Clinton/Obama? Or Obama/Clinton?

Hi everyone.

I am super tired and must get in bed and watch my daily dose of trashy reality tv (tonight will be Make Me A Super Model - delicious trash), but I just watched an interesting clip on CNN.com where Wolf Blitzer asked Barack and Hilary an interesting question.

According to CNN,"The longest and loudest applause line of the night came when CNN's Wolf Blitzer noted that many Democrats have said they'd like to see a Clinton-Obama or Obama-Clinton ticket in November. Neither ruled out the possibility of selecting the other as a running mate. "

I don't DARE get into politics on this right now as I am currently exhausted and not on my A game and that would certainly invite some criticism/comments from certain parties who shall remain unnamed, but I thought this was interesting and deserved some attention, thus I am turning it over to you. I will have to give it some thought before I comment publicly on it (I know you are all waiting with bated breath), as right now my only thoughts on the debate are on how fucking annoying the traffic in Hollywood was because of it. I am so politically concerned that sometimes I even astound myself.

Anyways, I am off to bed. Look forward to an indepth post tomorrow - I will even cover the series finale of CROWNED! Yes, I am just that good to you.

I HAVE THE MOST EXCITING NEWS!

The most exciting thing has happened to me!!!!!!!!! I got asked to go on March of the Living!!!!!

For those of you who don’t know what March of the Living is, I will explain the best I can. Basically, thousands of Jewish teenagers, their chaperones, and a small group of Holocaust survivors meet in Poland to re-create the march that the Nazis forced the Jews in concentration camps to do shortly before they were liberated. Thousands and thousands of Jews died on that short march from Auschwitz to Birkenau, and every year, a massive group of Jewish youth march together to remember the dead and remind the world that the future of the Jewish people still exists, despite the Nazis efforts to eradicate us. After spending 5 days in Poland, everyone travels to Israel in honor of Yom Hashoah (Israel Memorial Day) and Yom Ha’atzmaut (Israel Independence Day). If that wasn’t a good enough explanation, you can visit the March of the Living website and read more about it in depth here.

This was a huge honor to be asked and I am so flattered. Every single person I have talked to says that the March is absolutely life changing. I have already started reading some of the material from past years and I can’t believe that in a few months I am going to be actually at some of the places I have read about in Holocaust literature for so long. I have been to Israel before in 2005), but I have never been to Poland. Also, I just can’t believe that I will be IN Israel on its 60th Anniversary!

This is also exciting for me on another level. Many of you know about my interest in historical fiction (books like The Red Tent or Da Vinci Code where the author takes, and my plan to eventually write several historical fiction novels of my own, including one having to do with the Holocaust. I am hoping that seeing firsthand for myself many of the places and sites that I know I’d like to write about will spur me into action towards actually sitting my ass down and writing the book. I will probably never have the chance to be given a trip to Poland ever again so I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity and learning and absorbing as much as I can while I’m there.

I know this isn’t something I would usually blog about (this couldn’t be further away from reality tv or weekend vacations), and I know that this trip isn’t for a long, long time (I will be gone for two weeks, April 29th til May 11th) but I am SO excited about it and wanted to tell as many of you as possible, hence the blog post. I will have a computer with me and will be posting live blog updates every night from Poland and Israel so you all will be able to read about what I’m doing and experiencing every day. When it gets closer I will obviously be able to give you the link and other details.

Words cannot express how excited I am about this opportunity. But it is a few months away and for now, Biggest Loser is calling my name. Before I go I want to say congrats and give a big mazel to Jeremy, who passed his Series 7 test today! He has been studying ridiculously hard for the past few weeks (something I didn’t even know was possible for him to do) and his hard work paid off. Now he is a Real Financial Advisor (all caps). I hope that doesn’t mean I have to start paying him for advice.

I am off. I hope your day was as great as mine was!

The Bailey Janna Birthday Weekend in Vegas

So, the Foumart is 21. Insane. We celebrated not by throwing her a date dash (sorry, I’m just WAY cooler than she is) but by a random drunken bar night (see previous post) and a trip to Vegas, where we arrived approximately 2 minutes after they had put out the Monte Carlo fire. Unfortunately I do not have photos of that but rest assured the air smelled like burnt poker chips.

Friday night we went to Tao for dinner. We had never been there before and it was very nice – great service and pretty good food. I got lobster wontons and would get them again in a second. Daddy was complaining because the portions are huge – I mean what? Isn’t that a good thing? Before we walked in to dinner, we posed for a photo in front of the Tao backdrop, and all these random paparazzi started taking our photos! It was funny but I was like, um, we are no one. Go away.

Bailey and I stayed at Tao after the parentals left and drank and danced a little bit. I taught her my favorite game to play at clubs in Vegas: look for the Old Fucks. She enjoyed that, and also loved the bathrooms at Tao (they are clear until you lock them – better make sure your drunk ass locks them or everyone in the club is gonna see what you own!). We caused quite a scene when we left because I was wearing the MOST PAINFUL SIX INCH HEELS on earth, and immediately took them off and started banging them on the Venetian walls and chanting drunkenly all the way to our hotel room.

Saturday was devoted to shopping (after we deposited the father at the Sports Book) and we all had quite a good run at Neiman Marcus Last Call. I got a gorgeous hot pink Catherine Malandrino sweater that I do not plan on taking off, ever. Saturday night, we had dinner at the Palm, then, finally, went to see Beatles Love. I don’t know about all of you, but I had never seen a Cirque de Soleil show, and I was totally unprepared for it. You all know that I love Broadway, so I was prepared to love this performance, but it was just so unexpected and so completely un-Broadway that I was shocked. Literally, as soon as the curtains came down, my jaw dropped. It was the type of thing where I literally did not know where to look. I highly recommend it and will probably see it again, just to be able to look at the things I missed the first time!

