Just Call Me Juror #3

Greetings, yall! Just popping by for my weekly check-in. It's Sunday night here but I wrote this a few days earlier.... posting it now before I forget!

So I began my week in a truly superb fashion: JURY DUTY. It was my first time, and I was flipping out. Was not at all looking forward to spending a week with some special ed’s who are even crazier than me. Also I am slightly germphobic, and did not really want to sit in the jury bench near other people. BUT the law is the law so of course I had to go. So I arrive Monday morning, Starbucks and Glamour mag in hand, and OF COURSE get called right away to sit on a case. I go in and the (extremely freaking hot judge) proceeds to read us the charges this random woman is facing.

Charge #1: Trespassing
Charge #2: Disturbing the peace
Charge #3: Inciting a crowd

I looked at the defendant and was instantly frightened/intrigued. God knows I love crazy people, and this one was INSANE. She was already interrupting the judge and objecting to things that weren’t even happening (did I mention she was representing herself?) and I could just already tell she had a major touch of the crazy.

Then Hot Judge randomly decides to drop the bomb and mention the following… all this took place at a SYNAGOGUE, and is therefore basically a hate crime. This is approximately when I, sitting in the jury box, decided to put my purse on top of my feet, as I was wearing my ISRAELI FLAG HAVIANANA SANDALS and did not want to risk the possibility of the crazy woman seeing my Jewish feet and lunging at me with murder in her eyes.

It was then time for the potential jurors to answer questions about our lives and any biases we may have. When it was my turn, I told the court that I did in fact have a connection to an attorney – in fact, my father was a criminal defense lawyer. Crazy Defendant immediately started screaming that that meant I would not be able to be a fair juror as she “could tell” I believed she should have a lawyer.

THEN, I was asked to provide my job. Reluctantly I told them I did Public Relations for a religious nonprofit. I was then asked if I wouldn’t mind elaborating on what type of religious nonprofit I worked for. I informed the court that I did, in fact, work for a Jewish organization. Immediately I could see the D.A.’s eyes light up – big Jew in the courtroom! Would probably not enjoy the hate crime very much! Would make a terrific juror for her side!

It basically took about fourteen more seconds for me to be excused after that. When I got excused, I was torn – I knew I couldn’t really be a fair juror so it wasn’t right for me to be there, but GODDAMN did I want to stick around and watch the crazy unfold.

All in all, a very entertaining day and a perfect introduction into the world of jury duty. Of course of all people, it would be me who would end up face to face with a completely insane woman who hated Jews. I mean, did you really think I would end up sitting on a civil suit or some shit like that?

After leaving jury duty, I continued my spectacular day by going to meet my trainer at the gym. Our new thing is boxing – we go outside and box for a while. I am not going to lie, this also includes me running around screaming and high-fiving an imaginary crowd. Anyways, lately my trainer has added in another element of gym humiliation – a bouncy ball. I jump on this ball and basically flail around and its supposed to do something to work out my ass. Or my legs. I don’t know.

ANYWAYS, if you were one of the lucky people driving on Wilshire Boulevard past Joe’s Gym at 6:40pm that day, you would have been privileged to see me jump on the bouncy ball, which promptly skidded two feet away from me, causing me to FLY UP into the air and land flat on my back on the pavement. I ripped my right elbow open and it started gushing blood everywhere, causing my trainer, a former paramedic, to go into full-on freak-out mode and basically almost do CPR on me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am FINE! Just absolutely mortified. I plan on using this as an excuse to never get on the bouncy ball again!

So that’s my fun week so far. Tune in next time to hear about my experiences at… drumroll please… the taping of So You Think You Can Dance!!!!!!

One last thing before I go… this is my 100th POST! Here’s to 100 more :)

Waking Up in Vegas (Shout out to Katy Perry)

Greetings, yall. I am fucking exhausted. Got back from my favorite city on earth last night –Vegas, baby, and it was so fun! Without doing a moment by moment play by play I’ll do my best to sum up the fabulousness in just a few words…

The Friends: so the original trip was booked with Greene, Anna, and Gerrick. Imagine our delight when we realized the ENTIRE Oloff family would be there that weekend as well for Jacqueline’s 21st birthday! We also got to spend time with the Fox twins and special guests Sam Slugh and Lucie, who we know from AEPHI. Fabulous!

The Food: Clearly I take this seriously. When we got there Friday afternoon, we lunched at Mon Ami Gabi in Paris – I love sitting on their patio and watching the Bellagio fountains across the street. Gerrick, apparently, enjoyed her first time there, so much that for the next few days she begged to go back and have more fries. Friday night we dined at TAO (more on the TAO experience later). Food was good but it was irritating that we got seated at 10:20PM for a 9:45 res! Saturday, we ate lunch at the brand new Serendipity 3, right in front of Caesars. I have never been to the original Serendipity – but I had a foot-long hotdog and a frozen hot chocolate for lunch, so it’s a pretty safe bet that I am now a Huge Fan and it has earned the DFWF Seal of Approval. Saturday night we had Spago for din – I introduced my friends to the joy of the smoked salmon pizza and watched them gobble it up happily, which pleased the Jewish mother within me. A brief yet special interlude was spent at the Paris buffet at FOUR O’ CLOCK IN THE MORNING. I wish I could say I sampled the food, but shockingly I didn’t – I was too busy trying to make sure the many drinks I had consumed stayed inside me. Sunday, we dragged our hungover asses over to Caesars to the food court, where Gerrick and I ate lobster rolls. There’s nothing like adding lobster to the mix of alcohol in your stomach, I assure you.

The Fun: Suffice it to say we had an amazing time. Anytime I go anywhere with my pals we have a great time, and when you add Vegas in the mix things are bound to be great. We shopped, we tanned, we gambled, and of course… we drank. We spent Friday night at TAO (comped, thanks to Anna’s persistence) and it was just decent – bouncers kept shining flashlights in Gerrick’s eyes, and it was crowded and hot (probably due to the appearance of Christina “Dirrrty” Aguilera, who kept walking right by our table.)

Saturday night was another story altogether. The new hot club in Vegas is XS (say it fast) at the Encore. Apparently, on Memorial Day weekend they turned away 3,000 people. When we arrived, the lines were INSANE, but we weren’t worried – the Oloffs had procured a hookup to help us get in quickly. For the low low price of $50, “Ray Ray” literally led our group of 15 Jews through the masses of trashy, platform-heel wearing tramps and we cut the ENTIRE LINE. (I would like to point out that D-List celeb Ryan Cabrera got turned away before my very eyes, while I, Jordan Silverman, marched right in, proving my point that I am an A-List celeb.) Anyways, XS was awesome. We drank, danced, met randoms, all inside this gorgeous club – I can’t wait to go back. Good thing I got “Ray Ray’s” number!

