My Last Post as a 22 Year Old!

Hello friends and fans :)

It’s almost Friday! I am excited for the long weekend. I’ve got lots of fun things planned… because it’s my BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

I’ll fill you in on all the birthday happenings next week when I blog. I’ve got a dinner, a bar night out, a brunch, and a parental-sponsored evening, all to celebrate the big Two Three! I can’t wait!

Anyways, we’ve got other things to discuss. To tell you the truth, I haven’t watched one minute of DNC coverage. It’s surprising – you’d think a die hard liberal like myself would be all over it. I can’t help it, I’m just not in love with Obama. Don’t get me wrong, of course I’m voting for him, but something about him just rubs me the wrong way. It’s weird. I am very happy he chose Joe Biden to be his VP, by the way – I was bummed that he didn’t choose Hillary, but I think an Obama/Biden ticket will be very strong in the end. Now let’s see who the old man chooses!

Today I drove down to Bergamot Station in Santa Monica with Monise and Pam, my friends and co- MOL staff, to see this exhibit of photographs that detail the Nazi’s obsessive records of the Holocaust. This photographer, a Los Angeles based surgeon named Richard Ehrlich, got special permission to tour the archives that house more than 50 million papers documenting the Holocaust and the Nazi’s Final Solution. I urge you to read all about the exhibit in this LA Times article or in this Jewish Journal article.

The exhibit was sickening – the photographs, of course, were beautifully shot, but the subject matter was just horrifying. I have said it before – the Holocaust is the type of thing where the more you know, the less you know, and it really rang true for me while I was looking at these pictures. How can you look at a list of Jewish prisoners who were shot, one by one, every two minutes, in honor of Hitler’s birthday -- how can you look at that list and think you can comprehend the Holocaust?

Before going on the March, I probably would have been interested in this exhibit, but would never have gone. Now that I’ve seen it for myself, I have a compulsion to learn as much as I possibly can about the Holocaust – I read books, study online, and watch documentaries. I am lucky that I have friends in LA who not only understand my need for knowledge about it, but share it as well. If you are reading this and you are ever interested in going to see a Holocaust film or exhibit, please let me know – I am always looking to expand my knowledge on the topic.

I have a new strange obsession – don’t laugh! For some reason, I stumbled upon a collection of blogs on the internet written by young Southern women in their twenties and thirties… and I AM OBSESSED. I read them EVERY DAY. It is so weird – like why do I care about Megan, the twenty-five year old blonde Southern Baptist in Memphis, Tennessee and her obsession with Lily Pulitzer?! Every time I go read one of their blogs, I get sucked in and there goes an hour. I know. I need help. I’m so bizarre.

Speaking of blogs… I am thinking of giving mine a facelift (I got rid of the music – it drove me nuts every time I went on here to update, so I can just imagine how much all of yall hated it! Sorry!) Anyways, I just heard of this person who does custom blog designs – she would design a whole new look for Don’t Fuck With Fabulous, specifically tailored to colors and designs that I like! It sounds so cool, but I know I’ve been slacking lately on keeping up with this, so I’m not gonna let myself do it until I get back into the swing of posting regularly… ie, at least twice a week. So if you see me fucking around on the internet, MAKE me blog, because I really want to get this custom update!

Before I go, I must wish my darling parental units a VERY HAPPY ANNIVERSARY as they celebrate THIRTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE TOGETHER!!!!

My parents are truly the best human beings I know and I am so lucky to have them in my life. I wish them the best anniversary ever and hope the next thirty years will be just as good as the first! I LOVE YOU BOTH!

Well, I am off. The next time I blog I will be 23 years old! :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Seven Fabulous Updates

So, yes. Have not blogged in basically forevs. Cut me some slack, I feel like I've been running around like a Jewish chicken with her head chopped off! This is what I'll do – I'll make a list of everything I've been wanting to talk about lately (with clever titles too!) and just go through it, one by one. Here we go!

My New Boyfriend – ah, not a real one. Calm down Mommy. My new boyfriend and current obsession is.... the one and only Michael Phelps. Granted, a week ago I did not know he existed, but I am proud to announce that I am officially in love with him. To be perfectly honest, I don't even really WATCH the Olympics (sports…far away… President Bush popping in for athletic pep talks… human rights being violated all over the place in China… meh, not my scene) but everywhere I turn the boy is all over the news, CNN.com, even gossip blogs! He is gorgeous and I adore him and want him to be mine. Oh yeah, and the fact that he shattered world records like it was no big thing and has like fourteen hundred gold medals is pretty huge too.