Sunday involved a late wake up, packing up our bags, and lunch at the Grand Lux, where Daddy had a bit of an issue involving steamed broccoli. Next we traveled to Barneys, where Bailey bought ridiculously expensive jeans, and we had a large argument with a hugely bitchy and patronizing jewelry clerk. Ma’am, fuck you. Then Daddy took Bay and I to an empty blackjack table and gave each of us $100 to learn with. Good Daddy. The dealer was insanely patient, hilariously funny, fucking gorgeous, and a chubby Jew to boot. Adam, if by some miracle of God you happen upon this blog, know that I am in love with you and am waiting in Brentwood for you to propose. I will move to Vegas to be with you if I need to. Anyways, long story short, Daddy lost all his money, I left up $60, and the birthday girl was up $85. Yayyyy. Blackjack is fun.

Then we were off to the Vegas airport for what would be several of the most boring hours of my life. Apparently, there was some sort of rainy-day domino affect that made every single flight out of the airport about a bajillion hours late. My family waited 5 hours. During that time, I played brickbreaker til my battery went dead, read about sixteen magazines, talked to some randoms, threw popcorn at Bailey, ate at the BK Lounge, calculated the revenue the BK Lounge makes in a year, and cried a few times. Finally, after FOREVER, we got on the damn flight, which was so bumpy that Bailey cried, threatened to throw up, and broke the TSA safety rules in using her ipod during a non improved time. I told her she was a terrorist.

All in all it was a funner than usual trip to the Veg. Anastasia made more than a few appearances (you obviously don’t know me if you don’t get that) and the hotel was gorgeous, I highly recommend it. Now I know this is very random and off topic but before I go, please check out this fucking hilarious craigslist ad Jacob found. AMAZING! That guy needs his own blog. I'd read it.

I am off! Hope you all enjoyed hearing about the Foumart’s antics. Mothers, lock up your sons.

RIP Heath

I am still really sad about Heath Ledger's death. I keep reading all the updates about the autopsy and investigation and it just makes me so sad. He really was so talented. Also, I rarely read Perez because he and his staff frighten me, but I would like to point out/commend him for not using any of the photos the paparazzi snapped of poor Michelle Williams arriving home for the funeral, or of Heath's body leaving the apartment complex (as other media outlets have done). He also announced he's not going to use any photos from the funeral. I am impressed with his restraint. I think some websites are viewing this as a normal celebrity gossip opportunity and that just sickens me.

I am also really impressed with Warner Brothers. After Heath's death, they immediately began restructuring their ad campaign for The Dark Knight (the new Batman film he just completed in which he stars as the Joker) to take the focus off of him. I think they are right to do this, as it's not just a typical role, but (as I've said previously) one that really disturbed him because of its macabre undertones. You can read more about Warner Brothers and what they're doing about the film's publicity in this CNN article.

Anyways, moving onto some more happy. I probably won't be blogging all weekend because tomorrow the fam is off to Vegas to celebrate Bay's 21st! You all know how much I love Vegas, and considering the fact that last time we went these types of things were happening:

Let's just say I can't wait to see what shenanigans will happen this weekend. I'll have a full report for you when I return. Have a great weekend!

Bailey is 21 and I Am Going to Be On MTV

I honestly couldn’t believe it yesterday when I heard that Heath Ledger had died.

I was always a really big fan of his – I distinctly remember the first time I ever saw Ten Things I Hate About You I absolutely fell in love with him. He was so handsome and that accent was so sexy, but above all else, he was a really good actor. I saw Brokeback Mountain last year too and he was excellent in that too. On all the other gossip blogs I read, I had been hearing really great things about his performance in the upcoming Batman movie as the Joker, but apparently, the role really disturbed him. That makes me sad – it doesn’t matter what it is, you should never spend your time doing or working on something that makes you unhappy.

I really want to know how Michelle Williams is holding up. I don’t even particularly like her, but I did think that they were a really adorable celebrity couple together, and I was sad when they broke up. I can only imagine how devastated he must have been to be separated from his baby, too. I don’t know what will be worse, finding out that this was an accident or that he did it on purpose.

After all this sad, I will leave you with some happy…

I am proud to report that Bailey J was a champ last night at her “modified” power hour. She took 9 shots, including a Jaeger bomb, tequila shot, Scooby Snacks, a Tic Tac, a Sex on the Beach, a Key Lime Pie, a Washington Apple, and a blowjob shot. Shout outs to the roomies, Dar, Benjamin, and Allison who came out on a random Tuesday to Qs to buy my sister shots. We both appreciate it and love you all.

On our way out of the bar, some random effer told Bailey she looked like Punky Brewster. I, personally, do not see anything wrong with that and even somewhat agree, but Bailey took offense and threw her lit cigarette at the man and cussed him out. When I finally managed to get her home, she took off all her clothes and laid on my bathroom floor naked and laughing hysterically because I was brushing my hair. “WHO BRUSHES THEIR HAIR?” For those of you who know Bailey, you know quite well that she doesn’t. All in all, it was a fun time and I am happy she is finally 21.Vegas this weekend is going to be a shit show.

Also, this afternoon Bailey picked me up from work and we went to the Food Court for lunch. As soon as we walked in, we saw MTV all over the place setting up for a “casual lunch” scene between two people and the hostess who seated us informed us that they were about to shoot a scene for The Hills. Immediately I started to flip out inside, hoping against hope it would be Lauren (remember, I do not get impressed by celebrities. I merely think that Lauren and I would be excellent BFFs who would spend our days shopping and lunching and eating PB and playing with LO!!!!) or Brody (because he is goddamn freaking hot).