(Only damper of the weekend: originally, we got a sweet hookup for a free room at the Flamingo by someone we knew who worked there, who has since moved back to Texas. Unbeknownst to us, the person who is eligible for the comped room needs to actually be there at check-in. Imagine my fucking face when the cheery concierge idiot informed us that the going rate for the weekend was $250 per night. WRONG. I quickly got on the phone and mobilized – thankfully, I had comps and was able to nab us a room at Paris for the weekend for cheaper. It all worked out in the end, but briefly I imagined myself homeless in Vegas, sleeping in the corner of the casino near the GoldFish penny slot machines and showering in the Bellagio fountain…)

Ooh, speaking of GoldFish! I won the penny slot jackpot! And in case you are wondering, that works out to a grand total of… forty bucks. WHAT UP!

Ah, Vegas, I miss you already. Good thing I’ll see you next month! (My mom was very jealous I was there without her – she kept texting me “win anything yet?” and “what are you gambling?” – so we’ll be making a trip there very soon.)

Hope you all had good weekends! Next time I blog, I’ll be in a FABULOUS MOOD because Bailey Janna the College Graduate is finally coming home for good, and I couldn’t be happier. We haven’t lived in the same city for six years!

LA – you do NOT know what is about to hit you!

Here Goes Nothing

Here goes nothing.

I’m back, ladies and gents. Got really tired of fans (and randoms) asking me when I’d start this thing up again. So, here I am! It’s been a while :)

Don’t get me wrong – I love blogging. I stopped because I just felt it was a little self-indulgent – like who really wants to read about my retarded life? But lately I’ve been thinking… I am pretty fun, and I do have some good stories every once in a while… and then I joined Twitter (TALK about self-indulgent). I f-ing LOVE Twitter! I have all these random followers who appear to actually LIKE hearing about where I lunched that day and how I’m feeling when I wake up and what commercials I’m sick of.

Follow me, friends! http://twitter.com/queenjord

So, what’s new in the life of JMRS? Well, I came back from staffing the March of the Living a few weeks ago. If you’re reading this, you most likely know I staffed it last year as well. As usual, it was spectacular. Fell in love with my kids, my co-staffers, maybe an 18-year old or two (just kidding. Not! Or am I? J), and of course, Israel. I can’t WAIT to go back – and not just to flirt with gorgeous soldiers/buy another pair of Havianas with the Israeli flag on them. I want to eat falafels in Cardo and lay on the beach in Tel Aviv and (dare I say it) maybe even hike something? I’m seriously considering a trip back there later this summer with Bailey. Anyone want to join us?

I’ve been doing a ton of shopping. Mostly things I don’t need of course. I didn’t shop for about a month straight (I know, right!), so now that I’m home, I’ve been going a little crazy. In the past few weeks, I’ve bought this and this and these and this… I need to stop, but aren’t they cute? I need to do that thing they did in Confessions of a Shopaholic where she freezes her credit card in a block of ice!

Ooh, in my prolonged absence something AMAZING happened. I went to the Britney Spears Circus concert and LET ME TELL YOU it was PHENOMENAL. When she first came out, I literally hyperventilated for like a good six or seven minutes. GOD – she is SPECTACULAR. It was heartwarming to see how the audience responded to her – it seemed like everyone there was a true Britney fan!

I got some amazing pictures. LOOK HOW HOT SHE IS. OMFG.



I don’t think I’ll ever stop expecting summer vacation to apply to the real world. The worst part about it? I am so goddamn pale. All I want is a tan – I swear, even that weird Jergens stuff is looking good to me!

Before I go, I’m gonna say one more thing…

Adam Lambert was ROBBED of the American Idol title. I’ve watched this show since the very beginning (except the Carrie/Bo season) and I’ve NEVER seen anyone who could sing like he could. Literally every time he opened his mouth, I’d cry real tears. I’m incredibly disappointed in America for voting for Kris, but I do know that Adam will have a long, incredible career ahead of him. I’ll be first in line to buy his CD!





Gorgeous, gay, crazy talented, and Jewish… could he BE any more fabulous?

Whew, I’m riling myself up. Gotta quit before I’m ahead. Hopefully, I’ll post again soon – I’m heading to Vegas this weekend with some pals so there’ll definitely be some good stories coming your way!

(And if you’re reading this – thanks for coming back! I really appreciate it… I know I was a flake but I’m planning on making it up to you, I promise!)

SHE LIVES!!!!!!!!

SHE LIVES!!!!

Well, yes, that is what I like to scream whenever anyone talks about Britney Spears. But we’ll get to her in a second, because that phrase also applies to me, and this blog.

To tell you the truth, I have not been in much of a blogging mood lately… just not really feeling it, been dealing with some other stuff. But over the past week, people have been coming out of the woodwork (hello, Daniel Conroy’s mom in Memphis who I have never met?!) to tell me they missed reading my nonsense. And that is a phenomenal feeling! So, this is how it’s gonna go: you don’t have to check back every day anymore, because I am not promising one a week anymore. But keep it on your favorites (that means YOU, Jennifer Bragman), because every so often I’m gonna surprise you!

But enough about me. Let’s get to BRITNEY, YALL! The comeback is in full force, she’s back with a vengeance, and it’s her world again – we’re just living in it. Yesterday was her birthday and NOT ONLY did I rush my cute butt out to Target at lunch and bought the deluxe version of her CD (yes, you read that right, I forsook a FUCKING MEAL), but I also bought myself a little present :)

BRITNEY SPEARS CIRCUS TOUR CONCERT TICKETS!

That’s right, come April 16th, 2009, you can find me at the Staples Center with Greene Bean and Bailey J screaming my fucking head off for Brit. She lives, yall, SHE LIVES!

(On a more serious note, I am so impressed with the way she has gotten her shit together. As someone who grew up loving Britney, it was really sad watching her spiral out of control earlier this year… I know I had some fun calling her a trainwreck, but I am SO GLAD she has pulled it together. I watched her MTV documentary on Sunday night, and it really gave me some perspective on her life. I think she understands how bad she fucked up and is now doing everything she can to get back to normal. I am so happy she is surrounded by positive and supportive people who really love her and care about her. Viva la Brit FOREVER!)

I’m looking forward to some fun upcoming events… after a one-year hiatus, the Dysfunctional Family Vacation is back in full swing and in a few short weeks, the whole crew is heading for Cancun for some fun in the sun. BELIEVE ME, you’ll get a post out of that one. I’m also going to Dallas for Gerrick’s birthday and a Pat Green concert (yes, I listen to other music besides Brit.) Also, I’ll be celebrating New Years in Santa Fe with the Rubensteins at their new snow house (the winter equivalent of a beach house), which should be fab. Julie and I have lots of cheesy posed pictures, but snow is new territory for us…

Oooh, funny story before I go! Actually, this story is part of the reason why I’m blogging again – right after it happened I was like, “This shit needs to be on my blog, stat.”