Jennifer Greene Life Update – I am pretty sure Greene set some kind of world record for landing a job. She had literally been in Los Angeles for three days when Talya got her an interview at Seven Jeans for the Marketing Assistant position, which had been vacated that day. Within forty eight hours Greene had gone downtown, interviewed, been offered the job, and had accepted the position. Fabulous – AND she gets free Sevens! I plan on partaking :)

Abandonment – my tiny companion Bailey Janna has left me to return to that land of drunken debauchery and yellow snow, the University of Wisconsin. I feel abandoned. BJ Foumart and I had a wonderful few months together this summer and I miss her (and my f*cking black leather Gucci purse that she jacked) already. I'm counting down the days til I go and pay those crazy Badgers a visit!

Return to the Toose – speaking of drunken debauchery and paying crazy people a visit, I had the opportunity to visit Tucson for a brief 24 hours last weekend. I headed out to the desert to help AEPHI with sorority recruitment – for those of you who don't know what that is, may god have mercy on your soul. It's only my FAVORITE thing in the world – pretty girls bouncing, screaming, singing, dancing, and being fake! (I don't think I have to spell it out that I'm pretty f*cking good at it.) I literally spent fourteen straight hours inside AEPHI watching, helping, and teaching them how to cheer perfectly and my day could not have been more perfect. The sad thing is, I am so not even kidding. Ah, Tucson. I miss you already – see you in TWO MONTHS AND TWO DAYS!

Announce It Already – both of you. That's right, I'm talking to you, old Republican man and young Democrat man. I'm sick of clicking on CNN.com every twelve seconds to see if one of you has made up your mind about a running mate.

Rear Ended (And Not the Good Kind) – ugh, so annoying. Yesterday I was minding my own business in my car, rocking out to some Viva La Vida and chit-chatting with Gherkin on my Bluetooth, when some a-hole hits my car. Blah blah, long story short, we pull over, get out, start inspecting the damage, and I am being relatively pleasant when the guy drops this bomb on me. "It's my fault, I'm sorry. I'm not used to driving this Jaguar – it's brand new. I just sold my Porsche last week." Um, that may have potentially been the snobbiest sentence ever uttered in Beverly Hills. I looked at him and went, "Uh, sorry! Your life sucks!"

The Birthday Girl – ME! IT'S ME! In exactly 10 days, I turn 23 years old. YAY! Presents and birthday cake (ahem, better be from SusieCakes… pay attention Greene). I am planning on celebrating at the Belmont on August 30 and I AM PUMPED!

So that's that. Before I go, I just want to say that some major life changes are in the works. So, DFWF fans, rest assured, because as soon as they start happening, I will definitely give y'all something to talk about!

Adventures with Olive

Here I am, dear DFWF readers. I’ve been off in foreign lands and out and about :) so let’s get to it, shall we?

First things first – Greene is here! YAY! She is living with me for the next two weeks until her apartment is ready. I am so happy she is here and will continue to be happy she is here so long as she keeps her suitcases OUT of my room. (You know how everyone has a thing? Well, my thing is I cannot handle anyone’s suitcases in my room. It’s bizarre. I know.)

So, I know it’s already Wednesday, but I want to post about my weekend! Irritatingly, the weekend got off to an annoying start when, after returning home from the Dodger game on Friday night (the first game featuring Manny Ramirez – Bailey and I had no idea who he was but screamed happily for him everytime he appeared on the field, just like every other Dodger fan there. What can we say, we like being a part of the excitement), it was discovered someone had broken into my dad’s car and stolen his watch, my mom’s sunglasses, and my car keys. Therefore, I have no car nor house keys and have been driving my mom’s car, which I hate. Had to vent about the annoyingness of that, but let’s move on.