OF COURSE, after about 45 minutes watching the camera crew fuck around, fucking HEIDI shows up. I was like BLAH. The only thing that would have made it vaguely interesting is if Spencer had been there. Of course, if he had been, I would have ruined MTV’s shot by screaming at him violently in the middle of the restaurant and would have been escorted out away from my hamburger. Heidi was meeting her “work friend” Kim. I care not, except Kim’s bangs were rockin.

When Bailey and I left, they were filming take after take of Heidi walking down the street (apparently she couldn’t get that right). As we were paying for our valet the director came out and told us we were in the shot and if we didn’t want to move, we would have to sign a waiver. So we did. This was old hat for Bailey, who has already signed a Hills waiver form from when she fell down the stairs at Frankie Delgado’s party and MTV brilliantly caught it on tape. They were stupid for not using that shit. Anyway, I will say this about Heidi – she is TINY. And her hair looked phenom as usual. Bailey brilliantly pointed out that she probably gets it done everyday. I am jealous of that.

Look for me on The Hills!

Happy Birthday Tiny Foumart!

Hi everyone!

I know that all of you were sitting in front of your computers these past few days, sad and lonely, wondering when there would be a new post, wondering where I was, wondering if there would ever be joy in the world ever again. Well, here I am! Sorry about my absence.

I was in Denver all weekend visiting Stacy – I had a great time with her and her roommate Petah. We ate at a delicious place called Snooze (I highly recommend it! get the Reese’s flavored pancakes!) and shopped and saw 27 Dresses and even went skiing (of course I got injured, but that’s a whole other story…). I also discovered that, for all my loud talk about how much I love cold weather, I have been deluding myself/full of shit all these years. I was fucking FREEZING all weekend long. I really had no idea how cold it gets. Major props to Stacy and of course, Bailey, and all you others out there in cold distant lands far off from LA.

Oscar nominations came out this morning – YES! I will be posting my full and complete list of who I think will win, but for now I will just give my first impressions. Hmmm, off the top of my head… It is AWESOME that Ellen Page got a Best Actress nom for Juno, and the same must be said for Diablo Cody and her Best Original Screenplay. Phenom. I was very surprised that Laura Linney got nominated for Best Actress for The Savages – did not expect that. I was also surprised by the Best Original Song nominations – three from Enchanted alone!

Finally, I must end this blog post by wishing my sister the best day ever now that she is finally legal. Happy birthday Bay! I cannot wait to fuck you up later tonight and then again this weekend in Vegas. And so, without further ado, a poem in honor of my sister:

You’re finally 21, we can celebrate,

Unlike me, your birthday wasn’t late.
Now you can get rid of your fake ID,

Which worked even though you look nothing like me.
We are bestest friends unless you steal my stuff,

The next time you do that I will make your life rough.

We shop at malls, boutiques, and even Walmart,

You will always be my tiny foumart.

Our favorite things to do are laugh and eat sush,

It doesn’t matter if we’re at Hiro or Kush.

Sometimes when we fight Mom and Dad lose their shit,

They don’t understand that we just get over it.

We are the Jewish community’s answer to Mary Kate and Ash,

Where ever we go, we make a huge splash.

You really are the best, together we have so much fun,

Happy birthday DOGE, you’re finally 21!

I love you and I can’t wait to celebrate tonight!

It's Back! Your Tuesday and Wednesday Nights Will Never Be the Same

Oh, American Idol. Thank you so much for coming back to me.

Last night season 7 of American Idol kicked off with a bang in Philadelphia, commonly known as the City of Brotherly Love but a place I like to refer to as the Birthplace of Carly Babins. And almost every single audition we got a chance to see was just as unique as Miss Babins herself.

Favorites from the Philadelphia episode? Well, if we’re talking good auditions, the fourteen-year old with the sick baby (Angela Martin), the Carrie Underwood type from Oregon (Kristy Lee Cook), and the oddly colored handsome man with the Bob Marley braids (Christ Watson) stand out. He was like, a shiny gold color. Not black. Golden. I enjoyed them.

Of course, because I’m Jordan Silverman and I thrive on retardation and people who are seriously, seriously fucked up, I look forward to the bad auditions even more than I do the good ones. There is nothing better to me when the doors open and some idiot wearing a cape, a bikini, Princess Leia cinnamon braid buns, or some variation on the “look at me, please!” outfit comes charging in.

Temptress Brown, however, threw me for a loop. I HATE when American Idol makes me feel bad. In my opinion, there should be two categories of emotion I should be feeling when I watch this show: number one, I should be deeply envious of the astounding talented voices, or I should be extremely tickled by the tards and their antics. Unfortunately, every once in a while AI decides to throw in a heartbreaking story along with someone who truly cannot sing, and it just ends badly for everyone, including me, who has to watch the spectacle play out with a sick feeling in my stomach. See: Temptress Brown the high school football player who is trying out to please her morbidly obese mother. Needless to say, she could not sing, and it was so, so painful to watch.

Mostly, though, I’m just glad that American Idol is getting back to its roots. If you’re one of the nine people on earth who haven’t yet been assaulted by the press machine that IS the American Idol Media Relations team, read this – it will tell you all you need to know about Mr. Nigel Lithgow’s solemn promise to not release the Sanjaya Malakars of the world upon us again. And that is really all one can ever ask for, don’t you think?