So today is Brynn’s birthday (happy birthday B!) and on Monday, before our weekly Gossip Girl date, I told her to pick a place and I’d take her out to dinner. She chose 17th Street Café on Montana. Fine. She picks me up, we drive over, find a bomb parking spot, and walk into the restaurant. Right as we walk in, a man comes over and greets us.

Man: Hey!
Us: Hey!
Man: What’s going on?
Us: Um… nothing, what’s going on with you?
Man: Not too much. Hey, I’m Kevin by the way.
Us: Hi, Brynn and Jordan.
Man: SO nice to meet you guys. Where are you going to sit?
Us: Um, wherever you want to put us is fine…
Man: How about over there?
Us: Okay, sure.

Weird intro but whatever, we’re hungry so we move on. We follow him to the table. Brynn sits down, I put my bag down and go to the bathroom to pee. When I get back, Brynn is sitting there with a full glass of wine in front of her. “He gave me free wine!” she tells me. Bomb. I sit down and look around. Weirdly, the restaurant is full of older folks wearing nice clothes. No one has menus. No one is eating. I get a weird vibe.

“I think we crashed a private party,” I say.

Brynn says no. I think yes. I get up and walk to the front of the restaurant. Sure enough, in HUGE LETTERS on the front door is a sign.

"Sorry - Closed for private function."

TRUE FUCKING STORY. WE CRASHED A PRIVATE PARTY. I run back to Brynn, pull the wineglass out of her hand, and drag her to the door. On our way out, we pass Kevin. “Sorry we crashed your party,” I mumble.

HOW EMBARASSING. ONLY ME!

So that’s it, basically. Work is fine, the apartment is FABULOUS, I’ve got a hot new trainer (very sexy, does not put up with any of my bs when I complain about climbing the stairmaster, enjoys when I teach him Yiddish words like “schlep”), and a black man is our president. Life is good!

YES WE CAN AND YES WE DID!!!!!!

I can barely type this and every few minutes I start to cry because TONIGHT, I WATCHED HISTORY BE MADE!!!!!!!

For the rest of my life I will remember where I was tonight when I heard that Barack Obama was elected the 44th President of the United States... every single time I think about the fact that our wonderful country will now be led by this truly inspiring and brilliant man, I get chills all over again.




I AM SO PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! CONGRATULATIONS BARACK OBAMA... YES WE CAN AND YES WE DID!

WE'RE HERE!!!!!

Hi yall! I’m in such a great mood. This is my very first post from the new apartment!!!!!!!!!

We moved in on Saturday morning and spent the entire weekend organizing, cleaning, building, and unpacking. As a true testament to mine and Talya’s severe OCD, you will not be surprised to know that the ENTIRE APARTMENT is basically perfect already... down to things like art hung on walls and dishes drying on the dish rack! The apartment is BEAUTIFUL and we love it so much!

Here are a few pictures of my room and bathroom:

If you would like to see the rest of the photos of the apartment (and I URGE you to, because it’s fabulous), please click here. This link should work and if not, just let me know and I’ll help you get the right one!

So I promised last time I posted that I’d update yall on some fun things. Here goes!

I have a new hobby! I spend hours every week pouring over interior design magazines, blogs, and websites. It all started when Tal and I decided to move – out of NOWHERE, I got so excited about buying furniture and decorating our new place! Now I’m kind of obsessed, and keep threatening to become an interior decorator for Samuels’ Furniture… needless to say, Jacob does not like this new hobby of mine!

The High Holidays are over – Rosh Hashanah in New York was pretty bomb, me and the parentals first spent a few days in the city. I convinced them to take me to Perilla, Harold (the winner of Top Chef season 1)’s restaurant in Greenwich. It was BASICALLY AMAZING, but sadly, no Harold sighting. BUMMER. We shopped, I had a drink with CarJB, had breakfast with my love Daniel Dehrey, and saw an amazing musical – In The Heights. I’d talk about that more at length, but I’m furious because Britney Spears was in NY and saw it the day after we did. DRATS – SHE ELUDES ME AGAIN!

Actual services and fam time were nice as usual, nothing major, but it was fun seeing everyone in Long Island. Highlights included throwing the kids in the car for a trip to White Castle for white trash baby hamburgers and second night Rosh Hashanah din at, drumroll please…. RUTHS CHRIS! Just like our ancestors did, right!?

We spent Yom Kips at home – Greene Bean was an honorary Silverwoman for the holiday and came to temple to see me speak! I think I did a fairly good job J wasn’t nervous at all and wore a bomb new dress! Was a fairly good day, except for the whole not-eating thing. When break fast finally rolled around, I ate so much I literally made myself sick – Adam Stern came over to chat and I almost barfed on the poor guy’s shoes. I am a CLASS ACT.

Oh, I totally forgot to update about the trip to Cabo! Let’s put it this way – it didn’t happen. We checked the weather the day before we left and discovered a nice little surprise – a Category 4 Hurricane. So, to make a long story short, we canceled the trip and headed off to Palm Springs for a long weekend instead. It ended up being quite the nice little vacay – we used to have a house in PS before we had the Newport house, and we hadn’t been back in years. It was fun seeing and doing all the things we used to do! We swam, tanned, went to a flea market, ate large amounts of food,…All in all, a typical entertaining Silverman family vacay… there was even a stop at Hadleys for AMAZING date shakes and a little retardation/incident in a Chick-fil-a parking lot.

To be perfectly honest, all of these other things are quite interesting, but none of them compares to what I’ve really been thinking/obsessing/dreaming about for the past few months….

HOMECOMING 2008. THIS WEEKEND. TUCSON, ARIZONA. BE THERE OR BE SORRY!

Yes ladies and gents, this weekend is MOTHER FUCKING HOMECOMING. There are not enough exclamation points in the world to explain how excited we (yes, the royal we, it includes basically all Arizona Wildcats) all are. Expect a full recap sometime next week when I get back... it may take a while for me to recover from the gallons of alcohol I plan on drinking, but rest assured, I’ll update all of you with plenty of stories and photos.

I’m off to slumber in my amazing new sheets. BEAR DOWN BITCHES!!!!

An Acrostic for Bragman

REAL QUICK -- Bragman is STILL complaining about my lack of updates, so this is for you Brag. I love you!

B - BLOOMIN ONION seller :)
R - raging alcoholic

A - always down for a shotfest any time of day

G - gorgeous
M - makes me take her out to dinner whenever she cries

A - awesome at nearly everything she does

N - nice to anyone who buys her a drink!

Ooooh, I love acrostics :) Anyone want me to do one with their name?! Okay, I'm going for real now. CIAO!

Believe Me, I Know...

Believe me, I know. If you're reading this, you're mad at me (Bragman, Serena, etc...). I would be mad at me too -- I haven't updated in WEEKS! I am SO sorry.