We had a super weekend in Vegas – we stayed at the Paris, which shall henceforth be known as “GAY PAREE” – Bailey and I walked around the entire hotel speaking in French accents and annoying the parentals. Now that I’m thinking about it, we seriously did have a very fun time hanging out, shopping, eating, and gambling. When we got there, the parentals took us to Mon Ami Gabi inside Paris for lunch, which we loved and Bailey got the first of what would be six ahi tuna salads over the next four days. Saturday night we tried Aquaknox for the first time (it’s a seafood restaurant in the Venetian) and saw Jersey Boys, which was phenomenal, as usual. On Sunday, we had lunch at Todd English’s Olives inside the Bellagio, where Bailey decided her new nickname was going to be Bailey Olive. She also hid a note underneath a pillar outside the Bellagio Prada store for her friend Mike to find next week when he comes to Vegas, even though I patiently pointed out that the Bellagio employs a staff of about six thousand people, one of whom will surely find and remove said note before he gets there. We shopped at Fashion Show Mall and had dinner at the always-amazing Craftsteak inside the MGM on Sunday night, and on Monday we did a little tour through the Forum Shops and had lunch at Daddy’s fave the Palm before sadly leaving the Veg and its 108 degree weather.

I did not mention the best part, however…

I WON $450 BUCKS ON A PENNY SLOT! Hot Hot Penny is THE BEST slot machine ever, ANDDDDDD so is Go Fish (I can just SEE Julie and Anna nodding in agreement as they read this). It was AMAZING – I NEVER leave Vegas with money in my pocket!

What else is new… last night the Silverman family reunited with the Rubenstein family, who are in Huntington Beach on a fam vacay… we drove down to our Newport house for the night to have dinner there with them and it was super fun! Greene and Anna came too, so it was a mini Arizona reunion… we love when that happens!

Other news:
- Jeremy got a PUPPY! His name is Duncan Mandel and he is a baby golden retriever and he is super cute. Apparently he barks all the time and doesn’t let Jeremy sleep. I am glad for once someone else is causing him grief besides me.

- If you have not seen the People magazine with the Jolie-Pitt twins on the cover, go out and buy it right now, NOT for the photos of the newborn babies, but instead for the photo of one Miss Shiloh Jolie-Pitt holding her new baby sister. After seeing this photograph, Shiloh is now officially on my list of top three most adorable celebrity babies (her counterparts include Violet Affleck and Suri Cruise). Seriously, could this kid BE any cuter?

- I will be SO lonely the next few weeks at work – my boss is out on maternity leave, David is on his book tour on the east coast, and Mitch is going on vacation next week! I am all alone in my corner of the office :( thank god Jessie and Teddy are back from staffing their Birthright trip… for a while there I think I was the only staff-member in her twenties in the entire building.

- Homecoming is less than 3 months away! I know that that’s a ridiculously long time, but I am ridiculously excited. Expect frequent countdowns and updates as the weekend draws nearer… yesterday Anna, Greene, and I may or may not have planned out all our meals in advance… yes, we know we are sick. We don’t care – BEYOND BREAD here we come!

I am heading back to Newport again on Friday… Bailey Olive is really tan (because she does NOTHING all day except lay on the beach = hard life), and I am extremely jealous, so I am planning on doing nothing but sleeping on the sand for the entire weekend.

Will blog again soon. Until then, stay classy, Los Angeles :)

An Earth Shaking Blog Post

So I have not blogged in a while because lately, I feel like life has been fairly quiet and even a little bit boring. Unfortunately, when I tried to use this excuse on a few people who asked why I haven’t been blogging, I was immediately told to shut up and get to work*, so here we go!

Today LA was hit by a fairly large 5.8 earthquake. I was at work when it happened around 11:45am, and at first, I didn’t even look up. The Federation building was swaying pretty hard, though, so I did get up and climb into the nearest doorframe. David, who I work with, is from Philadelphia, and came flying out of his office at a hundred miles an hour.

“What are you doing? Why are you in the doorway?” He was freaking out. I explained to him that that’s just what you do during an earthquake – if you’re near a doorframe, you stand in it, because buildings can collapse, but doorframes are built into the foundation. I then explained some other earthquake rules that we natives of southern California know, such as Thou Shall Not Sleep Underneath Windows or Thou Shall Bolt The Shit You Don’t Want Breaking to Your Walls.

I also realized that I know quite a few people who are new in California who have yet to experience an earthquake, including Anna, Erez, Ross, Talya, etc…. so I gave everyone a ring and welcomed them to the SOE Club (Survivors of Earthquakes Club). Then I called Greene and scared her for a while – she better prepare herself for some shaking!