So Idol is back, and I have a warm fuzzy feeling all throughout my body, probably not unlike the warm fuzzy feeling throughout Paula Abdul’s body as she drinks from the Ever Present Coca Cola Cup That Does Not Contain Coca Cola. Tonight is yet another audition tryout episode, so get ready for another recap. I cannot wait to select my final twelve (a process that involves a lot of scribbled notes on Jordan Silverman stationary and a lot of screaming phone calls to Greene) – rest assured I will let everyone know my predictions. I know you all were worried.

Happy Wednesday to all! May you have an evening free of Taylor Hickses and full of Katharine McPhees. Yes, I still have the McPheever.

A Quick Quiz

If you are in this picture, you are ____________.

a) a good listener

b) great with advice

c) someone whose name starts with a J
d) a fabulous friend
e) all of the above

*addendum as of 8:56pm --- this one too!

It's Britney Bitch... IN ENCINO.

The funniest thing just happened to me! When Julie was here, I took her to Brother’s Sushi in Woodland Hills, and we sat next to these two cute firemen who we started chatting with. They were super friendly and cute and offered to scootch our tables together and we even shared sushi with them. One of them was particularly adorable and I told Bailey all about him. Long story short, tonight Bay and I went back there for dinner, and we sat next to this (incredibly hick) couple with the cutest baby on earth. About halfway through the meal, the dad asks us if we wouldn’t mind scooting over one table, because his friend was coming to join them. So we moved over and about five minutes later, guess who walks in! My fireman! And we both stared at each other and said “it’s you!” and had a very cute moment and shared sushi AGAIN! I think if he’s there the next time I go, it’s meant to be :)

Anyways, onto other important things, like Miss Britney J. Spears. I am very frustrated. Every time I turn around, fucking Britney is off buying something or eating somewhere or shopping in a store that I WAS JUST IN, with that fucking creepo paparazzi she is so insistent on dating. He is so repulsive. But I digress.



I could barely handle it when I went to the Glen for coffee and the next day she was there with Jamie Lynn. I could barely handle it when she had dinner and drinks at Qs, which is DOWN THE STREET. But with her frequenting Encino Starbucks and lunching at Gaucho Grill and marching around Fashion Square, I am totally furious. That’s MY Starbucks, MY favorite steak place, and MY FUCKING MALL! WHY IS SHE ALWAYS THERE WHEN I AM NOT THERE??? I AM DYING TO SEE HER!!!!!!!!!!

I need to think positive. I AM going to see her. I WILL run into her. I WILL die on the pavement.

Ahhhh. That feels better. I’m glad I got it off my chest.

I will close by saying this: if you are the stupid fucking douchebag who broke the window of my dad’s car and stole my mother’s purse in broad daylight in the middle of Sherman Oaks, you are an asshole and you deserve to be in jail. For being a thief, and for also spending $300 in Bebe before my mom had a chance to cancel her credit cards. Also, enjoy her new Tory Burch bag, because it is probably the last nice thing you will ever own. Karma. God does not reward thieving thieves.

Tomorrow – AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 7 PREMIERE. Get ready for Ryan Seacrest gaying it up, Randy Jackson not really making sense, Simon being British and rude to everyone, Paula the drunk bitch, and general amazing amazingness. I CANNOT WAIT!

Weekend Update with Jordan Silverman #2

Hi! Sorry I have not blogged in a while. I spent the past few days with Jacob, who was here visiting for the weekend. We had a super time and I miss him already. The theme of the weekend was "Jacob is so LA." He demonstrated this by driving my mom's Lexus with the top down wearing his Paul Smith shades and blasting "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" (by the Oscar winning trio Three Six Mafia). I told him he was a walking cliche.

He claims that after graduation, he is moving here. We were driving in some random area of Venice Beach that had a Costco, In&Out, Pinkberry, Starbucks, and a sushi restaurant all within a one block radius. He insisted he could live quite happily in that very spot. I told him he should ask the owners of Dennys if he could live inside the restaurant.

While Jake was here we also had dinner at the Marrieds' House. For those of you who don't know, Anna and Erez have two Great Danes. I am aware of this, and am not scared of them. However, imagine how awesome it was when I opened the front door and in addition to her dogs, the most ENORMOUS DOG I HAVE EVER SEEN greeted me. SERIOUSLY. They are babysitting this dog named Hunter. He is three years old and weighs 210 pounds. The dog's head comes up to my boobs. I shit you not. I stood in the corner of the den screaming for help while Jacob laughed hysterically and took photographs. I'll post them when he puts them online so you can believe me. I know I am prone to exaggeration but this dog was FUCKING HUGE.

What else is going on? Nicole Richie and Christina Aguilera both had their babies - Harlow Winter Kate Madden and Max Liron Bratman, respectively. Both of those names are so cute! I can't wait to see them. For those of you who don't know, Ali and I have kind of an obsession with celebrity babies. We each have our favorites - she likes Kingston Rossdale and Jayden James Spears. I, of course, am obsessed with one Miss Suri Cruise and a certain Violet Affleck, who holds the title of Happiest Baby On Earth. Look how much she looks like Jennifer Garner in this picture!

I imagine that this is the type of resemblance I have to my mother that makes perfect strangers stop me in public places and ask me if I am related to Ellen Silverman. I, however, don't see it. AT ALL. Anyways, I love celebrity babies so expect to see lots more about them here. Ali and I have long discussions about the future of celebrity babies and this is a perfect place to make predictions about how they'll all turn out! (Cough...rehab...cough....)