Things in my life that have been crazy:

1. I went to New York for a week

2. My boss came back to work

3. I am in the midst of packing up my apartment for move-in day next week

4. Tomorrow is Yom Kippur and I am speaking at temple in front of like a thousand people

5. On Friday I leave for five days in CABO!

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled about all of those things... October is shaping up to be a great month! I promise when I get back and things calm down a bit, I will update on all those things and many others (my new hobby! My opinion on the VP debate! Photos of the new apartment! The Second Installment of The Tale of the Great Chair Debacle of 2008 - The Removal! All this AND MORE!)

But for now, I'm off to blowdry my hair and lug garbage bags full of shit my mom is making me toss out to the trash... fancy times in the life of Jordan Marisa.

Shanah tovah and g'mar hatima tovah to everyone who is reading this!

Happy new year, have an easy fast, and may you be inscribed in the Book of Life!

This May Be My Longest Post Yet!

Before you even think it, I KNOW I'VE BEEN SO MIA! Ahem. My apologies to all those in the blogosphere. I actually do have a legitimate excuse, and though it pains me to admit it, I will share it with all of you.

I joined an effing gym. Ugh. I am now one of THOSE people. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel and if I like it. The answer is this: I do NOT like it and would much rather be lying on the couch singing songs, but know it is for my general health and well being so I will continue to go. The mere act of putting sneakers on and lacing them up makes me feel very athletic, so we shall see how this goes… my trainer is (of course) this teeny blond little midge… I can’t decide if that’s inspiring or infuriating.

God, so much has happened since I last blogged! I’ll fill all yall in, and make it an extra special long post to boot… here are some TOTALLY RANDOM yet fabulous updates and ruminations from the dark mind of Jordan Marisa:

Since the last time I updated, I have been on KIIS FM’s morning show not once, but TWICE! To make a long story short, I listen to KIIS every morning on my way to work – Ryan Seacrest and his sidekick Ellen Kay are hilarious and I love them. They do this regular feature called Ryan’s Roses about once a week – basically, a girl who thinks her husband or boyfriend is cheating on her calls in and explains her problem, and Ryan has someone on his staff call the guy and offer him a free dozen roses to see who he offers him to… his girl or someone else! Usually, the guy is totally cheating and the girl cries her little heart out on air and makes everyone uncomfortable, but the last two Ryan’s Roses were actually really interesting and worth commenting on… so I called in and commented! Both times they picked up right away and put me through. You might think that’s lame, but can YOU say you talked to Ryan Seacrest before you had your morning coffee?!

Last week I wrote this awesome post all about Sarah Palin, and right as I was about to put it up, I reread it and decided it barely scratched the tip of the iceberg of everything I wanted to comment on. So, instead, I will say nothing about Sarah Palin here – if you are truly interested in my thoughts about her I’d be happy to rant and rave in person. And if you haven’t watched the SNL skit where Tina Fey BRILLIANTLY channels Her Craziness, click here right now and stop reading my blog. There are more important things for you to be doing.

(I will say this: well done, Bristol Palin! You are the new Jamie Lynn Spears. I was wondering who would corner the teenage mother contingency now that JL has gone and birthed her tot, so I’m glad you filled the slot up real fast.)

Moving on! Two weeks ago I had the incredible opportunity to attend the opening of the BRAND NEW Neiman Marcus in the VALLEY! It was super fab – I wore my brand new MaxMara dress and felt very fancy. The opening party was the night before the actual store opened to the public, so the parentals and I just sashayed around the store for a few hours, eating delicious appeteasers (the dumplings in the men’s section and the lobster finger sandwiches in the shoe salon were particularly excellent) and oohing and ahhing over the clothes and jewels.

I am also proud to note that I made a friend in the adorable gay who runs the contemporary section, who snuck me over to a register and allowed me to make a purchase! AMAZING – I am one of the very first people to ever buy anything from that store! I think he sensed we were going to be doing a lot of hanging out :) Anyways, look what I got!

Today at lunch, Teddy, Jessie and I went to the Farmer’s Market. Though the pastrami sandwich and the company were good, the highlight was definitely when a bird shat on Teddy’s plate, right as he was about to take a bite of his food. I laughed so hard I cried and almost fell off my chair. It’s moments like that that make me desperately wish for my own reality TV show.

Speaking of TV, fall programming has really been quite hit or miss lately. Gossip Girl continues to be the most amazing show that has ever existed (I literally sit in my room alone and whisper to myself at commercials, “Best. Show. Ever.”). 90210 is predictable and lame but of course I am sucked into it. Every season I think there is no way on earth Tyra Banks can top last year’s crazy – but she wows me every single year, with this year’s Top Model group including a fucking TRANNY! Excellent. Anyways, the best part of it all is exactly a week from tonight, Grey’s Anatomy and the Office return – I CAN’T WAIT!

Last weekend, a mini Arizona reunion occurred at Happy Endings – or should I say in the Happy Endings parking lot? For some reason, the bar was at overflow, and instead of turning people away, they simply roped off the parking lot, put a few PortaPotty outside, and set up a makeshift bar! Commence drinking for all Wildcats in attendance. Highlights included a run-in with an ex boyfriend from elementary school (Me: “Hi! What’s new?” He: “Oh, you know… I’m kinda gay.” Terrific.) and a strange compliment from a random (“That is the most dramatic exit from a PortaPotty I have ever seen.”) It was one of the most fun nights I’ve had in a while… complete with drama, dancing, and a 2am walk across the street to In&Out!

Pictures from that evening will be up soon – everyone must be sure and note my AMAZING tan! The night before, Greene and I went spray tanning in Santa Monica and the results were pretty damn fabulous. I never again have to subject myself to potential skin cancer – I’m just gonna hit up Chocolate Sun off Main Street and be a perfectly bronzed beauty! Love it.

While we’re on the subject of things I love – MISS BRITNEY JEAN SPEARS ROCKED THE SHIT OUT OF THE VMAS. Oh my god, from the second she walked onstage, I literally almost had tears in my eyes. She looked AMAZING – exactly like old Britney! I was so proud of her! The only bummer was that every single one of her thank-you speeches (for the THREE awards she won!) was exactly the same… girlfriend needs a new speech writer. I’ll happily volunteer. Long live BRIT!

Got a busy weekend ahead of me – tomorrow night I am going to the Dodger Game with the parentals and GB. Saturday, I’ll be at the UCLA/Arizona game – the last time I went to a football game I literally tumbled down the entire row of stairs and landed facedown in the first bleacher. Needless to say, I wasn’t too anxious to go back, but I couldn’t resist a day of drunken debauchery with some fellow Wildcats. Saturday night I have to work – the Federation is holding our annual comedy night at the brand new Laugh Factory and Comedy Hall of Fame in Long Beach, and I have to be there to deal with press and media. It’ll be okay though – Dane Cook is scheduled to perform! (Cue Greene peeing her pants in excitement).