So what else is new in the life of JMRS? Let’s see. Rabbi Rothblum (love of my life) asked me to speak at Yom Kippur services in October about my experiences on the March (basically I am a one woman publicity machine for the March), after which he will give the pitch for the Masorti movement and why people should buy Israel bonds. I am honored to have been asked – hundreds of people come to temple on High Holidays who usually don’t come to temple and who also might not know about the March… I hope I reach people who otherwise wouldn’t have known anything about this essential program.

I have also recently decided to venture into the world of investing and buying stocks… this past weekend, I was shopping with my mom and begged her to buy me this amazing discounted (but still not cheap) Marc Jacobs clutch. She refused, and I STUPIDLY said something along the lines of, “FINE! I will buy it myself!” This, of course, led immediately into her questioning me in the middle of Saks Fifth Avenue exactly how I could afford that… which led to her demanding to know how much money I have saved… which led to her making me tell my dad how much I have in my savings account… which led into him lecturing me on how I need to put my money in places other than my bank account, such as something called a CD (which apparently does not have anything to do with music) or in stocks.

I picked stocks, because two of the people I chat most regularly with (former DFWF contributors Jacob Cullen and Jeremy David) are like head over heels in love with the stock market and since I already have to hear about it from them all the time anyways, I might as well learn some stuff and pick up tips while I’m at it.

I gave Jake the list of things that I want to invest in things I want to invest in: Broadway musicals, food, and shoes. He turned this list into the following: JC Penney and Buffalo Wild Wings… somehow that was not what I was thinking. Jeremy suggested some other stuff, like Apple and a bank, but I forget which one. Starbucks was vetoed by both, which makes me sad. I like to go to Starbucks so that when I buy things I am improving my dad’s stocks options. (That sentence may not have made any sense... I'm kind of just throwing out terms I've heard. Stop me if I stumble upon one that actually makes sense.)

I hope this investing thing turns out better than when I was into football picks for about twenty minutes. I seem to recall I kind of sucked at that, and I will be intensely furious if I suck at this – real money is at stake! Marc Jacobs clutches are at stake!

Anywho, this weekend I am off to Vegas with the fam :) a little weekend trip before BayGay goes back to school and the Magnificent Sisterly Duo is parted once again. We are seeing Jersey Boys and eating at Craftsteak… what could be better?

I know what could be better… when I return from Vegas, my GREENE BEAN will be here in LA… FOR GOOD!!!!

*also a line from my favorite porn… a little bonus nugget of information for all of you who read to the end!

The Most Beautiful Wedding Dress in the World

This, my friends, is the MOST beautiful wedding dress in the world. It is Vera Wang, it is probably $47,000, and I WILL get married in it!

That's all for now -- just popping in to show you all. I couldn't resist! More blogging tomorrow or the next day, I promise. And for those of you are curious WHY or HOW I stumbled upon this online... let's just say I'm the only person in the universe who isn't engaged or getting married... wedding websites are my new best friend. Cool, right? NOT.

CIAO!

WONDERFUL NEWS!

So, I have known about this for a while, but didn't want to post it or make a big deal about it til it was final...

GREENE IS MOVING TO LA!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my best friend Jennifer Leigh Greene is officially moving to Los Angeles! She lined up an apartment to sublet for a few months while she looks for a job and a more permanent place to live, is shipping her car out and flying out here in the beginning of August, and TODAY she changed her facebook network from Houston to Los Angeles!

JenLeigh34: i like how as much as i told you about my plans to move, like actually agreeing to sublet an apt and applying for jobs, not until i change my FACEBOOK network did you really think it was happening lol

I am SO excited -- Greene and I have SO much fun together and I can't wait for all of our LA adventures to begin. I can't wait to shop, eat, drink, play, and do one other thing we seem to do quite often together... DANCE!

Music to Your Ears -- In More Ways Than One!

If you’re reading this and have ears, you can automatically tell the new feature that I’ve added to the blog – MUSIC! I’ve added a list of songs that I personally adore and hope you will enjoy listening to them as well :) I think it’s pretty cool – if you don’t like it, want to switch songs, or turn it off, just scroll down to the little player and do what you need to do. I saw this on someone else’s blog and Jacob magically found me the website so I could add it to my own personal blog, and I am very happy about it! Thank you Jake!

It’s only Monday and I’m already excited for Friday –Federation Movie Day! Apparently every summer, the Federation gives all its employees the day off from work and takes everyone to see a major summer blockbuster. I LOVE IT! Free Swedish Fish, a diet coke, and people dancing around singing Dancing Queen – the Jordan Silverman recipe for success. Nothing could make me happier.