Tonight Bailey and I had dinner with Sara and Elianna. They took us to this new Thai place that Sara is obsessed with in Hollywood called Jitlada. It was super - very authentic and VERY spicy. I felt bad because I forgot to tell Sara that I am allergic to cilantro and we kind of had to alter our plans for what we were gonna order, but it worked out because everything (except the ridiculously flaming beef) was really good. Even Bailey was adventurous and tried things. I like going to dinner with them because we have the best conversations -- this time, Sara and I (both self-named major foodies) played the "What 5 Meals Could You Eat For The Rest of Your Life" game. Suffice to say I was drooling throughout that conversation. When I get bored tomorrow I will probably type it up so you all can see and share your opinions.

Tomorrow is Monday, a new week is here, and on Friday I am off to Denver to visit Stacy in the snow! I can't wait. Hope your weekends were super, I am back and I promise to post lots this week!

I Will Fuck With Fabulous, and You Should Too

So this is how it goes. As I'm sure I've mentioned, I LOVE TO BLOG. However, some days my schedule does not permit it, or I am just not in the mood to share my tidbits of wisdom with you, dear reader, much as I adore you. So in those cases, I have enlisted the help of two of the smartest mens I know, one Mr. Jacob C. Samuels and one Mr. Jeremy D. Mandel. Jacob will be following a regular format (which I'll get to next post), but Jeremy has decided he does not want to be restricted and wants the freedom to write whatever he wants. I, however, recognize the danger of Jeremy writing whatever he wants on something public belonging to me, so I have put a few small restrictions on him. I'll let him tell the rest.

Jordan has asked that I submit the occasional guest column for her blog. Thus, every now and then you’ll be getting to hear my random thoughts on whatever the hell I’m doing. I’ve been warned that Jordan’s audience doesn’t exactly look forward to my feelings on the NFL playoffs (I’m looking at you BRAGMAN), though I am getting more and more concerned that the actions of my team’s quarterback can be acceptable fodder for forums such as this. Therefore I will steer clear of football discussion. Jordan has also told me that I am not allowed to expound upon things we fight about. That makes this laundry list off limits:

Religion – Though Jordan may try and tell you otherwise, I am Jewish. Our opinion of nearly every facet of what that entails, however, is a hot button issue. I would show examples of this, but I am fairly certain I’d be edited to save Jordan potential embarrassment from prominent members of the Los Angeles Jewish Community.

Politics – Though Jordan may try and tell you otherwise, I am not strictly a Republican. Unlike the last election, I am making my candidate of choice a public declaration. (If you’re curious, I am building a man crush on John McCain. If you’d like to go into reasons for this, I’d be more than happy to discuss it. Unfortunately, not on this blog.) Jordan and I frequently argue about politics, though the argument is somewhat hindered by the fact that I’m a political science major with a strong interest in history whereas she is a creative writing major with a strong interest in Project Runway. From that information alone I’m sure you can gather why she doesn’t like to talk about this.

Guns – I could have just included this within politics, but it’s been an important issue for me. I have recently gone skeet shooting a few times and absolutely fell in love with shooting, so I’m in the market for a shotgun. I could write quite a bit on the research I’ve done on pump action vs. automatic guns, but it will be forbidden as well. If you have feelings or knowledge about the merits of pump action or automatic shotguns in skeet or 5 point settings, though, I’d love to hear.

Gender relations – Specifically, I will not be discussing anytime that Jacob or myself come into contact with any female in any situation. If either of us buy a pack of gum from a female gas station attendant, don’t be around Miss Silverman when she finds out about it.

This Blog – Apparently, every time I say anything about this blog, Jordan thinks I am mocking her. While this is sometimes true, it is not always true. To avoid any perceived condescension on my part, I’ll just be avoiding the topic altogether with the exception of later in this entry.

I’m absolutely certain that I’m missing things here, as I am absolutely certain that I will breach topics that Jordan deems unsuitable or potentially embarrassing for her. The aforementioned list is only a start. With any luck, we’ll be adding to that.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I tend to drone on a bit. I can’t really help it. As a political science major, I didn’t take many courses that didn’t require something crazy like a 20 page paper, and now that it’s over you pay for it. I’ll try to separate paragraphs, so if the first sentence of a paragraph doesn’t interest you, I’d say you should just skip it.

The only thing I’d like to discuss before ending this is an organization that Jacob and I are beginning called “I Fuck With Fabulous.” This will be a society of individuals dedicated to doing exactly what the title of this blog suggests we should not. Perhaps most importantly, we have designed shirts. If you would be interested in becoming a member of the IFWF family, comment on this and we will work out the logistics of inducting you and proliferating these very good looking shirts that are available in 30 colors.

That’s it for my first non football entry. Now back to discussions of reality television, things that are pink, and poetry suggesting a female deity of some sort.

On Wednesdays We Wear Pink, and Sometimes We Read Poetry

God Says Yes To Me

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

by Kaylin Haught.

Happy Wednesday. I hope you're all wearing pink.

Give the Goddamn Writers Whatever They Want

I was really planning on not discussing the Writer’s Strike on this blog, because it’s something that I struggle with, yet identify with, because I’m a writer and I believe the writers should be compensated fairly –generously – for their work, but at the same time, I love TV so much. Every night, I give myself a headache, because when I’m in bed with the Tivo remote and the only thing there is to watch on television is goddamned American Gladiators and fucking Friends reruns, I am so MAD at the writers for striking, but then I get mad at myself, because I’m a writer too, and I should feel nothing but empathy for them, even though their actions have ended the flow of The Office and Grey’s and SNL and all the other shows I adore, which fucking sucks, but why shouldn’t they be paid fairly, because without them, there wouldn’t be those shows, with pithy dialogue and delicious plot twists and drama. See, I just gave myself a mini headache.