I’m out. BEAR DOWN BITCHES!

Movin' On Up!

Happy Wednesday, ya’ll! I’m in such a good mood. Let’s get to it!

So this is my very first blog post as a 23 year old woman! The birthday weekend was fun – I got some AMAZING presents from my kind and generous family and friends, including Jimmy Choo sunglasses, a Chan Luu bracelet, new Free City sweats, and a Build-A-Bear (don’t ask.)

Saturday night I celebrated with dinner and drinks at the Belmont with all my friends, which ended in me ordering WAY too many mojitos and having to be taken home around 1:30am. Sunday, which was my actual birthday, I went out to brunch and then shopping in Beverly Hills, where I treated myself to a new Vince leather jacket (AMAZING. CANNOT WAIT FOR IT TO GET COLD HERE IN LA!) I then headed home to the valley, where I joined my parents at Elianna and Sara’s wedding, which was so nice – I’m really glad I went. I had never been to a gay wedding, nor had I ever been to a rabbi’s wedding, and the ceremony (which Elianna wrote herself) was so beautiful and the atmosphere was just so welcoming and accepting of all. Also, the delicious appetizers did not hurt the day either. Monday I hung out with Mommy and went shopping and ended the weekend with a parental-sponsored dinner at Taverna Tony’s in Malibu, where me and some special guest stars stuffed our faces with Greek food, and Greene brought me a Susie Cakes birthday cake! I love you GB! All in all a very pleasant birthday celebration all around.

Speaking of birthdays, on Monday the CW gave me a slightly belated birthday present – the long awaited Gossip Girl premiere! AND IT. WAS. FUCKING. FABULOUS. Literally I cannot even put into words how much I adore Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass. Their chemistry is so fucking hot. Their clothes are so fucking hot. The storylines are so fucking hot. This show is SO FUCKING HOT.

As long as we’re talking about TV (and amazingly ridiculous yet unrealistic shows aimed towards teenagers), I may as well give my opinion on the new 90210 that I watched last night. In a word – fine. Nowhere near as amazing as Gossip Girl, and kind of predictable, but then again, I think I was like 11 years old when the first 90210 came out. It started off kind of slow but got better over the course of the two-hour premiere… I didn’t get many of the inside jokes/references to the first 90210, but I’ll definitely watch next week. If its good, I’ll stick around!

(Side note: I thought the best part of 90210 was Naomi the popular mean girl. Then I realized I think the best part of Gossip Girl is Blair Waldorf, the popular mean girl. And then I realized my favorite movie of all time is… Mean Girls, featuring THE Popular Mean Girl, Regina George. Uh oh. I sense a trend. My mom is not gonna like that psychoanalysis.)

What else is going on around here? Let’s talk about some upcoming trips:
-Homecoming is in less than 7 weeks. F YES!
- Gerrick informed me that she is probably coming to visit in November, and I am planning on going to Dallas for a mini U of A reunion in December, so I’m excited about that :) lots of Gherkin time coming up soon!
- I finally booked my trip to New York with the parentals for Rosh Hashanah! We’re gonna stay in the city for the weekend, then head out to Long Island for temple and Jewishness on Monday. Hopefully I will get to see my NY friends and go out with them in the city along with the Broadway shows and gourmet dining I already have planned :) that’s in three weeks and I can’t wait!

And finally, I saved the best news for last… I’M MOVING!

Yep, Tal and I are packing up the Bodies in Motion on Goshen apartment and heading out – really far… all the way up to Montana Avenue! :) We’re moving to that big beautiful white apartment building right behind Whole Foods and Pinkberry, and we are SO EXCITED!

Things I can’t wait for:
1. buying all new furniture
2. decorating the new apartment
3. living in the same building (literally next door!) as Amanda Baker
4. my own bathTUB
5. a washer/dryer inside our apartment
6. AIR CONDITIONING!!!! FUCKING FINALLY!!!!!

We aren’t moving for another month – middle of October – but we’re planning on throwing a big party as soon as we get settled so all of you can see our new gorgeous place! This has been in the works for a few weeks already (ask me for the full, kind-of-unbelievable-story) and today our application finally got approved – SO EXCITING!

And on that positive happy note, I am off :) hope everyone is enjoying their week!

My Last Post as a 22 Year Old!

Hello friends and fans :)

It’s almost Friday! I am excited for the long weekend. I’ve got lots of fun things planned… because it’s my BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

I’ll fill you in on all the birthday happenings next week when I blog. I’ve got a dinner, a bar night out, a brunch, and a parental-sponsored evening, all to celebrate the big Two Three! I can’t wait!

Anyways, we’ve got other things to discuss. To tell you the truth, I haven’t watched one minute of DNC coverage. It’s surprising – you’d think a die hard liberal like myself would be all over it. I can’t help it, I’m just not in love with Obama. Don’t get me wrong, of course I’m voting for him, but something about him just rubs me the wrong way. It’s weird. I am very happy he chose Joe Biden to be his VP, by the way – I was bummed that he didn’t choose Hillary, but I think an Obama/Biden ticket will be very strong in the end. Now let’s see who the old man chooses!

Today I drove down to Bergamot Station in Santa Monica with Monise and Pam, my friends and co- MOL staff, to see this exhibit of photographs that detail the Nazi’s obsessive records of the Holocaust. This photographer, a Los Angeles based surgeon named Richard Ehrlich, got special permission to tour the archives that house more than 50 million papers documenting the Holocaust and the Nazi’s Final Solution. I urge you to read all about the exhibit in this LA Times article or in this Jewish Journal article.

The exhibit was sickening – the photographs, of course, were beautifully shot, but the subject matter was just horrifying. I have said it before – the Holocaust is the type of thing where the more you know, the less you know, and it really rang true for me while I was looking at these pictures. How can you look at a list of Jewish prisoners who were shot, one by one, every two minutes, in honor of Hitler’s birthday -- how can you look at that list and think you can comprehend the Holocaust?

Before going on the March, I probably would have been interested in this exhibit, but would never have gone. Now that I’ve seen it for myself, I have a compulsion to learn as much as I possibly can about the Holocaust – I read books, study online, and watch documentaries. I am lucky that I have friends in LA who not only understand my need for knowledge about it, but share it as well. If you are reading this and you are ever interested in going to see a Holocaust film or exhibit, please let me know – I am always looking to expand my knowledge on the topic.

I have a new strange obsession – don’t laugh! For some reason, I stumbled upon a collection of blogs on the internet written by young Southern women in their twenties and thirties… and I AM OBSESSED. I read them EVERY DAY. It is so weird – like why do I care about Megan, the twenty-five year old blonde Southern Baptist in Memphis, Tennessee and her obsession with Lily Pulitzer?! Every time I go read one of their blogs, I get sucked in and there goes an hour. I know. I need help. I’m so bizarre.