So I had a pretty nice weekend. Friday night me and some special guest stars headed off for an evening at Air Conditioned, the club in Venice. It was mildly entertaining – I got drunk off $5 well drinks and Talya took pictures of me while I was peeing. Rest assured those will NOT be posted online. Saturday involved a delicious brunch at NY Bagel Co and then various beauty-related errands in the val, capped off by dinner at The Hungry Cat in Hollywood. I ate the most delicious shrimp ever – I can’t wait to go back.

Then yesterday I roused myself at the ungodly Sunday morning hour of 8:30, got dressed, and drove off to Oxnard to watch my dear friend Tali get married! I have known Tali since we were five years old – I can’t believe she is married now! The wedding was beautiful – the ceremony was held outdoors overlooking the beach, which is perfect for Tali and her husband William because they are totally beachy and outdoorsy. I wore my new FUCKING FABULOUS dress and cried when she walked down the aisle. The reception was very cute and again, very them – they had a reggae band! I’m not going to lie, reggae is hard to dance to and I’m fairly sure I looked stupid but I did have fun with my pals. The only bad part of the afternoon? I did NOT catch the bouquet. One crazy person I’d like to identify as MISS NATALIE QUINONES got a little too excited and smooshed me off to the side so she could catch it! Very upsetting.

Speaking of weddings, in a few minutes I am heading off to dinner with Miss Wendy Gordon, where I will admire her new engagement ring! We will be eating at what Ellana fondly refers to as the “punch me in the face sushi restaurant,” for the time that she promised I would not get food poisoning there, and if I did, I could punch her in the face.

Anyways, before I go, we have something of vast importance to discuss. While fucking around on the computer, I stumbled upon the American Idol website, and realized something – tryouts for the 8th season of American Idol begin THIS WEEK!

Should I try out!?

Let me be straight – in no way do I think that I will be crowned the season 8 winner. I like to sing, and I like to think I have a decent voice, but I harbor no illusions that I am the next Celine Dion. That being said, I REALLY WANT TO TRY OUT! I think it would be so fun, and I LOVE reality TV, and I would absolutely DIE if my audition ended up on TV… how hilarious would that be?

In short, I need to make a decision, and I need to make one FAST. If I decide to go ahead with this, I think I’ll fly to Phoenix and try out there NEXT FRIDAY!

I am welcoming any and all comments and suggestions. If you’ve never posted a comment here, NOW IS THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4th of July -- Not a Holiday for Jews

So I recently returned from a long weekend spent in Newport at the beach house, and I have an announcement to make.

July 4th? Not a holiday for Jews. ESPECIALLY if you plan to celebrate in Newport Beach on Balboa Boulevard. I’ve never seen anything like it – thousands of people congregate on the beach and on beach house patios, drinking, screaming, and partying into the wee hours of the night. Extremely fun, yes, but also extremely overwhelming. I am fairly certain that they close the streets leading to the beach and you are not allowed in unless you are any combination of the following:
- blond
- tan
- not Jewish
- an alcoholic

Bailey and I discussed this while taking a dip in the ocean. (Some of you may know that I profess to hate the beach, as I abhor being dirty or sandy and I am scared of the ocean because I don’t like not seeing what I am stepping in. However, for some reason none of these things apply when I am in Newport. At first, I run back and forth on the sand screaming until I finally am persuaded to get INTO the water, but then you cannot get me out. I swim and dive into the waves fearlessly like a champ. Bailey calls me a mermaid.)

Anyway, there we were, shivering in the ocean like the pale brunettes we are, wearing our shiny black bathing suits, staring enviously at the tan blonde Abercrombie goys wearing skimpy scraps of fabric and romping about in the water, and discussing how clearly out of place we were, when we realized that July 4th is really not for Jewish people.

July 4th is about the three Bs -- barbequing, beer, and blowing shit up. And let’s be honest here – Jews don’t really do that. We burn the things we barbeque, we vomit if we drink too much beer, and we do not like the loud noises that come when you blow shit up. Am I wrong? Maybe that’s just us. Maybe it’s just the Silverman family (and by extension, the many Jews who flock to see us) who really have no business being there. In case you did not know, we are not blond or tan, nor do we have drinking problems (well, my mother does enjoy her Red Roosters a little too much, but that’s a whole other story).