So I wasn’t going to write about the strike. BUT. BUT! They canceled the Golden Globes. That’s horrifying all by itself, but you know what that means.

If the strike isn’t over, they’re going to cancel the Oscars.

If you know me at all, you know that Oscar Night is sacred to me. I LOVE the Oscars. I put my pretty ballgown on at 4:00 and I march off to the couch and I do not move, I sit there through the pre-show and the official pre-show countdown and the four point five hours of the show itself and the post-show and the post-show party coverage. You all must know this – some of you have even been there right alongside me, watching the show while giving me the occasional dirty look because I refused to let you sit on the AEPhi pledge lounge couch if you weren’t wearing your party dress (Bragman).

The thought of the Oscars being canceled is so upsetting to me that I actually would not know what to do. There would certainly be a lot of screaming and maybe some crying. I definitely wouldn’t rule out driving my vehicle down to the stupid picket lines in front of the studios in Burbank and Culver City and rolling down my window to SCREAM.

Canceling awards shows is so UNFAIR. Granted, I know there are a lot of other things in life that are also unfair, and this is quite stupid in the grand scheme of things. But think about it – if you were an actor or screenwriter or director, and you had just worked your ass off writing/acting/directing your last project, and it was finally, FINALLY, recognized by the industry as something worthy of honoring, maybe even something worthy of winning, and the chance to be congratulated and celebrated publicly for your hard work was just TAKEN AWAY, you’d think that was pretty fucking unfair too!

I have really worked myself up over this, and it hasn’t yet happened. Rest assured that if it does, I will certainly devote at least four more screaming BlogRants (copyright me) to the topic.

I will calm down after a long hot shower. In the meantime, I leave you not with an angry BlogRant, but with this link. This man is living in IKEA for a whole week. Lucky! I love IKEA! (Almost as much as I love the Oscars but we won’t go there.) Fun fact: during the months of May and June of 2007, I went to Ikea nine times. Very impressive.

I wish you all a Tuesday full of IKEA Swedish meatballs. Jacob comes tomorrow so I am off to prepare for his arrival, also known as shove all my shit under my bed. Adjö´ så lä´nge! (that is goodbye in SWEDISH!)

Overrated/Underrated

It’s just another Manic Monday, yall. Here I am. I’m mad because it stopped raining.

Today I was bored for a bit and decided to create a list. For those of you who don’t know, I love lists, mostly because I think I have pretty handwriting and often forget things if I don’t write them down. At work it’s even better, because I have a set of gorgeous rainbow colored pens (that were marked $1.29 by a very, very stupid woman at Target) and I have patterned black-and-white paper that has my name on it, so my lists are even nicer when I write them at work.

So here is a list. It’s a good one; I think you’ll like it. So, without further ado, here is my current Overrated/Underrated List (yes, capital letters!).

Overrated

-Ketchup (both the condiment and the lame restaurant on Sunset)

-Movies starring Nicole Kidman

-Political cartoons

-Blackberries (I realize I am a hypocrite for including this)

-Stress balls (I always end up hurting myself)

-The following holidays: Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, and New Years Eve

-Budlight

-Ben Stiller (Am I the only one who realizes he plays the exact same character in every movie?)

-The Real World (not the hopelessly out of date MTV reality show. Actually wait, yes, that too, but also, the whole paying-rent, work-from-9-to-5, sticking-to-a-budget, doing-your-own-laundry thing.)


Underrated

-Scrabble

-Real mail (not email. Real mail comes with a stamp.)

-The Ameci’s Pizza lunchtime deal (for something ridiculous like $4.79, you get a bowl of soup or a salad, two pieces of delicious cheese pizza, and a drink. They give it away at Ameci’s, I swear.)

-Blackberry Brickbreaker (I know someone who is ranked #7 in the country)

-Mayonnaise (It gets a bad rap. Why, I don’t know. It is so delicious on sammiches.)

-Pilot Precise Rolling Ball Pens

-Proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation

-Fingerless gloves (my new must-have winter accessory).

-Televisionwithoutpity.com

-Soy sauce. (Obviously my favorite condiment on earth.)

-Blogging. (I live to blog! [said in the same way as “I live to frolf!”] If you got that, you’re brilliant and I love you.)

That’s all for the list right now, but no doubt I will be adding things to it fairly regularly. I liked making this list, so look forward to other lists to come. I’m also open for suggestions.

I obviously have to end by wishing Floff a very happy birthday. 23! Wow, you are old. I can’t believe it’s been a year since we spent your 22nd birthday weekend in San Francisco, where the entire Floff Family +1 went to that Mexican restaurant for dinner, where the chef personally came out and circled every item on the menu that did not have cilantro in it. I can’t believe it’s been a year since we saw Jersey Boys and sang “who loves you pretty baby” to each other all night long. I can’t believe it’s been a year since Club Slide, where you chickened out and I didn’t (I am brave!) and slid down that long slide, into the club, where we made Michael buy us martinis and danced all night. And I certainly can’t believe it’s been a year since brunch at Lulus, where I ate the most delicious Eggs Benedict I have ever eaten in my entire life. I will spend the rest of my days here on this earth searching for hollandaise and English Muffins as magical as those at Lulus.

But I digress. Happy Birthday to my Floff!

Weekend Update with Jordan Silverman

Hello friends! Hope your weekend was fab. It was raining here all weekend - have I mentioned that i LOVE rain? I really do. I even dragged out the hot pink rainboots and splashed in some of the puddles in my driveway. It wasn't the same as wearing them with shorts and a tank top, Tucson monsoon style, but it was alright.