Speaking of blogs… I am thinking of giving mine a facelift (I got rid of the music – it drove me nuts every time I went on here to update, so I can just imagine how much all of yall hated it! Sorry!) Anyways, I just heard of this person who does custom blog designs – she would design a whole new look for Don’t Fuck With Fabulous, specifically tailored to colors and designs that I like! It sounds so cool, but I know I’ve been slacking lately on keeping up with this, so I’m not gonna let myself do it until I get back into the swing of posting regularly… ie, at least twice a week. So if you see me fucking around on the internet, MAKE me blog, because I really want to get this custom update!

Before I go, I must wish my darling parental units a VERY HAPPY ANNIVERSARY as they celebrate THIRTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE TOGETHER!!!!

My parents are truly the best human beings I know and I am so lucky to have them in my life. I wish them the best anniversary ever and hope the next thirty years will be just as good as the first! I LOVE YOU BOTH!

Well, I am off. The next time I blog I will be 23 years old! :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Seven Fabulous Updates

So, yes. Have not blogged in basically forevs. Cut me some slack, I feel like I've been running around like a Jewish chicken with her head chopped off! This is what I'll do – I'll make a list of everything I've been wanting to talk about lately (with clever titles too!) and just go through it, one by one. Here we go!

My New Boyfriend – ah, not a real one. Calm down Mommy. My new boyfriend and current obsession is.... the one and only Michael Phelps. Granted, a week ago I did not know he existed, but I am proud to announce that I am officially in love with him. To be perfectly honest, I don't even really WATCH the Olympics (sports…far away… President Bush popping in for athletic pep talks… human rights being violated all over the place in China… meh, not my scene) but everywhere I turn the boy is all over the news, CNN.com, even gossip blogs! He is gorgeous and I adore him and want him to be mine. Oh yeah, and the fact that he shattered world records like it was no big thing and has like fourteen hundred gold medals is pretty huge too.

Jennifer Greene Life Update – I am pretty sure Greene set some kind of world record for landing a job. She had literally been in Los Angeles for three days when Talya got her an interview at Seven Jeans for the Marketing Assistant position, which had been vacated that day. Within forty eight hours Greene had gone downtown, interviewed, been offered the job, and had accepted the position. Fabulous – AND she gets free Sevens! I plan on partaking :)

Abandonment – my tiny companion Bailey Janna has left me to return to that land of drunken debauchery and yellow snow, the University of Wisconsin. I feel abandoned. BJ Foumart and I had a wonderful few months together this summer and I miss her (and my f*cking black leather Gucci purse that she jacked) already. I'm counting down the days til I go and pay those crazy Badgers a visit!

Return to the Toose – speaking of drunken debauchery and paying crazy people a visit, I had the opportunity to visit Tucson for a brief 24 hours last weekend. I headed out to the desert to help AEPHI with sorority recruitment – for those of you who don't know what that is, may god have mercy on your soul. It's only my FAVORITE thing in the world – pretty girls bouncing, screaming, singing, dancing, and being fake! (I don't think I have to spell it out that I'm pretty f*cking good at it.) I literally spent fourteen straight hours inside AEPHI watching, helping, and teaching them how to cheer perfectly and my day could not have been more perfect. The sad thing is, I am so not even kidding. Ah, Tucson. I miss you already – see you in TWO MONTHS AND TWO DAYS!

Announce It Already – both of you. That's right, I'm talking to you, old Republican man and young Democrat man. I'm sick of clicking on CNN.com every twelve seconds to see if one of you has made up your mind about a running mate.

Rear Ended (And Not the Good Kind) – ugh, so annoying. Yesterday I was minding my own business in my car, rocking out to some Viva La Vida and chit-chatting with Gherkin on my Bluetooth, when some a-hole hits my car. Blah blah, long story short, we pull over, get out, start inspecting the damage, and I am being relatively pleasant when the guy drops this bomb on me. "It's my fault, I'm sorry. I'm not used to driving this Jaguar – it's brand new. I just sold my Porsche last week." Um, that may have potentially been the snobbiest sentence ever uttered in Beverly Hills. I looked at him and went, "Uh, sorry! Your life sucks!"

The Birthday Girl – ME! IT'S ME! In exactly 10 days, I turn 23 years old. YAY! Presents and birthday cake (ahem, better be from SusieCakes… pay attention Greene). I am planning on celebrating at the Belmont on August 30 and I AM PUMPED!

So that's that. Before I go, I just want to say that some major life changes are in the works. So, DFWF fans, rest assured, because as soon as they start happening, I will definitely give y'all something to talk about!

Adventures with Olive

Here I am, dear DFWF readers. I’ve been off in foreign lands and out and about :) so let’s get to it, shall we?

First things first – Greene is here! YAY! She is living with me for the next two weeks until her apartment is ready. I am so happy she is here and will continue to be happy she is here so long as she keeps her suitcases OUT of my room. (You know how everyone has a thing? Well, my thing is I cannot handle anyone’s suitcases in my room. It’s bizarre. I know.)

So, I know it’s already Wednesday, but I want to post about my weekend! Irritatingly, the weekend got off to an annoying start when, after returning home from the Dodger game on Friday night (the first game featuring Manny Ramirez – Bailey and I had no idea who he was but screamed happily for him everytime he appeared on the field, just like every other Dodger fan there. What can we say, we like being a part of the excitement), it was discovered someone had broken into my dad’s car and stolen his watch, my mom’s sunglasses, and my car keys. Therefore, I have no car nor house keys and have been driving my mom’s car, which I hate. Had to vent about the annoyingness of that, but let’s move on.

We had a super weekend in Vegas – we stayed at the Paris, which shall henceforth be known as “GAY PAREE” – Bailey and I walked around the entire hotel speaking in French accents and annoying the parentals. Now that I’m thinking about it, we seriously did have a very fun time hanging out, shopping, eating, and gambling. When we got there, the parentals took us to Mon Ami Gabi inside Paris for lunch, which we loved and Bailey got the first of what would be six ahi tuna salads over the next four days. Saturday night we tried Aquaknox for the first time (it’s a seafood restaurant in the Venetian) and saw Jersey Boys, which was phenomenal, as usual. On Sunday, we had lunch at Todd English’s Olives inside the Bellagio, where Bailey decided her new nickname was going to be Bailey Olive. She also hid a note underneath a pillar outside the Bellagio Prada store for her friend Mike to find next week when he comes to Vegas, even though I patiently pointed out that the Bellagio employs a staff of about six thousand people, one of whom will surely find and remove said note before he gets there. We shopped at Fashion Show Mall and had dinner at the always-amazing Craftsteak inside the MGM on Sunday night, and on Monday we did a little tour through the Forum Shops and had lunch at Daddy’s fave the Palm before sadly leaving the Veg and its 108 degree weather.