So I guess I’ll look at it this way -- 4th of July is the one day a year that we Jews partake in these decidedly non-Jewy activities. I can get down with that.

All in all, the weekend was extremely fun – partiers included the Milgroms, the Fields, the Mayos, the Safenowitzes, Tina, Talya, and my friend David from work (who brought his wife and tiny baby). Unexpected Special Guest Stars included Darren, David Shapiro, Staypuft, Mike Barber, and Brandon Cohen. (Yes, I still can’t even believe it myself. Inquire within for more details on that.)

Hot dogs were grilled, punch was served, and Gary Silverman learned how to play both Beer Pong and Flip Cup. Rest assured, he was a champ at both. He also flexed some impressive muscle the THREE times our patio was infiltrated by extremely drunk individuals wanting to either a) hang out, b) drink our liquor, or c) use our bathroom. Very impressive Daddy. Nicely done.

Quote of the weekend from one Mr. Jeff Safenowitz:
Me: “You’re virgins who can’t drive.”
Jeff: “Hey! We can drive.”

Bahahaha. Anywho, I hope everyone had a super swell 4th of July weekend as well. I promise to try and blog more often so people will stop yelling at me. I am off to eat imitation creamed spinach and blowdry my hair. Happy Monday, yall!

A Tale of Rabbis, Las Vegas, and Potential Salmonella

So I spent the weekend in Vegas, with Julie, Greene, Liz and Varadi, and it was super fun. Along with the usual eating, gambling, shopping (I bought a new hot pink wallet and a SICK black cashmere sweater at Barneys, among other things), we also drank and danced QUITE a bit. Varadi had a hookup that got us VIP into Tryst (in the Wynn) and Tao (at the Venetian), so we cut every line and didn’t pay cover once. I also left with more than $200 of winnings, which, compared to my usual haul of ZERO POINT ZERO, is pretty freaking awesome.

What was not freaking awesome was the weather in Vegas, which I estimate to have been a breezy 158 degrees. Greene described it best – “I feel like wherever I go, there is a heater DIRECTLY ON ME.” We also met quite a few interesting chaps (I say chaps because they were indeed British and many an interesting snog was had by some… or most…) as well as two hilarious creatures named Matt and CJ who taught us THE BEST GAME. I can’t explain it online because it’s too complicated but the next time you see me, just ask and I’ll totally bust it out. It is almost as good as Lightening Round. See! You’re excited already.

Viva Las Vegas, ya’ll. I can’t wait to go back.

Yesterday was Mommy’s UN-stallation as president of Adat Ari El. Everyone was sad and making speeches about what a wonderful president she was, to which I say, too bad, so sad, you had her for two years, now she’s back to being mine and being available for lots more cuddles and sushi dinners. I continued my three-year long tradition of wearing a blue dress, if you’re interested, and Bailey dazzled the Adat crowd by appearing in what I think was a black tie gown to the floor. That one – either overdressing to the max or wearing jeans to four-star restaurants, I swear.

We were seated at table numero uno along with my BEST PAL Rabbi Moshe J. Rothblum, who I sweetly interrogated over dinner. This is what I learned: his favorite color is blue, he is lactose intolerant, he does not watch reality television, and he hates to fly. I adore him. Over dinner I also came up with the idea that I will host a small dinner party at my apartment for all my mom’s friends. I have lived there for almost a year and none of them have seen my place yet, so this way they will come and potentially even bring me presents. The ONLY caveat is this: I will have to provide food for everyone. And we all know I do not know how to cook. I hear a shrimp cocktail platter at Costco calling my name… (and YES, I did just mention shrimp in the same paragraph as the Rabbi.)

One more example of how I know the readers of this blog are insane and/or middle aged: at the Un-stallation, Bailey had a bit of a “situation”, and I was forced to go around asking all of my mom’s friends for a tampon. Every time we asked someone for one, they laughed in our faces. “No. Definitely not.” (Defer what you will from that). Fast forward forty five minutes – Bailey and I are enjoying our meal when one of my favorite ladies (who shall remain nameless – let’s call her… Lisa Marie) ran up and crouched next to me.

“Jordan,” said Lisa Marie. “When you asked me for a tampon, and I said I didn’t have one… I USUALLY do, I promise! Please don’t put this on your blog!”

Bailey hadn’t believed me about my devoted fan club of my mother’s friends, but this convinced her I had been serious. Ha.