I'm sitting here trying to think of what I actually did this weekend. Hmmmm. I spent a large portion of Saturday watching the E True Hollywood Story "Britney Spears: Fall From Grace" and crying. Yes, crying. Don't make fun of me til you see it for yourself. She was so immensely talented I cannot even handle it.

I'd like to pat myself on the back for my football selections this week. The only game I got wrong was Giants/Tampa Bay. I'm not too upset about it though, because a) I don't really care, and b) that was the only game I got wrong, making me 75% accurate. You heard it here first, next year I'm really taking this Mini Sports Gal thing to the next level.

I'd like to make a few shoutouts before I go: one to Lonnie, who patiently drove me all over the westside on Saturday, even though she was hungover. One to Larissa, who sent me the sweetest message on Facebook telling me how much she loved reading this and asking for my Vegas hotspot tips. One to Carly Babins's mom, who compared me to Sarah Jessica Parker and thinks I should have my own newspaper column. Finally, one to Bragman, who harassed me last night to include her more within the blog. Her reasoning for this? "If you become famous like Aaron Karo, I want to be a recurring character, like one of the triplets."

There you have it Brag, if I hit it big like Karo you will now have your fifteen minutes of fame as one of my sidekicks. Mazel tov!

King of the League of Dorks NFL Picks for This Week

Honestly, I was so distraught by the Britney drama yesterday that I forgot to post Jeremy's picks. Interestingly, we both chose the exact same teams -- for majorly different reasons, of course. When i pointed this out to him, he said that that sucked, because it "defeated the point." I think he just got scared that with only a week's experience of doing this (compared to his, oh, 17 years of doing this) I was quickly showing my brilliance. Who knows? Anyways, here are his picks. The great thing is he won't be able to comment on any of this for at least 24 hours because he's currently crying like a little girl/getting shitfaced and throwing up on bridesmaids at his best friend's wedding.

Jeremy's Picks
If you have seen the commercials about being an ESPN MVP and checking sports scores during things like weddings and honeymoons, that’s what I’ll be doing on Saturday. I don’t want to, but when one of your good friends decides to get married on NFL Wildcard Satruday, you are really left with little options. After this weekend I will be going into full Jeremy Mandel playoff freak out mode. Many of you are familiar with my San Antonio Spurs playoff mode where I am cocky and abrasive, but Dallas Cowboys playoff mode is quite different. In the NBA, having a 7 game series decide playoff winners almost always assures that the best team will come out on top, which is nearly always the Spurs. Thus, there is less of a need to feel nervous and more of a need to enjoy the ride smacking around the rest of the league. However, the NFL does not operate this way. If the team loses once, that’s it. NFL playoff games have the ability to scar me for life. One bad mistake, and that’s it. (See: Dallas Cowboys, 2006) As long as it isn’t my team playing, I love it.

Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks – Seattle
As someone who bets on sports, I couldn’t be happier about the public’s infatuation with the Redskins and Todd Collins. In the playoffs, teams with shaky quarterbacks on the road do not win. This is a steadfast rule broken on very few occasions. The only way teams like that can survive is to have an absolutely dominating defense, and while the Redskins D is good, I certainly wouldn’t call them dominating. The loss of Sean Taylor really doesn’t help. Meanwhile, Todd Collins has been in the league for something like 12 years and at no point was considered a viable starting quarterback. To pick the Redskins you have to be saying that not only did he transform into a playoff winning quarterback after 12 years of being terrible, but he can win games in Seattle, which is notorious for being a very tough place to play. On top of all that, I think the Seattle defense is very underrated. Lofa Tatupu is excellent.

New York Giants at Tampa Bay Bucs – Tampa Bay
The Giants played their Super Bowl last week. Eli Manning on the road. Big time injuries. Tom Coughlin late in the year. I would pick 75% of the league to beat the Giants in this situation. On top of the fact that they will likely beat themselves, they’re playing a veteran team in Tampa who is well rested and playing at home. This won’t be a blowout, but I definitely like Tampa Bay.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers. – Jacksonville
This always happens to me. I get excited about a team in week 10 or so before people are paying attention. The team is very underrated and getting better every week. Then, by the time their playoff game hits, everyone else has noticed and they become overrated. This is the story of the 2007 Jacksonville Jaguars. Whenever a bandwagon like this occurs, the team invariably collapses and makes me look like an idiot. Logically, this means I should pick against Jacksonville here. However, look at their opponent. Pittsburgh just lose Willie Parker, their best offensive player, and Aaron Smith, arguably their best defensive player (Troy Polamalu is vastly overrated). They got beat by Jacksonville at home a few weeks ago in a game that wasn’t as close as the score looks. Ben Roethlisberger is going to have to carry them and I don’t think it will work. They might get an early lead, but the Jags are a resilient bunch and I trust Garrard more than most do.

Tennessee Titans at San Diego Chargers – San Diego
By far the easiest game of the week to pick. Tennessee’s goal before the season was to make the playoffs and now they’ve done that. Vince Young isn’t completely healthy if he does end up playing, and the Chargers will make him move and take some hits. In the event that Kerry Collins plays, he instantly becomes an immoveable tackling dummy for the Chargers blitzing D. Also, as I mentioned previously, Norv Turner teams blow games like this out of the water to set up a monumental collapse against the Colts next week.

Note from Jordan: In my opinion, his choices are boring. I think picking the Jaguars because they are a cute animal is a much more logical reason than "trusting Garrard", whoever the hell he may be.

Oh, Britney. Oh, Honey.

There are really no words to describe what is happening to Britney Spears.

