I can’t wait to go back.

Then yesterday I roused myself at the ungodly Sunday morning hour of 8:30, got dressed, and drove off to Oxnard to watch my dear friend Tali get married! I have known Tali since we were five years old – I can’t believe she is married now! The wedding was beautiful – the ceremony was held outdoors overlooking the beach, which is perfect for Tali and her husband William because they are totally beachy and outdoorsy. I wore my new FUCKING FABULOUS dress and cried when she walked down the aisle. The reception was very cute and again, very them – they had a reggae band! I’m not going to lie, reggae is hard to dance to and I’m fairly sure I looked stupid but I did have fun with my pals. The only bad part of the afternoon? I did NOT catch the bouquet. One crazy person I’d like to identify as MISS NATALIE QUINONES got a little too excited and smooshed me off to the side so she could catch it! Very upsetting.

Speaking of weddings, in a few minutes I am heading off to dinner with Miss Wendy Gordon, where I will admire her new engagement ring! We will be eating at what Ellana fondly refers to as the “punch me in the face sushi restaurant,” for the time that she promised I would not get food poisoning there, and if I did, I could punch her in the face.

Anyways, before I go, we have something of vast importance to discuss. While fucking around on the computer, I stumbled upon the American Idol website, and realized something – tryouts for the 8th season of American Idol begin THIS WEEK!

Should I try out!?

Let me be straight – in no way do I think that I will be crowned the season 8 winner. I like to sing, and I like to think I have a decent voice, but I harbor no illusions that I am the next Celine Dion. That being said, I REALLY WANT TO TRY OUT! I think it would be so fun, and I LOVE reality TV, and I would absolutely DIE if my audition ended up on TV… how hilarious would that be?

In short, I need to make a decision, and I need to make one FAST. If I decide to go ahead with this, I think I’ll fly to Phoenix and try out there NEXT FRIDAY!

I am welcoming any and all comments and suggestions. If you’ve never posted a comment here, NOW IS THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4th of July -- Not a Holiday for Jews

So I recently returned from a long weekend spent in Newport at the beach house, and I have an announcement to make.

July 4th? Not a holiday for Jews. ESPECIALLY if you plan to celebrate in Newport Beach on Balboa Boulevard. I’ve never seen anything like it – thousands of people congregate on the beach and on beach house patios, drinking, screaming, and partying into the wee hours of the night. Extremely fun, yes, but also extremely overwhelming. I am fairly certain that they close the streets leading to the beach and you are not allowed in unless you are any combination of the following:
- blond
- tan
- not Jewish
- an alcoholic

Bailey and I discussed this while taking a dip in the ocean. (Some of you may know that I profess to hate the beach, as I abhor being dirty or sandy and I am scared of the ocean because I don’t like not seeing what I am stepping in. However, for some reason none of these things apply when I am in Newport. At first, I run back and forth on the sand screaming until I finally am persuaded to get INTO the water, but then you cannot get me out. I swim and dive into the waves fearlessly like a champ. Bailey calls me a mermaid.)

Anyway, there we were, shivering in the ocean like the pale brunettes we are, wearing our shiny black bathing suits, staring enviously at the tan blonde Abercrombie goys wearing skimpy scraps of fabric and romping about in the water, and discussing how clearly out of place we were, when we realized that July 4th is really not for Jewish people.

July 4th is about the three Bs -- barbequing, beer, and blowing shit up. And let’s be honest here – Jews don’t really do that. We burn the things we barbeque, we vomit if we drink too much beer, and we do not like the loud noises that come when you blow shit up. Am I wrong? Maybe that’s just us. Maybe it’s just the Silverman family (and by extension, the many Jews who flock to see us) who really have no business being there. In case you did not know, we are not blond or tan, nor do we have drinking problems (well, my mother does enjoy her Red Roosters a little too much, but that’s a whole other story).

So I guess I’ll look at it this way -- 4th of July is the one day a year that we Jews partake in these decidedly non-Jewy activities. I can get down with that.

All in all, the weekend was extremely fun – partiers included the Milgroms, the Fields, the Mayos, the Safenowitzes, Tina, Talya, and my friend David from work (who brought his wife and tiny baby). Unexpected Special Guest Stars included Darren, David Shapiro, Staypuft, Mike Barber, and Brandon Cohen. (Yes, I still can’t even believe it myself. Inquire within for more details on that.)

Hot dogs were grilled, punch was served, and Gary Silverman learned how to play both Beer Pong and Flip Cup. Rest assured, he was a champ at both. He also flexed some impressive muscle the THREE times our patio was infiltrated by extremely drunk individuals wanting to either a) hang out, b) drink our liquor, or c) use our bathroom. Very impressive Daddy. Nicely done.

Quote of the weekend from one Mr. Jeff Safenowitz:
Me: “You’re virgins who can’t drive.”
Jeff: “Hey! We can drive.”

Bahahaha. Anywho, I hope everyone had a super swell 4th of July weekend as well. I promise to try and blog more often so people will stop yelling at me. I am off to eat imitation creamed spinach and blowdry my hair. Happy Monday, yall!