Speaking of Bailey, while I’d love to stay and chat longer, unfortunately, I need to go call home and check to make sure she’s still alive. She started barfing at 10pm last night and basically hasn’t stopped. My mom thinks it’s a stomach bug, but I, being the brilliant scholar I am, pointed out that Brainiac Bailey ate a tomato salad for lunch yesterday. So it is potentially salmonella, which would SUCK, but also be HILARIOUS.

I’ll keep you posted. I’m laughing just thinking about it.

YAY, GAYS!

Today marked the first full day where gay and lesbian couples were finally able to marry their partners in California. Took long enough!

I really am so happy about this – I think I blogged about my feelings on this issue before. It literally blows my mind that in the year 2008, gay and lesbian couples are STILL being told that they cannot marry their loved one. I honestly do not see what business it is of anyone to tell someone else who they can or cannot love or marry. I especially like this quote from San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom:

“There are some who just can't get over the idea, the image even, of two men kissing," he said. "But for most Californians, I think, if they just pause and think about what gay marriage means to the people they know, they won't want to take it away. The people getting married are your teachers, your neighbors, your cousins. They are the bus drivers, waiters and waitresses and your doctors.”

It’s so true. I think that people who are anti-gay marriage never think about the actual people who this new ruling affects. I can only hope that this will lead to more equality for gays and lesbians all across the country. I am just so PROUD to be from California today!

OH MY GOD. BEST TIE IN EVER…

Speaking of gay marriage, I just returned from Elianna’s bridal shower. (Told you it was good.) Believe it or not, I have actually never been to a bridal shower before. My mom co-hosted it, and it was very nice, even considering the fact that Bailey and I were the only kids there. (Can I be a kid if I am a college graduate with a full time job?)

I really love Elianna, not just because I can truthfully claim “My Rabbi reads my blog”, but also because she is one of the nicest and most genuine people I have ever met. She, however, thinks my mom is one of the nicest and most genuine people she has ever met, and made a really beautiful speech thanking my mom, which made my mom cry and made me feel somewhat uncomfortably guilty about all the times I yell at my mom for being crazy.

Elianna is marrying Sara on my birthday (August 31 – SAVE THE DATE BITCHES. I WANT PRESENTS), and I am super excited about it. They both claim to be wearing wedding dresses – I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t the only one wearing a wedding dress at my wedding. I would kick that person’s ass for stealing the attention away from me, I think.

Oh my god, ANOTHER amazing tie-in! Speaking of attention on me, I need to bring up an interesting phenomenon that has recently come to my attention. When I decided to create this blog, I had envisioned it as a fun little website where my friends and other folks around my age could fuck around, procrastinate, and read about my life instead of doing actual homework or other important things.

NEWSFLASH: This blog attracts the attention of more 50-year old women than I have ever imagined in my life. My mother proudly hands out the web address to everyone she knows – and she knows A LOT of middle-aged Jewish women. Tonight at the bridal shower, it was literally THE topic of conversation – I sat there shaking my head while all my mom’s friends talked about which post was their favorite! Don’t get me wrong – there is nothing wrong with them reading it, and I actually do appreciate it. (Shoutouts to the posse, including Loyal Reader #1 Janice “Blondie” Field and Newcomer Sharon “My Husband is Insanely Hot” Gersh.) It’s just that I have no idea WHY they read it – to learn my opinions on American Idol? To hear about my drunken escapades in various bars across the United States of America? For a firsthand account of exactly what I will do to Bailey should I ever catch her in my closet ever again?

I just don’t know. But ladies, enjoy the blog. I love having you here.

Anyways, due to the fact that I have become somewhat lazy about posting (I blame it on summer. I vow to be better in the future. AKA fall.), this might be my last post before I head off to VEGAS on Thursday!!! I am spending the weekend there with Julie and Greene and their friends from home Jennifer Varadi and Liz Melamed.

I am SO EXCITED – I haven’t been to Vegas since January. I can’t believe I let so many months go by between visits. I’ll just think of it as money saved… and I’ll do my best not to flush it down the toilet at the slot machines this weekend. I already begged Mommy to give me gambling money, and she begrudgingly agreed, so I plan to sit at the damn machine til my ass goes numb.

So it’s late, and I should go to bed. I stayed up late to post a new/funny post for all my fans out there :) love ya’ll! Going to bed now… gotta get some rest for the big weekend!