I did not mention the best part, however…

I WON $450 BUCKS ON A PENNY SLOT! Hot Hot Penny is THE BEST slot machine ever, ANDDDDDD so is Go Fish (I can just SEE Julie and Anna nodding in agreement as they read this). It was AMAZING – I NEVER leave Vegas with money in my pocket!

What else is new… last night the Silverman family reunited with the Rubenstein family, who are in Huntington Beach on a fam vacay… we drove down to our Newport house for the night to have dinner there with them and it was super fun! Greene and Anna came too, so it was a mini Arizona reunion… we love when that happens!

Other news:
- Jeremy got a PUPPY! His name is Duncan Mandel and he is a baby golden retriever and he is super cute. Apparently he barks all the time and doesn’t let Jeremy sleep. I am glad for once someone else is causing him grief besides me.

- If you have not seen the People magazine with the Jolie-Pitt twins on the cover, go out and buy it right now, NOT for the photos of the newborn babies, but instead for the photo of one Miss Shiloh Jolie-Pitt holding her new baby sister. After seeing this photograph, Shiloh is now officially on my list of top three most adorable celebrity babies (her counterparts include Violet Affleck and Suri Cruise). Seriously, could this kid BE any cuter?

- I will be SO lonely the next few weeks at work – my boss is out on maternity leave, David is on his book tour on the east coast, and Mitch is going on vacation next week! I am all alone in my corner of the office :( thank god Jessie and Teddy are back from staffing their Birthright trip… for a while there I think I was the only staff-member in her twenties in the entire building.

- Homecoming is less than 3 months away! I know that that’s a ridiculously long time, but I am ridiculously excited. Expect frequent countdowns and updates as the weekend draws nearer… yesterday Anna, Greene, and I may or may not have planned out all our meals in advance… yes, we know we are sick. We don’t care – BEYOND BREAD here we come!

I am heading back to Newport again on Friday… Bailey Olive is really tan (because she does NOTHING all day except lay on the beach = hard life), and I am extremely jealous, so I am planning on doing nothing but sleeping on the sand for the entire weekend.

Will blog again soon. Until then, stay classy, Los Angeles :)

An Earth Shaking Blog Post

So I have not blogged in a while because lately, I feel like life has been fairly quiet and even a little bit boring. Unfortunately, when I tried to use this excuse on a few people who asked why I haven’t been blogging, I was immediately told to shut up and get to work*, so here we go!

Today LA was hit by a fairly large 5.8 earthquake. I was at work when it happened around 11:45am, and at first, I didn’t even look up. The Federation building was swaying pretty hard, though, so I did get up and climb into the nearest doorframe. David, who I work with, is from Philadelphia, and came flying out of his office at a hundred miles an hour.

“What are you doing? Why are you in the doorway?” He was freaking out. I explained to him that that’s just what you do during an earthquake – if you’re near a doorframe, you stand in it, because buildings can collapse, but doorframes are built into the foundation. I then explained some other earthquake rules that we natives of southern California know, such as Thou Shall Not Sleep Underneath Windows or Thou Shall Bolt The Shit You Don’t Want Breaking to Your Walls.

I also realized that I know quite a few people who are new in California who have yet to experience an earthquake, including Anna, Erez, Ross, Talya, etc…. so I gave everyone a ring and welcomed them to the SOE Club (Survivors of Earthquakes Club). Then I called Greene and scared her for a while – she better prepare herself for some shaking!

So what else is new in the life of JMRS? Let’s see. Rabbi Rothblum (love of my life) asked me to speak at Yom Kippur services in October about my experiences on the March (basically I am a one woman publicity machine for the March), after which he will give the pitch for the Masorti movement and why people should buy Israel bonds. I am honored to have been asked – hundreds of people come to temple on High Holidays who usually don’t come to temple and who also might not know about the March… I hope I reach people who otherwise wouldn’t have known anything about this essential program.

I have also recently decided to venture into the world of investing and buying stocks… this past weekend, I was shopping with my mom and begged her to buy me this amazing discounted (but still not cheap) Marc Jacobs clutch. She refused, and I STUPIDLY said something along the lines of, “FINE! I will buy it myself!” This, of course, led immediately into her questioning me in the middle of Saks Fifth Avenue exactly how I could afford that… which led to her demanding to know how much money I have saved… which led to her making me tell my dad how much I have in my savings account… which led into him lecturing me on how I need to put my money in places other than my bank account, such as something called a CD (which apparently does not have anything to do with music) or in stocks.

I picked stocks, because two of the people I chat most regularly with (former DFWF contributors Jacob Cullen and Jeremy David) are like head over heels in love with the stock market and since I already have to hear about it from them all the time anyways, I might as well learn some stuff and pick up tips while I’m at it.

I gave Jake the list of things that I want to invest in things I want to invest in: Broadway musicals, food, and shoes. He turned this list into the following: JC Penney and Buffalo Wild Wings… somehow that was not what I was thinking. Jeremy suggested some other stuff, like Apple and a bank, but I forget which one. Starbucks was vetoed by both, which makes me sad. I like to go to Starbucks so that when I buy things I am improving my dad’s stocks options. (That sentence may not have made any sense... I'm kind of just throwing out terms I've heard. Stop me if I stumble upon one that actually makes sense.)

I hope this investing thing turns out better than when I was into football picks for about twenty minutes. I seem to recall I kind of sucked at that, and I will be intensely furious if I suck at this – real money is at stake! Marc Jacobs clutches are at stake!

Anywho, this weekend I am off to Vegas with the fam :) a little weekend trip before BayGay goes back to school and the Magnificent Sisterly Duo is parted once again. We are seeing Jersey Boys and eating at Craftsteak… what could be better?

I know what could be better… when I return from Vegas, my GREENE BEAN will be here in LA… FOR GOOD!!!!

*also a line from my favorite porn… a little bonus nugget of information for all of you who read to the end!

The Most Beautiful Wedding Dress in the World

This, my friends, is the MOST beautiful wedding dress in the world. It is Vera Wang, it is probably $47,000, and I WILL get married in it!

That's all for now -- just popping in to show you all. I couldn't resist! More blogging tomorrow or the next day, I promise. And for those of you are curious WHY or HOW I stumbled upon this online... let's just say I'm the only person in the universe who isn't engaged or getting married... wedding websites are my new best friend. Cool, right? NOT.

CIAO!

WONDERFUL NEWS!

So, I have known about this for a while, but didn't want to post it or make a big deal about it til it was final...

GREENE IS MOVING TO LA!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my best friend Jennifer Leigh Greene is officially moving to Los Angeles! She lined up an apartment to sublet for a few months while she looks for a job and a more permanent place to live, is shipping her car out and flying out here in the beginning of August, and TODAY she changed her facebook network from Houston to Los Angeles!