By now I’m sure you all have heard about her breakdown last night, which started when she refused to hand her kids over to KFed and escalated to the point where she was taken away in an ambulance. She is now under a 72-hour mandatory hold in the psych ward of Cedars Sinai, and it has just been announced that she has (finally) lost all custodial rights of her two boys.

Literally, yesterday I said to Talya, “Britney is going to die.” And then this happened about 4 hours later! It is so completely unbelievable – reading on blogs or in magazines what happens to her everyday is literally like reading a soap opera. She is EXACTLY the definition of a trainwreck – you know its bad to look, but you cant bear to look away.

Lynn Spears (Mother of the Year) called into Access Hollywood today and basically could not say anything except cry, which was kind of sad and kind of pathetic. In between sobs she managed to say, “Pray for Britney.” So pathetic. I really had high hopes that Britney was going to turn her life around after she released Blackout. It is SUCH a good CD – every song is great (especially number 8).

I honestly can’t say anything about Britney that hasn’t been said before. Trent on Pink Is The New Blog thinks that this might be the wakeup call she needs to totally get her shit together before she loses it and totally hits rock bottom, but I don’t know. I thought she hit rock bottom a long time ago, and she keeps surprising me every day with something new and fucked up.

Remember how hot she used to be? Remember when she performed with the fucking snake? Remember when she came out at the 2000 VMA’s in that black suit with the hat, and then started dancing and it fell off to reveal that nude bodysuit with all the sequins? I remember watching that. I remember screaming about how amazing she was. SCREAMING.

(Side note. Jacob and I just spent 45 minutes watching old Brit videos on YouTube. His top 5 in the following order: Oops I Did It Again, You Drive Me Crazy, Toxic, Baby One More Time, Slave For You. My top 5 in the following order: You Drive Me Crazy, Stronger, Toxic, Slave For You, and Do Something. This is based on how fucking hot she looked in each video.)

Ugh. This is depressing me. Moving on. You all thought I’d be over this football thing, but I’m not, so ha. Here are my picks for this weekend’s games:

Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks – I pick Seattle because its always rainy there and its raining here right now. I really like rain, especially when I am in bed wearing my pink socks.

New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I choose Tampa Bay because right now my mom and my sister are in Florida so this is a shout out for them. Also I may have mentioned this last week, but I like the word Buccaneers.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers – I choose Jaguars because they are kind of like leopards which is my favorite type of print. Also I do not even know what a steeler is.

Tennessee Titans at San Diego Chargers – I choose San Diego because I’ve been there and its pretty nice. Jacob and Anna and Michael Katzman are from Tennessee but I’ve never been there so I don’t know anything about it except the bbq is supposed to be good and Elvis lived there.

So there you have it. Britney is cracked out and I pay attention to the NFL. What has the world come to?

Disneyland Darlings

Hello all! I hope the first few days of 2008 have been spectacular for you. Sorry I have not been updating so regularly but I had Julie and Greene in town for the past five or six days and we have obviously been busy bees! I miss them already and I can’t wait for them to come back, because I LOVEEEEE visitors! Hint hint.

So on New Years Day, when all of you probably woke up at 1pm and were hungover and scruffy and reeking of Mike’s Hard Lemonade or whatever the kids are drinking these days, Julie, Greene, Anna, and I woke up BRIGHT AND EARLY at 9:30am and headed off to Disneyland!

Disneyland! The Happiest Place on Earth!

Let me just say that I love Disneyland. I am not one of those people who thinks its gay or lame because I’m not six years old anymore (ahem Bailey Janna Silverman). Disneyland’s the shit. Fun rides, delicious snackies, singing cartoon characters, overweight Midwestern tourists with fanny packs and bulky cameras strapped to their bodies… I love it all. And I actually calculated (while standing in one of the MANY lines – do not go to DLand on a holiday, small tip from me for you) that I pretty much go every year, which makes me a lucky duck. The last time I went was in August, and before that, the April before.

Anywho, so the adorable college graduates headed off to Disneyland, and we had a super awesome day. When we got there, we got a locker for our jackets (only $7!) and Anna slammed my fingers in the door, which sucked, but I quickly recovered and we went on to have a wonderful Disney day, going on the following rides.

Indiana Jones – did you know that after the bridge in Minnesota collapsed, they took the bridge collapse off this ride? True story. PS. we waited forever.

Space Mountain – My fave! And the wait was not even that long. Only like 45 minutes. Well worth it. Anna was scared but liked it when we got off.

Matterhorn – if I’m unable to have children, it’s because of the Matterhorn. I did not like being wedged into the little toboggan with Anna in my lap while I was all spreadeagle. My ovaries may have been permanently damaged.

Pirates of the Caribbean – it was super cold but I like Pirates. They added these awesome replica dolls of Johnny Depp that look EXACTLY like him. My favorite part of Pirates is the men who chase the ladies in circles.

Star Tours – Julie vommed when we got off. Ha.

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad – LOVE. My 2nd fave for sure. I like the little goat noises when you go through the tunnel.

Buzz Lightyear ride – this one is cool because you get to shoot little targets and play against your fellow rider. I got 13,000 points, which sounds like a lot until you hear that Greene got 47,000. Yes, you heard right, Greene kicked my ass.

We were almost out of the park when Julie and I decided we had to be horribly cheesy and got our faces painted like cats with whiskers. Raar. Hey, it was free. And then we got to make Anna and Greene dine with us in public at Downtown Disney with our 22-year old faces painted like children. Sweet.

Get ready Jake. Anna and I have pretty much decided we’re dragging you and Erez to either Disneyland or California Adventure next weekend. Bring your fanny pack.