JenLeigh34: i like how as much as i told you about my plans to move, like actually agreeing to sublet an apt and applying for jobs, not until i change my FACEBOOK network did you really think it was happening lol

I am SO excited -- Greene and I have SO much fun together and I can't wait for all of our LA adventures to begin. I can't wait to shop, eat, drink, play, and do one other thing we seem to do quite often together... DANCE!

Music to Your Ears -- In More Ways Than One!

If you’re reading this and have ears, you can automatically tell the new feature that I’ve added to the blog – MUSIC! I’ve added a list of songs that I personally adore and hope you will enjoy listening to them as well :) I think it’s pretty cool – if you don’t like it, want to switch songs, or turn it off, just scroll down to the little player and do what you need to do. I saw this on someone else’s blog and Jacob magically found me the website so I could add it to my own personal blog, and I am very happy about it! Thank you Jake!

It’s only Monday and I’m already excited for Friday –Federation Movie Day! Apparently every summer, the Federation gives all its employees the day off from work and takes everyone to see a major summer blockbuster. I LOVE IT! Free Swedish Fish, a diet coke, and people dancing around singing Dancing Queen – the Jordan Silverman recipe for success. Nothing could make me happier.

So I had a pretty nice weekend. Friday night me and some special guest stars headed off for an evening at Air Conditioned, the club in Venice. It was mildly entertaining – I got drunk off $5 well drinks and Talya took pictures of me while I was peeing. Rest assured those will NOT be posted online. Saturday involved a delicious brunch at NY Bagel Co and then various beauty-related errands in the val, capped off by dinner at The Hungry Cat in Hollywood. I ate the most delicious shrimp ever – I can’t wait to go back.

Then yesterday I roused myself at the ungodly Sunday morning hour of 8:30, got dressed, and drove off to Oxnard to watch my dear friend Tali get married! I have known Tali since we were five years old – I can’t believe she is married now! The wedding was beautiful – the ceremony was held outdoors overlooking the beach, which is perfect for Tali and her husband William because they are totally beachy and outdoorsy. I wore my new FUCKING FABULOUS dress and cried when she walked down the aisle. The reception was very cute and again, very them – they had a reggae band! I’m not going to lie, reggae is hard to dance to and I’m fairly sure I looked stupid but I did have fun with my pals. The only bad part of the afternoon? I did NOT catch the bouquet. One crazy person I’d like to identify as MISS NATALIE QUINONES got a little too excited and smooshed me off to the side so she could catch it! Very upsetting.

Speaking of weddings, in a few minutes I am heading off to dinner with Miss Wendy Gordon, where I will admire her new engagement ring! We will be eating at what Ellana fondly refers to as the “punch me in the face sushi restaurant,” for the time that she promised I would not get food poisoning there, and if I did, I could punch her in the face.

Anyways, before I go, we have something of vast importance to discuss. While fucking around on the computer, I stumbled upon the American Idol website, and realized something – tryouts for the 8th season of American Idol begin THIS WEEK!

Should I try out!?

Let me be straight – in no way do I think that I will be crowned the season 8 winner. I like to sing, and I like to think I have a decent voice, but I harbor no illusions that I am the next Celine Dion. That being said, I REALLY WANT TO TRY OUT! I think it would be so fun, and I LOVE reality TV, and I would absolutely DIE if my audition ended up on TV… how hilarious would that be?

In short, I need to make a decision, and I need to make one FAST. If I decide to go ahead with this, I think I’ll fly to Phoenix and try out there NEXT FRIDAY!

I am welcoming any and all comments and suggestions. If you’ve never posted a comment here, NOW IS THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4th of July -- Not a Holiday for Jews

So I recently returned from a long weekend spent in Newport at the beach house, and I have an announcement to make.

July 4th? Not a holiday for Jews. ESPECIALLY if you plan to celebrate in Newport Beach on Balboa Boulevard. I’ve never seen anything like it – thousands of people congregate on the beach and on beach house patios, drinking, screaming, and partying into the wee hours of the night. Extremely fun, yes, but also extremely overwhelming. I am fairly certain that they close the streets leading to the beach and you are not allowed in unless you are any combination of the following:
- blond
- tan
- not Jewish
- an alcoholic

Bailey and I discussed this while taking a dip in the ocean. (Some of you may know that I profess to hate the beach, as I abhor being dirty or sandy and I am scared of the ocean because I don’t like not seeing what I am stepping in. However, for some reason none of these things apply when I am in Newport. At first, I run back and forth on the sand screaming until I finally am persuaded to get INTO the water, but then you cannot get me out. I swim and dive into the waves fearlessly like a champ. Bailey calls me a mermaid.)

Anyway, there we were, shivering in the ocean like the pale brunettes we are, wearing our shiny black bathing suits, staring enviously at the tan blonde Abercrombie goys wearing skimpy scraps of fabric and romping about in the water, and discussing how clearly out of place we were, when we realized that July 4th is really not for Jewish people.

July 4th is about the three Bs -- barbequing, beer, and blowing shit up. And let’s be honest here – Jews don’t really do that. We burn the things we barbeque, we vomit if we drink too much beer, and we do not like the loud noises that come when you blow shit up. Am I wrong? Maybe that’s just us. Maybe it’s just the Silverman family (and by extension, the many Jews who flock to see us) who really have no business being there. In case you did not know, we are not blond or tan, nor do we have drinking problems (well, my mother does enjoy her Red Roosters a little too much, but that’s a whole other story).

So I guess I’ll look at it this way -- 4th of July is the one day a year that we Jews partake in these decidedly non-Jewy activities. I can get down with that.

All in all, the weekend was extremely fun – partiers included the Milgroms, the Fields, the Mayos, the Safenowitzes, Tina, Talya, and my friend David from work (who brought his wife and tiny baby). Unexpected Special Guest Stars included Darren, David Shapiro, Staypuft, Mike Barber, and Brandon Cohen. (Yes, I still can’t even believe it myself. Inquire within for more details on that.)

Hot dogs were grilled, punch was served, and Gary Silverman learned how to play both Beer Pong and Flip Cup. Rest assured, he was a champ at both. He also flexed some impressive muscle the THREE times our patio was infiltrated by extremely drunk individuals wanting to either a) hang out, b) drink our liquor, or c) use our bathroom. Very impressive Daddy. Nicely done.

Quote of the weekend from one Mr. Jeff Safenowitz:
Me: “You’re virgins who can’t drive.”
Jeff: “Hey! We can drive.”

Bahahaha. Anywho, I hope everyone had a super swell 4th of July weekend as well. I promise to try and blog more often so people will stop yelling at me. I am off to eat imitation creamed spinach and blowdry my hair. Happy Monday, yall!